The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (May 2006)
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My Journal for May 2006

May 5, 2006
I took my drainage tubes out last night, as I was about to go on a date, the drainage was borderline, and I was sick of still having one of the damn things in after two whole weeks.  My chest looks pretty good, I think, and I'm sure when the swelling goes down, I'll still be happy.  The only thing is that now, by comparison, my love handles, gut, and that weird middle roll all look huge.  That's not so cool.  So I started hitting the gym again today after a month-long hiatus.  The only time it really hurt was when I put my right arm overhead to work my triceps and when I laid forward on the bench to work my lats.  But I think it should be fine, I just have to get used to it.  At first I thought I would be really sore tomorrow because it's been so long, but now I don't even feel tight or anything, so hopefully all will be alright.  So let's see.  Two nights ago I went to a drag show in Burlington, which was starring one of my new gay friends, Jimmy.  It was a pretty good time, and then afterwards Deveney and I hit the only gay bar in Vermont, Pearl's.  It was actually much more bohemian than I had envisioned in my mind, but it was karaoke night, so you know I was in pretty good spirits.  It's a shame, because the bar is closing down in about a week or two, and then there won't be one in Vermont at all.  Considering our civil rights laws, it really is sad and doesn't make any sense.  But anyway, then last night I called Shaun.  (If I haven't mentioned it, the Christian thing is over, duh.)  Shaun is an Australian student spending a year in Quebec.  I got directions from his friend, Daphne, and headed out.  I only got lost four times on the way there, because the directions were all wrong, and I was speaking Parisian French in a Canadian French location, and half of the directions people gave me when I asked, were also wrong.  So after about two hours driving to what would normally be forty minutes, I showed up at his house.  He was a nice enough guy, but I could tell after about a half hour that we just weren't clicking all that much.  We ate dinner, hung out with his friends, I left and went home (and almost killed myself on a dangerously wet autoroute turn), and fell asleep immediately because I had only slept three hours the night before.  Then this morning I decided I needed to start thinking about getting an apartment in Burlington, seeing as I'm going to my first job interview on Monday.  It's for a bank, which means I need to dye my hair back to brown.  About a week ago I put a big purple stripe in it, and a smaller orange one.  Probably should have waited to see what job I'll be getting, but too late now.  So I started looking online, since all of my California friends said Craig's List is the easiest way to do everything, including breathing, apparently.  I wrote a bunch of letters and hope to hear back something soon.  That would be righteous!  And so is the life of moi...
May 22, 2006
Know how I always say that when I don't write for a while, the most tends to happen to me?  Well, this is the most true that statement has ever been.  Where do I even begin?  I moved out of my parents' house, but not only that, moved back to Burlington.  I started working at Chittenden Bank downtown.  I sit and stare at a computer screen for about eight hours a day, with a break in the middle somewhere for "lunch".  I say "lunch" because I've hardly been eating.  So much change all at once has left me a nervous, depressed, overly-exciteable, and lonely wreck.  Generally in the mornings I tend to cry a lot.  I have a hard time sleeping at night because I'm so stressed about my bills I now have, and I keep dreaming that I'm messing up everything at work and ruining the company and my job.  I'm paranoid that the cheap alarm clock I bought is going to malfunction and I'll be late to work, so I wake up every twenty minutes or so just to check and see what time it is.  It's also constantly freezing at night in my new room, which has six big windows, so the light shines in early in the morning, even though I bought black curtains to hang over them.  I truly can't believe I've only been living here for eight days.  I feel like it's been months since I was home.  Believe it or not, I actually miss my family so much.  I really do.  I miss my friends.  I miss working out.  I miss sleeping more than three consecutive hours in a row.  I've been so stressed that I've barely been able to eat.  My stomach felt like a balled up knot for about three or four of the first days here.  I weighed myself today, and I've lost seven pounds this week.  I haven't been dieting or working out at all, so I know it's from the stress, and that can't be good.  A few nights ago I actually think I had a panic attack for the first time, but I'm not sure.  I started having really bad chest pains, and I knew it was from all the stress.  If it doesn't get better soon, I'm actually considering seeing somebody for it, because going on like this will kill me.  I like the people I work with alright, but it's hard because I'm pretty much working alone all day, even though I'm in a room with five other people.  There are two giant windows that face a hallway (no idea why...) that holds other offices.  The job isn't exactly challenging or overly stimulating, either, and I've actually had one of my new friends start keeping an eye out for something different for me.  I love the area, the people are great, there's plenty to do, but this job is just so mentally numbing.  And beyond that, the friend situation needs to evolve.  I've only been here a few days, like I said, but I'm so lonely most of the time.  I'm just so used to being around somebody, whether my dog, the kids, my parents, my friends, my gym people...  It's just so fucking quiet in my house.  My housemates are rarely there, and when they are, they stay in their rooms.  They complain about me to me enough, also.  I'm too loud.  My car is in the way.  My wheelchair tires got dirt on the floor.  I didn't put the food in the right place in the cupboard.  I can't burn candles.  I'm just not that regulated of a person, I guess.  And there are going to be problems of adjustment with anybody when you first start living together.  But it's so much for the first week.  I'm just tired.  And in my social life, well...  I've actually been going out a lot.  Three times this week, in fact.  Saturday I was in the gay bar only for about forty-five minutes, but it's weird.  I got hit on about twenty times while I was there.  I was dancing in my wheelchair (I don't walk nearly as much as I wanted or had planned, mostly because it's just not realistic in the city), and about five different guys came up to me and told me I was one of the best dancers in there.  And it was probably true.  Somehow I thought gay guys in general would have better rhythm, but apparently that's not the case.  And I'm at a point where I'm starting to accept that I'm actually close to being what some would term "attractive".  I mean, I'm not going to be all narcissistic in any manner, but now that my boobs are gone, I've lost more weight...  I know I'm not too bad to look at!  Ha ha, it feels good, quite honestly.  And why not?  I've gone through hell several times to get here!  I fucking deserve it!  But anyway, guys (and girls) tell me all the time I'm so "cute" and so "hot" and so "awesome" and so "great".  I mean, it's flattering, but at the same time, I'm looking for something stable and realistic.  I'm not saying I want to settle down right off, but somebody steady would be nice.  There are actually a few prospects on the horizon, but I'm not holding my breath, either.  I'm just enjoying the attention.  I got so much negative attention for so long, and now the pendulum has swung the other way.  Who would ever thought I could or would ever make it this far?  Now if I can just get my financial life in order, things will be much better.

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