The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (March 2004)
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My Journal for March 2004

March 1, 2004
All of mid-winter griping must have paid off because spring appears to have come early (and yes, I am knocking on wood).  It is the first day of March and about fifty degrees outside.  It is sunny and both the back and front doors are open for business.  It already smells so fresh in here.  This morning I woke up with the nutty idea that I wanted to study French.  So I gathered together all of my old highschool books and study materials from college and began my studious efforts.  A half hour later I was sick of it and started playing computer games.  Exciting, huh?  Now I'm just trying to fill up the boring days until the family returns.  I guess I should be thankful, and I am, but there hasn't been much to do.  I've been thinking about running a car wash at The Garage when my parents open it back up.  My brother made a hundred and fifty big ones in one day last week.  I could certainly use the extra cash now that I have pummeled myself into debt with my wardrobe buying practices.  Besides that, I am only looking forward to this Saturday's Challenge of Ultimate Destruction (CUD, if you prefer), whereby I will crush the hopes and dreams of my competitors in an all out balls to the wall demonstration of ultimate karaoke singing capabilities... or I will be crushed.  Either way, blood with fly!  I need to practice, practice, practice if I am to be the best of the best of the best!  I would say wish me luck, but dot iz onlee foh dee veeklinks!  Mwahahahaha!
March 4, 2004
Do you remember in Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where the girl turned into a giant blueberry?  Well, I've eaten so many strawberries this morning that I think I just might metamorphasize right into one.  I ate a whole sixteen ounce tub of them.  Well, except for the last one.  It never fails.  You get going on some food you really like only to have the last bite, the one to be most savored, ruined by being rotten and tasting like incompletely fermented beer.  Oh well, I guess there could be worse things.  I have also come to a realization about pants that I never had before.  Up until now, I've always had elastic waists, so any slight variation in waistlines wasn't noticeable.  This is no longer the case.  I buy jeans, but within three weeks they don't fit anymore.  What am I supposed to do about it?  Well, I came up with a solution.  I bought a belt!  Who would've thunk?  I've never owned a belt in my life!  I've never needed one!  Well, these things are just amazing.  They hold up your pants!  I always thought of them more as an accessory for thin people, but they really serve a purpose!  And I love the one I got.  It's simple, with a silver buckly, and looks just like the one from Ralph Lauren, only it came from Walmart!  And in other clothing news, I broke down and cleaned out my closet.  There wasn't enough room for all of the old and the new.  I wasn't wearing a lot of the old anymore, and it was just time.  It took awhile, but I bet I gave away an accumulated fifteen hundred dollars worth of clothes away to my friend, Melissa.  She has oggled over certain parts of my wardrobe for years now, and I figured I may as well give in.  It was emotional, though, I have to say.  I was so scared of giving them away and needing them again some day.  It was a big step.  It was like a final let go of my massively obese past.  Most of stuff will probably be baggy on Melissa, but she likes loose-fitting clothes anyhow.  The only things I kept were my shorts for sleeping, two workout tee-shirts, one outfit I can do fence painting in (possible job this summer), and one pair of pants and a shirt to remember.  It's THEE outfit that everbody hangs on to.  It's so bizarre thinking that I will never need them again.  I've had some of those clothes for years, even if I hadn't worn them in that long.  But I have a ton of new clothes.  I've bought from Walmart, JC Penney, and even Old NavyOld Navy!  Can I even believe it?  Hardly!  And a lot of the stuff is really tight, but I know I'll fit into everything within a couple of weeks.  Even the size forty jeans that I had to lie down on my bed to squeeze into pull up comfortably now.  My belt that just barely would buckle on the first notch is not easily latched on the third.  People notice how much I've lost all the time now.  My friend Janet told me that it was really noticeable after getting below three hundred was right, and even more so now that I'm into sizes that change so often.  When you get into a 4X or a 5X, one size covers a wide range of body heftiness, but a size forty waist is pretty specific.  It's easier to see changes.  Now if only that hideous double chin would disappear forever!
March 8, 2004
Wow!  So much has happened since last Friday, so I guess I'll just start at the beginning.  Friday morning I went to look at a used car.  It was red, sporty, so cool.  I was psyched because it was within my price range.  When I got there, this old man, who looked like he had never taken a bath in his life, came out and talked to me.  I told him I wanted to take the car for a test drive and have my dad look it over because I was interested in it.  He didn't trust me at first for some reason, but after a quick conversation with one of the owners, he said it would be no problem.  Well, he went to get the car, but he drove right past me and headed down the road.  He waved a finger to let me know he would be right back.  He didn't know that I had been up there the night before to look at the car.  Anyway, he came back about two minutes later and said he had to fill it up with gas.  When I got in, I noticed the radio was turned up really loud.  Being the music aficionado that I am, I simply changed the station and didn't think a whole lot about it.  I had to wait in The Garage for a while because Dad was working on another vehicle, but I didn't mind.  This was my car!  My new best friend!  What did I care?  Well, when Dad was ready to look it over, I started it up to move it into the bay area, and the engine started ticking really loudly.  I couldn't hear it at first because of the radio, but I turned it down and was shocked at myself for not having heard it before.  It was really loud.  So we didn't even need to look it over.  I headed back to the dealership and couldn't believe that guy had tried to pull a fast one over on me.  Of all the nerve!  But about halfway back to the place, I realized that the tick was so quiet that you could only hear it if you turned the radio off all the way and were specifically listening for it.  The guy had warmed up the engine to stop the tick and blasted the radio.  I was not amused, but I was still my ever-charming self when he played stupid upon my arrival.  So needless to say (but when has that ever stopped me?), I'm still hitchin' it for now.  What rotten luck!  But I still had a full day scheduled.  A woman named Sue had called me that morning to invite me to the post-op patient support group meeting.  We had met on the phone a few weeks earlier, and she had had the surgery done at the same hospital.  I had never been to one of the meetings and was interested to see what it would be like.  People from all different stages were there.  One woman had only been out, I think, eleven days, and some had been out three and four years.  But the one thing I never expected to happen was to find out that I'd lost more than anybody else at the meeting.  Out of approximately thirty people, I had been the biggest loser.  And not only that, but most people had stopped losing long before this point, or it had certainly slowed right down for them.  I am still quite consistently losing at least two pounds per week (knock on wood!).  Of course the NP, from former head-butting episodes, was quick to the jump on saying that nobody should expect results like that and that it was really rare that anyone would lose that much.  What a crock!  I know a lot of people who have lost much, much more than I have.  But she couldn't hide her shock when I said how it was going.  Her jaw dropped and she didn't say anything for a few seconds.  How could she?  The gasps and awes were pretty loud.  Oh, and I was the youngest person there, as well.  Maybe that had something to do with it.  I don't know.  But I also wasn't going to sit silently through the meeting, even though the NP seemed to want that sometimes.  The other post-ops seemed interested in my advice, and why not?  If it works, why not try it, right?  So anyway, I went to the pre-op meeting also.  The NP seemed hesitant to let me talk about my own personal experiences too much, but I did it anyway.  People asked about my eating habits and my depression period and I was completely honest with them.  I told them about the hard times, but also how it was so worth all of the hard stuff they were going through pre-operatively.  I know what a hell it is to have to sit there and wait and wait and wait... with no apparent end in sight.  Later on, I was thinking about how if one of them would have asked what I would have done differently, my answer would have been to get a different hospital.  The people at my hospital simply weren't nice.  Well, most of them weren't.  And I'm also talking about those who run the program.  The doctor and nursing staff were fantastic.  It was the skinny bitties who were so mean.  And since I'm on that note, it seems they have a changed a few things about the program.  One is that if someone shows anger and hostility toward the staff about scheduling or treatment (personal, not physical), they will be ejected from the entire process with no second chance.  Thank God that wasn't in place when I was there because I would have been kicked to the curb in a second.  But why would they even need that policy if the people in the program were congenial about the delays.  It was my experience that they could have been a lot nicer, even though having to bring bad news.  Apparently I wasn't the only one who had problems with their attitudes.  They have also added that now a pre-op patient must maintain the required fifteen pounds, but not only lose it.  They say it shows a commitment to the program.  I never even lost their stupid fifteen pounds and I've done better than any of the other people there, so they can take their little theory and shove it up their asses.  They are holding peoples' lives hostage and it's really not fair.  And especially when I had gotten to the finally speak with the surgeon and he told me that it didn't matter anyway, and that it was just a requirement to meet him.  Then what the hell is the point of it at all?  Ugh, they are just on a power trip, I am completely convinced.  So anyway, the trip back with Sue was very pleasant.  We can truly be friends.  We just clicked and had so much to talk about.  I can't wait to hang out with her again.  So when I got back that night, I decided that I wanted to go out dancing.  Melissa was game, but the place was a total drag.  Only all old people, and frankly, I'm getting a little sick of going to the same old boring place every week.  I think if I go out next weekend, I'm trying someplace new that my brother suggested, which is near his college.  Also, nobody else would dance with me besides Melissa.  I think most people think she's my girlfriend because I am always there with her, and we always dance together, but we're just friends.  Great friends, but just friends!  Then on Saturday was the big karaoke competition.  Long story short, I tied for fourth place, had to have a sing-off, and came in fifth out of eight competitors in my category.  But I think a lot of it had to do with the section called presentation.  All of the other guys could dance around while they sang, and all I could do was tremor in my stupid wheelchair.  After it was over, the judge (my former chorus teacher) apprehensively told me that it was a case of poor song selection, but from the screaming and standing ovations I received, somehow I think the other judge may have had a little more thought on that comment.  Maybe my first song had one or two errors, but the second song was perfect.  It wasn't really fair.  I know for certain that I sang better than two out of the four winners, and probably three of them.  And the person who won first wasn't even supposed to be able to qualify because he was an employee of the bar.  It says right in the rules that no employee can compete, but three of this week's eight finalists are employees.  And why not?  They get to practice their little dance routines all week.  I show up ten minutes before.  But hey!  I'm not bitter, can't you tell?  So sitting at a McDonald's afterward, I was faced with the possibility that maybe I wasn't that great of a singer after all, but was just another dreaming loser with no talent.  I mean, after singing with that band earlier this month and completely humiliating myself, I had to wonder.  But I know in my heart that I'm really good enough to make it and I also think I have that "It" factor that Simon Cowell from American Idol is always talking about.  But maybe not after all.  How could I not doubt my talent now?  So on Sunday, I went to the movies with Heather.  We saw Miracle.  Don't waste your money.  It's about fifteen minutes of the same old sport movie drama with an hour and a half of pure hockey playing.  Unless you are completely obsessed with all things hockey, don't waste your time.  Especially since you know how it's going to end, anyway.  I mean, it's called Miracle for cying out loud!  Oh, and my dad and I started The Bet.  I bet him that I could lose more weight in a month than he could.  The only problem is that I now he is so commited to beating me that I really have little chance unless he simply quits because he's bored with it.  Perhaps a little sabotage could thwart his efforts!  Mwahahaha...  He loves potato chips, so we'll have to see where I can make this go.  We only bet ten dollars each, but you would think it's a million the way we're going at it!  And I also met this girl online.  She is so cool.  Really one of the coolest girls I've met in a really long time.  She's my age and totally cute, but she already knows that!  Ha ha, we talked on the phone for almost two hours last night, and I didn't even call her until 12:30AM.  I'm calling her tonight, too.  Too bad she lives in Florida!  Bummer!  Hey, I've been wanting to get out of the frigid hell hole of Vermont forever anyways.  Now I have the perfect reason!  Well, since I have no excitement planned for the next several hours, other than going to my brother's stupid bio class again and cleaning this forsaken house, I reckon I better head out and pay my bills.  Damn, I hate giving up money!
March 9, 2004
A girl named Alison sent me some questions about the whole surgery thing and I thought they were really good ones, so I'm going to put them in here:
What is it like to be around people who eat a lot and you only eat very little?
Well, it can be hard at times.  It can feel a little weird adjusting, especially in the beginning.  You really come to realize just how much you were eating.  Even now I can't believe how much my thin family members eat, but I used to easily eat four times that much.  I would get giant plates of macaroni or something, and go back for seconds and thirds, with cheese melted all over and a half gallon of kool-aid or soda.  And that didn't count dessert.  Now I couldn't fathom eating that.  But it is a little bizarre going out to eat, also.  Waiters are always asking you why you didn't like the meal, and it can be tricky avoiding carbs.  But you can always adjust no matter where you go.  The hard part is not being judgemental about other overeaters around you.  They can begin to feel like you're attacking them, and it comes across very hypocritical, especially if you used to eat much larger portions than they did.  But over time, you learn to eat all over again.  You can still have your favorite foods, even junk food, but in smaller quantities.  And most people find that they don't even crave those bad things anymore.  That's how it is for me.  If I want some ice cream, I'll just have it.  I'm not going to sweat over it.  I'll probably feel like I want to throw up for about twenty minutes, but it's a compromise of how much I really want it.  And there are substitutes anyway.  Anything you put in your mouth will be deposited directly into your bloodstream within ten minutes.  You will get drunk very fast, and sugar will just make you all around feel like crap.  Caffeine makes me break out in a cold sweat, and I can actually taste caffeine now, and it tastes like an aspirin, so it's not too hard to avoid.  Honestly, it's very hard at first.  Your body will go into withdrawal over the fat.  Your cravings will be so strong.  But if you give into them, you will get sick...very sick in the beginning, so you learn to not want them anymore anyway.

Do you feel hungry a lot?
This is an odd question.  I still occasionally get head hunger.  It's the same thing as before surgery where you want to eat because you think it's time, but you're not really hungry.  For weeks after surgery, I was convinced I was so hungry, but I couldn't eat more than a teaspoon of cottage cheese (which I can't stand anymore, by the way).  It was completely in my head.  And I still get cravings, though not as strong.  It's a toss up.  Some people never feel hungry, some do within a couple months of surgery, and some it doesn't set on until about a year out.  So far, I've been lucky not to have any real feelings of hunger.  Now that's not to say that I don't know when to eat.  If I forget to eat, which I do all the time, I start feeling weak like I'm about to faint.  And if I don't feel that way, I usually just don't realize I haven't eaten until somebody asks me if I want something.  It's actually so liberating considering how much I thought about the next meal or snack before I had surgery.

What foods can you eat and which can't you eat?
This is always a funny question, because in practicality I can eat anything.  But in actuality, I've learned not to eat foods that make me sick.  Or more likely, which foods pass easier than others.  Foods that are high in carbs, such as pasta and bread, go down very difficultly.  But the kinds of carbs in fruit and lots of candy, don't really have much effect on me.  But everybody is different.  I eat a lot of meat, especially since it helps with fighting hairloss, but also because my cravings get insane if I haven't eaten protein.  I try to eat lots of fruits and veggies.  I have a little trick that works well for me.  If there is some really bad food that I'm just dying to have, I tell myself that I can only have it if I eat so many good foods beforehand.  By the time I finish eating those, if I do, I usually don't even want to bad food anymore.  And if I do, I eat it.  I pay the consequences of nausea, but I eat it.  I can't live my life through deprivation, and having a couple spoons of ice cream isn't going to end all of this for me.  That's the great part.  No matter how many times I cheat, and no matter how much I want to, I can't quit this.  There will be moments of regret.  There were entire weeks where all I wanted was to have one day like it was before.  But I don't even think about that now.  I suppose that's probably the last stage of the withdrawal.  I had been doing so well, but all I wanted was a chance to pig out one more time.  Now I'm glad that can't happen.  Honestly, if some elf came and offered me the chance to have anything and any amount I wanted until midnight tonight, even with no consequences, I wouldn't do it.  I look at it now as simply a big step backwards.  But I don't eat things with lots of fat, either.  I can't stand hot dogs (though I have found some chicken ones that are lower in fat, so they don't make me as sick).  And I try pasta every once in a while thinking I can handle and always end up regretting it.  It just passes so hard.  You can feel it processing and getting stuck in your new stomach, and it's just not a good feeling.  It's sort of the same thing with bread, only bread takes longer because it expands when it hits your stomach.  The moisture makes it grow, and soon you're having issues.  But I still drink caffeine free diet sodas and I eat cookies, though only one or two, and I eat chips every now and then.  But it's different now.  Before I craved them, now I just have them as a snack every now and then if they happen to be there.  What a concept.  Snack foods that are actually just snacks.  Ha ha ha, I never thought of that before.

Do you find any of it really difficult?
I went through a big stage of depression that lasted a couple of months.  I felt stagnant and that I had no real purpose, that I had just prolonged a life of misery.  That was a rough period.  I would just cry all the time and lock myself in my room for no reason.  I would regret other things in my past that had never really bothered me before.  It's also a pain to have to explain the surgery every time you eat out.  Umm, it was simply really hard to not eat the same foods as everyone else in the beginning.  It all smelled so good.  I would have killed puppies to get some of it.  It has also been extremely difficult trying to see my progress.  Even though, at this point, I've lost 144 pounds, I don't see much of a difference.  Everyone tells me, both online and in my personal life, that I look very different.  I simply don't see it.  I always see room for improvement.  I feel very different, but I don't see the physical appearance as having changed all that much.

What was it like in the hospital?
It wasn't that bad as far as pain goes.  The worst was my bad reaction to anesthesia, which made me dry heave, which thereby gave me more pain.  Anytime I was given meds, they would react with the anesthesia in my system, and I would start heaving again.  I also had a hard time getting in all the fluids for a long time after surgery.  I would say that I was severly dehydrated, probably even to dangerous levels, for about two months after surgery.  They just kept pushing for me to drink and I just wanted them to leave me alone.  I also got a bad yeast infection in the space under my belly.  I had been sweating so much, and it smelled really bad, so the nurses who gave me a sponge bath didn't really want to go near it.  Finally I showed it to my mother, and she cleaned it for me.  That was pretty bad. 

When did you start to become concious again?
Because I reacted so badly to the anesthesia, I didn't wake up for about 8.5 hours.  Usually you are only unconscious for about two hours or less, but I stayed out much longer.  My surgery also took a lot longer than originally anticipated because they said I had a lot more belly fat than they had originally thought.  They said it took about four hours just to cut through it all.  Also, the very first thing that happened when I woke up, which I had been warned about, was them pulling a breathing tube out of my nose that had been shoved down my throat.  It was really gross and a little painful, but I was so drugged up that I hardly remember it.
Was it really very painful?
The surgery itself wasn't that painful.  The dry heaving was awful, and it was really bad because I was refusing pain meds because they were making me so sick.  Getting in and out of bed was really hard, too.  Perhaps moreso for me because I had to lean because I coudln't stand up straight from being so overweight.  It wasn't easy by any means, but there are a lot of factors that go into something like this.  Pain tolerance, weight at time of surgery, overall health, and personality.  Its different for everybody.  I've had people tell me it was pure hell, and others that say they had no pain at all.  It's a toss up. 
And besides all that, yesterday I found out that a major piece of my wheelchair's steel structure is barely hanging on for dear life.  Apparently the shaking of my posterior, both in clubs and in our living room to aforementioned exercise tapes, has caused an adverse effect on my ass' foundation... literally.  So needless to say, I'm going to have to get that looked at before I can do anymore fun stuff, such as weekend escapades of avoiding retired strippers with no teeth.  I really need a new hangout.  I also managed to get a couple of kids put into detention because they wouldn't stop chucking paper at each other every time the teacher turned around.  I warned them, and they didn't stop.  I warned them again, and they pretended not to hear me telling them to stop.  So I said it loud enough for everyone to hear, and the teacher exploded saying he had heard me telling them to stop several times, and even though he didn't know what they were doing, they both had detentions.  Sheesh, as if I didn't have enough of a hard time trying not to look conspicuous in there, but it doesn't really bother me.  Luckily I did the whole highschool thing already and don't really give a shit about their little teenie-bopper cliques.  Ha ha ha, I think I scared the crap out of one of those kids when I actually spoke up so loudly.  A lot of them already didn't like me because of this one other girl in the class.  I caught her trying to set a desk on fire with her lighter one day during class, and I told her to cut it out.  She didn't get in trouble, but I embarrassed her in front of her friend, and she's the kind of girl who is used to getting her own way with everything (that was apparent).  But even so, I think I'm becoming one of the most popular people up there.  So many kids are always coming up to me and asking me who I am because they've seem me around the last couple of weeks and they think I seem cool.  Ha!  As if!  If only they knew what a loser I was in highschool.  I wish I could do it all over again.  I would rule the school!  Just like Rizzo.  On that note, I'm outta here.  There's a whole bunch of chittlin's here, and they needs they edumacation!
March 10, 2004
So I met this girl online a few days ago.  Marci is just the funniest and cutest thing to come into my life in a long time.  And what's so funny about it is that we don't even talk about anything, but we can simply talk about nothing for hours.  I've called her three night in a row and we talk for about two hours each time until all hours of the morning.  Unfortunately she lives in Florida.  That's the only catch.  I'm stuck up in Igloolandia and she's basking in the sun's glorious rays.  She had surgery a few months ago and has already lost well over a hundred pounds.  We have so much in common.  It's like we are rediscovering ourselves at the same time (and I didn't mean in that perverted way, either!).  Honestly, it's just nice to have somebody to talk to.  She calls me cutie and sweetie, ha ha ha!  I don't think anybody has ever called me that and meant it, and if they did, I never believed it before now!  So now I'm faced with the possibility of someday ditching this place in search of the unknown.  Dare I?  You bet your sweet ass I dare!  But anyway, we're just friends!  Well, at least for today, hee!  (Sheesh, I sound like I'm in highschool again.  I am such a tard!)  Yeah, so other than all that, I just have the same old boring crap going on around here.  Oh, and I got a letter from our dear friend, Mr. G. W. himself.  He sent a lithographed photo of himself with his wife asking me to head the grassroots campaign trail in Vermont, or some such bull.  Is this guy kidding?  I must still be a registered Republican or something, because there is not enough money on this earth or enough bullets in any gun to even force me to vote for that man, much less assist in his campaign.  And he asked for money on top of it.  This cat must be off his rocker!  Needless to say, I declined his generous offer of my servitude and financial support.  I think my tax dollars have already done all of the funding of his ideals that they can stand.  My mother can't get health insurance for the diabetes that is killing her, but we seem to have more than enough money to fight off an army that never attacked us to begin with.  Besides, I've got more important things to do.  Like brush my teeth and contemplate my existence.  So to get back on a positive note, it's cold today but at least the sun is shining.  They can't take the sun away, right?
March 15, 2004
After a little spat with Marci, in which I was a big jerk, we reconciled and are cool as cucumbers.  In other news, Dad and I valley forth with our bet.  Well, actually that's not entirely true.  I valley forth and from what I have seen, Dad has not been trying all that hard.  He ate a huge bowl of chili and had a doughnut before he headed to the movie theater with Mom yesterday.  And we all know what wonderfully healthy foods await one at the cinema.  But I have been doing crunches (400 this morning) and just trying to watch the amounts of things I have been eating.  It must be working because I lost five pounds this week.  I haven't lost that much in one week for quite some time, so I am very excited about it.  I also spent Saturday night at Dave and Mary's house.  Dave went to a chess tournament in Massachusetts, so Mary and I decided to catch a movie.  Her son, Will, came along, too.  We had a grand ol' time, and did a little bit of shopping, also.  We saw Hidalgo, which was a great movie except for some poor computer imaging and certain parts of it are obviously based on fantasy, even though the story is based on a true story.  What I liked about it the most, though, was how they kept the languages pretty much where they were supposed to be.  If they were in Native American territory, they were speaking their native language.  If they were in the Arabic territory, they spoke Arabic.  There were subtitles on the bottom, but I hate movies where it's based in another country but the dialogue is in English.  Overall, I would give it eight stars out of a possible ten.  My brother's dog, Precious (a.k.a. Dollar Sign) had her puppies while I was gone.  Frankly, I'm glad I wasn't here for it.  Last time was overly dramatic and I can't stand all of the goop and nastiness.  That's better left up to the professionals (i.e. my mother).  I also was offered a part-time position working for Mary's position.  Nothing official or overly strenuous, but something to keep my mind busy and earn a little money on the side.  Now if only it would stop snowing!  It's been so warm.  Why am I being tortured?  I guess you can't have it all!
March 24, 2004
Finally a little spring.  It is supposed to get into the mid-to-upper-40s by this weekend.  It is currently very sunny and water is dripping from the awnings on our house.  Things haven't been so sunshiney in my weightloss world.  I worked out like a mad fiend last week and didn't lose a single pound.  That was less than stimulating.  I started doing crunches every day (hundreds of them) and did some weight lifting.  Nothing serious, but just to build up my arms.  I also wore heavier clothing than when I weighed in last week, but I don't care.  I know it was probably muscle that made me not lose because I can definitely feel the difference in my clothes and just how I sit.  I can feel my abs again for the first time in about fifteen years.  I can even see the shape of them when I lie on my back.  The muscles beneath protrude the shape into my belly fat, so it's like a giant fat pad shaped like abs.  I know, great mental picture.  We also had some major crises this week.  I won't go into detail, but one of the children in our family has been having issues, and for a while it looked like the whole family might just fall apart.  But crisis averted, and blood is still pumping through my veins.  And to celebrate the end to emotional turmoil (at least for today), I invested in more underwear.  Ha ha ha, I didn't wear them for years because they hurt so much, but now I can't get enough of them.  And the more risk-ay, the better!  Okay, maybe not to some bizarre level.  But I love black underwear.  There's just something so secretive about it!  And I love to shop for clothes now, too.  I still can't believe that one.  I am sending myself into never before seen levels of poverty because I've become so addicted.  I love fashion now and I want to wear all of the coolest and trendiest things.  I only wish I could afford all of them, but the way I see it, I haven't spent that much money on clothes over the past ten years, so I have to make up for lost time!  Doesn't that make sense?  I thought so.  And the puppies are getting a little annoying.  They whine constantly and their mother won't stay around them for more than a few minutes.  I can imagine it must be a little hard having to take care of eight of them, but what else has she got to do?  Ugh, they are just so loud and they never stop crying.  But otherwise, my Calvin Kleins are on the way and the forecast calls for sunshine and daisies... well, at least Mud Season.  Hip-happy day and tah!
March 30, 2004
I know I talk a lot about the weather, but it has been so incredibly beautiful this week.  Every day it has gotten to at least fifty-five degrees, and some days even higher than sixty.  This is unheard of in March for Vermont.  Usually we are still getting a dump of snow in epic proportions, but I'm certainly not complaining.  I love it to no end.  And because of the great weather, my brothers and I have been doing a car wash to earn some extra money on the side.  And I need that extra money right now.  A few days ago I finally ordered a pair of Cole Haan Nike Airs that I've had my eye on forever.  They are the most expensive shoes I will ever have owned.  I've never spent more than fifty dollars on shoes in my life, but it was usually more in the eleven to fifteen dollar range at Payless.  I ordered these shoes over the Internet, and all I have to do now is wait for them to come in.  I've also found some great deals on old CDs.  Remember Kriss Kross: Totally Krossed Out?  I found one for only two bucks.  How awesome is that?  "We commence to make ya Jump, Jump!"  I can't wait!  I also splurged in another pair of jeans that I probably didn't need, yesterday, but they were size forty and I just couldn't resist, try as I did (or didn't).  I'm also supposed to be starting to work for Mary sometime after next Wednesday.  I'm so excited for that.  It's like a regression into the world of intellect.  I haven't been there for so long.  I feel like I've been such a bum for the last ten months without school.  At least I kept reading through it all.  A lot of my friends stopped reading when they stopped going to school.  It's really a shame.  I also had a spat with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Melanie.  She pretty much told me that she was only being my friend because I was guilt tripping her into it.  I told her that if she really thought that, then I didn't want to see her at all.  What I can't believe is that she would actually accuse me of that when that's what she did for years.  I've always been the one to pick her up when some guy was an asshole, or she lost her job, or when her mother was abusing her.  I've always been there for her when her college closed and she had to move home or she needed a ride somewhere.  But because I hadn't seen her in about a month or two and she didn't have anything else to do, I told her to get her lazy butt over here and hang out with me.  She said that she's been too busy to really come over, and I pointed out how she seemed to have plenty of time to play board games with her other friends for hours every single night of the week.  Whatever.  She just acted like she was doing me a favor by being my friend, and she is very wrong.  Yeah, I've enjoyed very much having her be one of my best friends for so many years, but I'm not about to be treated like that after all I've done for her.  I'm one of the only people in her life that has never betrayed or backstabbed her and she just slapped me in the face.  I don't need that and I don't need her.  If she wants to be like that, fine.  Oh, and she still has a computer game, two books, and a movie that she still hasn't returned to me.  I suppose I'll just have to cut my losses on that one.  But in happier news, I finally reached another weightloss milestone, as difficult it was in the passing.  I've now officially lost 150 pounds.  It's a lot, but I see it more as the halfway point.  I still have a very long way to go.  And the weight has been coming off so slowly the last couple of weeks, that I wonder if this train's ride isn't just about at an end.  Two weeks ago I lost five pounds, then last week nothing, and this week only one pound.  I know it's probably just a plateau, but I've only had one before, and I'm so far out that I'm just worried about it.  I guess only time will really tell, but I also suppose that this is the time to be rolling up my sleeves and getting more strict with my eating.  I simply have to stop eating bad foods and give an attempt at not grazing so much.  I also don't need to eat until I'm stuffed every single meal.  I still have a terrible habit of eating too fast, so by the time I feel fullness, it's too late and I've overdone it again.  I haven't thrown up since that night at Pizza Hut, though, and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing.  When I don't throw up, I definitely eat more.  I know I just have to be more careful.  I can do it if I put my mind to it.  But I still get to celebrate another weightloss victory!  Oh, and I also got a medium sunburn while I was doing the car wash.  It hurt a bit the second day, but I always tan after a burn, so it will look like I've been on the beach!  I'm going to get so tan this summer.  I usually avoid the sun like the plague because I've been paranoid about skin cancer and wrinkles, but no one in my family has ever had any form of cancer, including my grandmother who has smoked for sixty years, and I figure if I got wrinkles, I would look, at the most, twenty-five.  Ha ha ha, it's gotten so bad that I'm getting carded at Walmart!  Yesterday I tried to buy a CD and the woman asked me how old I was.  I asked her why and she said that I had to be seventeen to buy that CD.  Sheesh!  Don't worry, I thought it was funny and so did my mom.  I can't help it.  I'm just a Babyface McGee!  So the wrinkles will do me good.  Uh oh, now I've got Sheryl Crow's song, Soak Up the Sun, stuck in my head!  See what I do to myself?

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