The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (February 2007)
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My Journal for February 2007

February 27, 2007
Nothing feels as good as the moment just after you take off your socks and slide under the blankets.  That is a moment to be cherished.  It's a relief, a stress release, a moment of comfort after a long day of being pent up.  I'm tired.  I am so tired.  Tired of work.  Tired of lethargy.  Tired of thinking so much.  Tired of my obsessions.  Tired of my loss of self.  I don't even know who I am anymore, and tonight, in some odd way, it all seems to have come to some sort of undramatic climax.  I feel calm.  I don't have enough money.  I'm not thin enough, and probably never will be.  I never go to bed with enough time to sleep more than five hours.  But I feel calm.  Perhaps the calm comes from exhaustion, but when you are burnt out and at your limits, you start to realize a lot of things and start to see things for more of what they really are instead of what you had imagined before.  Tonight I broke a heart.  His name was Ryan.  He was the first person to ever fall in love with me.  I didn't expect it to happen, but I couldn't control his emotions, so I had to end it with him.  On top of that, I also got rejected by someone I liked, pretty much because I was too young.  Was it destined for us to be together?  I highly doubt that, but I don't believe much in destiny... I'm tired.  I applied for a job as a host in a restaurant that I don't even want, as I will then be working a minimum of sixty hours a week.  I did that last summer and it almost killed me.  But it's only for a couple of months.  I can't afford living here combined with my accumulated debt, and until my brother finishes financing the property I'm selling him, I don't see any other solution.  I'm so tired.  Mom calls to tell me how the home I spent so much of my life making a better place, now no longer exists in any semblence of what it once was, lying in ruin of the wake of my parents' bitter divorce proceedings.  They can't fight with each other because Dad has a restraining order against Mom, so they fight with each other instead through they're children in sad, but often effective, attempts to force them to take sides and turn against one another because they couldn't work out their own problems between themselves.  I'm tired.  Today I didn't eat until 6:30PM, except for two cups of coffee, because life seems to be chaos.  I have sparingly been going to the gym because I just don't feel like it, but my weight seems to stay in the same five pound range no matter what I do.  It's dark and cold here.  Snow piles abound, and though the sun has been shining all day everyday, I am trapped inside until five minutes before it goes down, left only with what has been termed "a dangerouly low level of Vitamin D" flowing through my veins.  Severe anemia was also on the list.  I started taking prescription strength levels of both Vitamin D and iron.  Within one day of starting the iron, my energy levels shot through the roof.  I felt better than I had in years.  However, I seem to now have so much energy that I never really feel like sleeping.  I sit and jiggle my knees all day because I feel like busting out of my skin.  But by the end of the day, I still can't sleep and the exhaustion is dragging me down.  And still I go to my journal to write, six hours before I need to get up and do it all again.  I wore my leg brace to work the other day, but within two hours I had to take it off because it was rubbing so badly on the front of my leg.  I'm beginning to wonder if I haven't gone and lost too much weight again, as it seems looser than it was when I first got it.  I may start trying to walk with the cane I have, instead, if I can ever manage to remember it.  And this may seem off topic, but I've started worrying about other things, like global warming and how I really wish I could just switch to being vegan.  I want guitar lessons and when the weather warms up, I want to start pushing all the way to downtown everyday, if my chair frame can handle it.  I've also been thinking about joining a baseball or hockey team.  I'd really love to play a sport of some kind, if my body could handle it.  I hooked up with a guy last night.  He was really nice.  He was great in bed.  It wasn't anything serious, just hanging out and we'll be friends with benefits, I suppose.  But when we were all done, both dressed, and he was ready to leave... I was sitting on the bed, one leg bent and I was leaning on my knee, and he looked at me and said, "You are just so beautiful."  It initially made me a little embarrassed, and I sort of smiled in protest, and he said, "And you know it," meaning it in the way where it was simply a fact I couldn't deny.  Clearly I was beautiful, and anyone could see it as plain as day, so I would only appear pretentious to deny it.  But the fact is, I don't feel beautiful.  I know I look cute in some aspects, especially my face I suppose, but it's so weird for me to hear.  I don't believe it.  It's strange for me to think that when I was really a beautiful person, no one noticed or saw that.  I was a fat, monstrous blob that no one would even want to make eye contact with for fear that I may try and strike up a conversation.  Now I'm not the nice person I once was.  I don't go out of my way to help others when they're down just because it's the nice thing to do.  I don't call my relatives like I should.  I party and sleep with guys who, in three days, I can't and don't want to, remember their names.  I'm not beautiful.  At first I didn't think about it much.  He tried to look in my eyes after that, and I wouldn't let him.  I was terrified he would see how torn I was inside.  I'm a horrible liar, and if I had looked in his eyes after he said that, I would have started crying.  So I didn't.  I saved my crying for this morning at work, whenever nobody was around, I would rethink and my eyes would well up even though my expression would never change.  And if someone came up surprisingly while that was happening, luckily my glasses can hide a simple tear like that.  I have more than I ever wanted from this gastric bypass.  People love me just for being me, just for being pretty, and personable, and smart.  I'm cute and attractive to others on a daily basis.  People are nice to me just because I look better, and for no other reason besides that.  Complete strangers now smile at me when they walk by, and not out of awkwardness, but out of a natural instinct to want to be somehow socially connected to me, if only for a moment.  But for me to get what I've always wanted, I've had to lose everything I earned.  I had integrity.  I had humbleness.  I had honesty.  I was a person you could count on when you needed a hand.  I had talents in singing, and art, and writing, and language, and crafts, and reading, and dreaming.  Now all that lay by the wayside because I'm "pretty".  All that other stuff could never matter to society as much as the fact that my face is cute.  On so many levels, I feel violated by mankind for being so shallow to me, and yet it's exactly what I wanted.  I got exactly what I wanted.  How can I be upset for society giving me exactly what I wanted?  Do I judge so harshly?  Did I before?  Is there some way to turn this aspect around and fine a bit of wholesomeness and purity again?  Can I go back to being who I was without being what I was?  I want to be attractive.  I really do.  Life is just easier when people are nice to you for no good reason.  Things get done faster, you get free things, life is generally more pleasant when you are cute.  But the downside is that no one thinks I could be anything else.  I come across as a catty know-it-all who really doesn't know anything, because what kind of life experience could this bright-eyed young boy possibly have?  But maybe I'm just reading too much into it all.  (As if I would ever do something like that!)  I think I need some time away from the things I don't really care about, like dating and partying.  That stuff just leaves you feeling so down and hollow at the end of a day.  I need to foster my friendships and working on developing meaningful aspects in my life.  I need to relax.  As Gram would say, "Great life if you don't weaken."  She also says we should stock up on canned food because the world's going to end.  But somewhere in there lies good advice.  Stay strong and positive, just keep pushing through the bad, and eventually you get to the good.  It's my only hope, I suppose.

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