The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (October 2002)
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My Journal for October 2002

October 4, 2002
Wow, it's been almost a year since I started this Journal.  How much have things really changed?  I can't say it's that significant.  I'm not in Mexico anymore, but much of the circumstances are the same.  I've gained a lot more weight, I'm still alone, I'm still in school and don't know where I'm going.  But honestly, it feels like it's been a lot longer since I was back there.  Time is flying now, however, and before I know it, my surgery will be done, I'll be in my last semester of college, and on my way to a better life.  As of late, as many of you already know, I've been feeling the need for companionship.  Human contact and such.  I just want someone to share the daily grind with.  It would be nice to have someone caring about my surgery that isn't a family member, that might be there when I wake up.  I would know they are there because they want to be, but not out of obligation.  Don't get me wrong!  I mean, I know my family is behind me one hundred percent as far as support and assistance, especially Mom, but it's not the same as knowing that somebody loves you and cares about you that hasn't known you since birth.  I think that you can understand that.  Things just are flying lately, and I'm afraid I'm missing the best parts of my life by being too busy.  On a different note...  It has gotten much colder here in Vermont, and the fall foliage has begun.  I suspect that within two weeks it's going to be gorgeous around here, then comes the cold and snow.  I'm not necessarily looking forward to the snow part, but I suppose one should take the bad with the good.  Well, I've just finished a very easy Italian test, and now I'm off to French class.  Keep the faith!  Later.
October 9, 2002
What could be better than sitting in my room listening to bluegrass?  If you find it, let me know.  I finally am at a realistic point in this treacherous road to surgery.  I have my first meeting with a person of significance next week from today, as a matter of fact.  I have several meetings with the Nutritionist and Nurse Practitioner.  They go over the details of the surgery and post-surgery care, do tests and what not, and then I get a date to meet with my surgeon.  After meeting with the surgeon, I get my surgery date.  I'm getting excited and nervous and anxious, and just the whole dang thing is making my head spin.  Thank goodness I have school to keep me very busy, or I would probably drive myself absolutely nuts.  Last night Nicole called me for some advice, and then ended up giving me more than I gave.  She doesn't even know how important and supportive she truly is to me.  I've also been getting excited for the infamous Cara trip.  Time is flying, and the reality of the situation of planning is creeping up on me.  I also did something horrible today.  Have you ever played a practical joke on someone only to have it go horribly wrong?  Well, it wasn't the first time I've done it, but it was the first one in quite some time.  While at dinner, my friend Carolina went to speak with a friend.  While she was gone, I picked up her bag and stuck it on the back of my chair...just as a joke!!!  Well, needless to say, I completely forgot I had done it by the time she came back, so I foolishly took it back to my room with me.  About an hour and a half later, I get a knock on my door, and in walks Carolina looking completely distraught, and she asked me if by some rare chance I had seen where she had put her bag.  Then she saw it on the chair, and I just felt horrible.  Ugh!  How could I do something so terrible?  She had called all of her friends and campus security, and was almost in tears.  She is from Venezuela, and I'm guessing, probably keeps her money and passports in her bag.  I just felt like such a heel.  I was so sorry, and told her so, and she said it was okay and forced a smile.  What an angel.  I wouldn't blame her if she never forgave me.  Well, so much for today's escapades.
October 17, 2002
As of late, I've come to miss Natalie very, very much.  She only writes once in a great while, and she's just made her first music video, so I know things must be going well for her.  Nicole seems to have disappeared off the face of the Eart, so I haven't gotten my usual chat sessions in with her yet.  Well, you may be wondering how my appointments went on Tuesday with the Nurse Practitioner (NP).  She came in and introduced herself even though I've already met her on several occasions.  We started doing the interview and it became very clear that she hadn't even looked at my file once.  She asked me the most basic questions and queries as to whether or not I had gone to all of the appointments I need to go to.  All she would have had to have done was look in my file and she would have known.  Then I asked her if I could get an appointment to see the surgeon that day like I had been told.  She said I couldn't because I haven't lost the fifteen pounds yet and because I haven't gotten a psychological evaluation.  I had specifically asked on several occasions previously if I needed to get one and they had very plainly told me no every time, so of course that was frustrating.  (Oh, and more great new.  I now officially weigh 400.6 pounds.  Unbelievable.)  But she did tell me that I could lose the fifteen pounds from where I am now and not from my much lower weight like the other woman had said.  SHe also told me that they are currently scheduling people into January and by the time I get my date it would probably be somewhere in February or March.  Of course that was heart-wrenching on several levels.  First, I don't know if my insurance will cover me until then.  When the Senator checked on my situation for approval, it was with the understanding that my operation would be done sometime in December.  But that isn't even the worst part.  I was counting on having Christmas break from school to recuperate.  Now if I want my surgery in February or March I have to drop out of school.  It's either that or wait until May.  So unfortunately I think that's what I'm going to have to do.  Just sit here and wait.  It's so unfair.  They have pushed me off so many times and now they're just doing it again.  So we were there and my mother got in a big argument with the NP, whereby the NP asked my mother to leave so she could finish the interview.  She wouldn't leave and it was just awkward and quite rude of the NP.  Feelings were hurt everywhere.  Then we had the appointment with the Dietician so that she could tell me all of the same crap they've been saying for months at their meetings we have to go to.  I've also seen everything about the eating stuff online and talked with my "bypass buddies" extensively about it, but she talked to me like I was an idiot.  She also gave me a pamphlet I already had, so all in all, it was a pretty worthless four hours.  Tonight I'm going to a Weight Watchers meeting and I'm just going to try and lose as much weight as possible between now and the surgery.  It's hard not to get discouraged though.  I mean, the process has no justice at all.  What am I supposed to do about it?  Oh, and on top of that, Mom and I got in a little argument which ended by her telling me I should just have my jaw wired shut for a year and that I was stupid for saying that I wouldn't.  We've hence made up, but I understand her fear of me having the surgery.  It's a very serious procedure, but I can't just roll over and die because I'm scared or because the process is difficult.  I'll just have to keep pressing on with a big smile.
October 24, 2002
Well, not a ton of news, I suppose.  I had my second Weight Watchers meeting tonight.  I've lost 11 lbs.  Can I get a whoop whoop?  I've been going to the pool and just following the plan.  It works really well, and I was quite surprised.  I've just planning out the school stuff and waiting for Cara to come.  She'll be here in exactly one week.  Well, I suppose that's about it for tonight.
October 29, 2002
Okay, I realize that my last journal entry wasn't exactly all that great.  Sorry.  Well, Cara comes tomorrow.  Yes, tomorrow!!!!!  I will drive down to Boston, and if I don't get lost and my car doesn't die, I should have a great time.  On Friday I'm supposed to meet Nicole for the first time ever, in person that is.  Of course we've talked online and on the phone for hours on end, already, but it's a little different.  I hope that I'm still losing weight, especially being so close to my goal.  I cheated a little over the weekend, but now I'm back on the Weight Watchers, and going strong.  My mom and brother, Luke, are here today picking up a transmission, and they did all of my laundry and are going to clean my car and room while I'm in class!  Does life get any better?  Oh yeah, it does!  Natalie wrote to me, too.  She said she almost started crying when she thought of me the other day.  She went to a church in Puebla, where we sang once, and had a long conversation about lovey-dovey stuff, and she said she got all emotional.  I know she's not in love with me, but it's okay to dream, right?  At least she's thinking of me, because Lord knows I'm thinking of her all the time.  Aaaaahh!  Life is so good, and yet so cruel at the same time.  Whatever.  Life goes on, I suppose.  But with Cara here, I shouldn't have much time to think about anything else.  In her own words, she's "getting the cheetah print, the makeup and glitter, and getting ready to come and funkdify New England".  *LOL*  I can't wait!  I could just explode waiting.  Well, I guess I'll write later to tell you how it all goes.  Wish me luck!

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