The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (September 2005)
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My Journal for September 2005

September 6, 2005
I was in a pretty good mood for the last couple of days.  I have actually been really happy lately.  I've been working out and eating right for about three weeks.  I've even done a kick-boxing class twice in the last week.  I had heard that there was a hurricane in the Gulf.  I knew there was destruction.  I heard rumors that New Orleans might be deserted, but I didn't believe it.  Today I saw Oprah on Location.  I couldn't believe the devastation.  Not only devastation, but true suffering.  Families split all over the country, people dying of dehydration and disease, I knew about the disgusting price gouging of gasoline that was going on a few days ago.  But never in my wildest nightmares would I have imagined how the teen gang violence would react in such a way.  Punks with guns threatening and shooting people so they could be big men.  Taking advantage of the horror.  But the worst of all was the reports of the children being raped.  I can't get it out of my mind.  How could they do such a horrible thing?  I know things were hard.  I know things were bad.  But that is sick.  It's disgusting.  It's horrific.  It's inhumane.  I want to scream and cry for justice.  I can't even think of a word horrible enough to express what I'm feeling for those kids, and even more-so, the utter repugnance for my fellow man.  I can't believe another person would so blatantly and openly perform such atrocities.  I feel sick thinking about it.  I can't write anymore right now.
September 15, 2005
The last few days have been confusing, and I can barely remember anything that has happened.  How odd.  Maybe it's because not a whole lot has happened, but let me write at least what I remember.  My back has started hurting a lot again, so I have an appointment to get another shot of steroids in my spine.  What fun!  Oh, the other day while waiting for my dad to show up for a late lunch at a local restaurant, I walked into the restaurant.  I did it with no leg brace, wheelchair, walker.  Just two legs and a prayer.  I really surprised myself by doing it.  I didn't know I had it in me, but I just decided that it wasn't all that far to walk in, and if I could walk across the fitness room at the community center, there was no reason I couldn't walk into the restaurant.  Well, that has really given me hope that I will someday be able to walk without any outside assistance.  That certainly would be a dream come true.  Oh, and I called the insurance company about my thighplasty something like ten times.  They told me to call my doctor's office and ask when the submittal had been put in, because I had already waited about six weeks, and generally she said approval or denial doesn't take more than four weeks maximum.  Well, I called, and the woman there told me that the lady who usually does submissions was out that day, but it looked like it hadn't even been entered yet.  I called back the next day, and the lady told me that she had confused this submittal with my tummy tuck, and therefore had not even put the paperwork through yet.  *Sigh*  I couldn't believe I had waited all this time, and it hadn't even been put in yet.  So I'm still waiting on an answer for that.  In the meantime, I've gotten a job offer to do free-lance translations for local refugees concerning health benefits.  It's a term position, but it pays thirty dollars per hour.  You could have knocked me over with a feather when I heard that dollar amount.  Well, I hope to start sometime around mid-October, assuming my insurance has approved or denied my thighplasty by then.  But it's not just this job that would be so great, but the company this place is working with is a refugee relocation center in Burlington that I had been interested in working for, for quite some time now.  This might just be the perfect "in" I've been waiting for.  I'm definitely keeping my fingers crossed and brushing off the ol' resume.  So excuse me while I kiss the sky!
September 19, 2005
Yesterday I went with Camisha to see The 40 Year Old Virgin.  In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have taken her, but I didn't know it was going to be as explicit as it was.  Anyway, have you ever gotten the feeling that someone has made a movie about your life?  Well, let me tell ya: I've seen into the future, and it don't look pretty!  Anyway, I've been spending a lot of time outdoors, smelling the early autumn that is settling in.  I really enjoy all the freshness.  We've had an oddly warm autumn so far this year, about fifteen degrees higher than what is normal.  Today I made an imitation "Mexican" stir-fry.  I say imitation, because around here, if you ever mix corn and tomatoes together, it's officially some form of Mexican salsa.  So pathetic...  But I digress, I'm also trying out a new fashion style that Cara suggested.  I'm wearing a dress shirt under a t-shirt.  I didn't think it would look good at all, but it's a lot better than I thought!  It's sort of extremely casual formal.  Anyway, it seems to work.  And another great thing about it is that it's still trendy enough that nobody in a place like this does it, so I'm way ahead of the fashion game!  Oh, and even better, I went shopping the other day and found that nothing bigger than normal old Extra-Large would fit me.  Even some of my XL shirts I bought are pretty baggy on me.  I never, in my wildest dreams, would have thought I'd fit into a normal XL, much less a Large, which seems to be the current indication.  Who's a skinny-minnie?  I'm a skinny-minnie... well, maybe it's still a little early for that much of a declaration, but I'm still happy as a pig in shit about it (as my family would say!)  That means I've dropped at least five sizes, if not six.  I was a 6XL when I had surgery.  That's and L with six Xs in front.  That's XXXXXXL.  That's big.  That's fat.  That was actually me.  it's odd to think that I was ever that big.  I know that I was, I can see the pictures, but I simply don't relate with that body anymore.  I even look at pictures from six months or a year ago, when I was starting to think I looked pretty good, and I still think I was really hefty.  I wonder what, in another six months, I'll think of the me right now.  It will probably involve the words "fat ass" and "needed to get to a gym".  I was going to the gym, but my back started hurting so bad I could hardly move.  Then it finally started feeling better, but I still haven't gone back.  It's probably a mix of laziness and fear of the pain coming back.  Of course one seems to feed the other.  I had some pain killers from the doctor, but they made me so sick that I was glad when they ran out.  Oh well, the shot is coming next week, I believe.  Followed by agony.  Followed by release.  Followed by no more excuses and I'll have to hit the gym again for sure.  Isn't it all so great when you can procrastinate and be lazy for a fairly legitimate reason?  I sure think so!  Okay, maybe not.  I just want all of the benefits without any of the hard work.  *Sigh*, that doesn't seem like so much to ask!  But working out has to be part of this.  In life, there are no easy answers, and that means I have to pump metal and row until I drop.  I'm sure I'll be back back on track some time next week.  Next week, for sure.  Or the week after.  Certainly not later than that.  Of course, unless I don't feel up to it.  But positively by the week after that.  I couldn't live with myself if I waited longer.  Of course, these things have to be dealt with carefully, and I don't want to rush.  Maybe I could give it just a couple more days beyond that.  Alright, alright, I'm only kidding.  In all honestly, I'll probably be back in the weight room tomorrow.  I was actually going to come today, packed the gym back and everything, but at the last second, I decided to bail out.  And it's probably a good thing I did, because when I got here to the center, the room was packed with people here for their "Monday Good Intentions Workout", and none of them will be here tomorrow or any other day until next Monday.  That's just the way it is.  Ah well.  Of course I would never ever do that!  I'm way too committed!  Oh, my back just started hurting again.  Those phantom pains can be a bitch.
September 23, 2005
This morning my back was not as bad as it was the last time I got the shot, but still it was no day in the park.  I guess I knew more about what to expect this time.  So being the busy little beaver that I can be, I got out the bleach and scrubbed the bathroom toilet from lid to base.  In a house with ten people living in it at any random time, it can make for a less than apetizing job!  The whole house was a disaster because I didn't work yesterday due to the back appointment in New Hampshire.  You would think that the people living in my house would get sick of living in their own filth and looking for old cookie or muffin pans to eat out of because the dishes were all dirty, but it's not so!  Apparently they enjoy the extra burned calories and the adventure of searching, as not a single dish was clean.  And who throws a napkin in the sink, seriously?  Or leaves a giant bowl of noodles sitting in the microwave?  And who keeps stuffing their underwear in the couch?  Seriously, that's just nasty!  Mmhmm!  Tonight I'm working at IROC, and there are a couple of events going on.  But of course I had time to enter one of the contests for The Ellen DeGeneres Show.  Who doesn't have time for Ellen, quite possibly the best person on television?  Oh, and Dad wants me to make him out a meal plan because he weighed over two hundred pounds for the first time in his life, last night... lucky bastard!  He and all of my biological brothers were blessed with the same incomprehensible metabolism that allows them to eat like they're on death row and still stay insanely thin.  Well, that's not the case for Dad anymore, but he's still friggin' twenty-something pounds lighter than me, and half a foot taller!  I'm still glad to help him out, but he wants a detailed plan where I buy all the food for him and write down every meal ahead of time.  Ha ha, who ever would have thought anybody would ever come to me for nutrition and exercise advice?  My, how fate's wheels do turn!  I've thought for some time now that I might make a good nutritional advisor or personal trainer.  I mean, I don't have a great body to represent my knowledge at first glance, but I know just about everything there is to know about nutrition and exercise.  So this could be my chance to prove to myself that my applied knowledge could really create results for somebody else.  I guess we'll see!  I've been worried about Dad's health, anyway.  High cholesterol and blood pressure are genetic problems on his side of the family, and he eats salt like the ocean is running out.  I sure hope I can help him curb his own tide!  Well, here's looking at you, kid!

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