The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (October 2006)
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My Journal for October 2006

October 8, 2006
It's 8:16AM on a Sunday, and I'm here writing, even though I didn't go to bed until after 2:00AM.  But I'll get to that in a minute.  I never worked at the antique book place.  I have instead been working in the procurement office at the University of Vermont.  Once again, it's such a wonderful place to work just because the people are simply amazing.  Lynn, my direct supervisor, has become like a mother to me, always watching out for me so I don't get my heart broken... or head bashed in, for that matter.  I just love her.  Maida also is wonderful.  She's the other temp in the office, sitting right beside me.  She's been teaching me some Bosnian and has become one of my good friends.  The only downside to working here is that in the first two and a half weeks, I somehow gained thirteen pounds.  Now don't gasp too loudly yet.  I've already lost six of them, and for a good reason.  I don't know why, but those girls insist on keeping an endless supply of chocolate in the office.  I'm expecting a creepy guy named Wonka to come walking around the corner at any second!  On top of that, the office is across the street from approximately eight restaurants.  I'm also confused as to why such a small part of town needs so many dining options, but whatever.  All I know is that the combined efforts have been increasing the flow to my love handles, and that ain't good!  So at least a couple days a week, I've started bringing in cans of tuna and just eat it out of the can, and I try to bring in other snacks so the chocolate won't get me.  But moving on, yesterday I went to visit my parents.  They have moved to their new location in the building they bought.  It looks so good.  They've put their everything into this place, and they should really be proud.  I know I am for them.  So they were having their Grand Opening yesterday, and Mom asked me to come up and just help and hang out.  I decided to surprise her by wearing my brace.  It's so funny, this is the first time I've been over two hundred pounds in more than six months, but everybody kept saying how amazingly thin I look.  At least five people must have commented on it.  It's really got me wondering if simply standing and walking can have such a huge effect on how thin I look.  By the end of the day, I was so sore and tired, but it didn't matter.  I was just glad to be there and see them.  I really love them so much and was happy they are doing so well.  And when my mother saw my face, all she said was, "It feels good to love somebody, doesn't it."  But I'll get to him in a minute.  So the day before, Friday, was my brother, Luke's, birthday.  I told him I would take him to lunch, so he's coming down here today and we're going out.  His girlfriend/fiancee thing, Mandy, is coming, too.  It should be good times.  Mandy is a good girl, and Luke really seems to care about her, and my mother actually seems to like her and approve, which is a rarity, so let sleeping dogs lie.  And now I suppose I should finally get to Adam.  Adam is a guy I've met online.  Now don't give me that look!  I don't care if it's cliche.  He is simply amazing.  He's kind, smart, funny, and cute!  (In that order, according to Miss Lynn.)  But he is so much more.  When I talk to him, I know he is listening and taking in every word.  He's as analytical as I am, which is a great thing.  He's really funny, though he keeps threatening to tickle me, and he should probably prepare for a ride to the hospital if he does.  Oh, but he's so romantic.  To hear him talk about our plans together, down the road, in the future, aaaaah!  I just get butterflies about it!  I'm so excited to go down this road, and with the most perfect match of a man I could have ever wanted.  The only problem I can see is my own apprehensiveness about the situation.  I want to hold back for a couple of reasons, but the main one being... I just don't know if I'm good enough for him.  He is such a great and honest, loving, caring individual.  He has his head on his shoulders, an education, has been around the world (well, sort of: apparently a tour guide is usually not too far away...), he's charming, and I have no idea why he's head over heels for me, but he is.  And I just think he's the bee's knees.  We've talked about everything: children, family, finances, travel, hobbies, annoyances, deal breakers.  The only thing not talked about is sex, which may be one of the best things of all.  I'm so glad he wants to know me, be with me, hold me, and not just jump into bed.  He seems to be as romantic as I am.  He likes to hear me talk about my dreams from the night before, and tell him my favorite memories.  He wants me to show him my world (if the punk can handle it), and I'm going to show it to him.  I even gave him the moon.  It's his, and he can have it.  I know it's a big step, letting myself fall for a guy like this, and pretty fast, too.  But I don't care.  I have to take a leap of faith, be strong and have courage, and face the fear of trusting someone with my soul.  What can I say?  He's my Dork Charming, and I don't ever want to let him go.
October 18, 2006
It has been a very hard couple of days for me, especially today.  To start things off just perfect, yesterday afternoon the entire mid-section of my back started hurting and aching for no apparent reason.  I thought it would pass within ten minutes or so.  This has not been the case.  As far as I know, I didn't strain it at all, I haven't done any exhuberant activities, lifted any heavy materials, or hit it in any way.  This is some of the worst pain of my life, and with no apparent cause.  It's happened before in my lower back, and can last up to weeks, but sometimes it only happens for a few seconds.  But current, it hurts if I breathe too strongly, much less if I do anything else at all.  I truly have no idea what I'm going to do about work tomorrow.  I don't get paid sick days with this new job, and I already couldn't work today.  It hurts when I lie down, it hurts when I sit, it hurts when I stand.  I just don't know what to do.  But it's not my back that hurts the most.  Adam called me this morning, after having a family meeting last night, to tell me of the ultimatums that have been given to him by his parents.  It is all directly connected to me.  We have gotten so close.  I can truly see myself with this kid for the rest of my life.  It's still soon and early and fast, but the potential is there.  I trust him whole-heartedly with secrets I don't tell anybody else.  We talk about life and ideals and family and each other and things we might like to do together someday... normal stuff that people talk about when they are planning to be together.  Well, his parents have grown very concerned that it is moving too fast for him and that he is infatuated with me, causing him to think and behave irrationally.  I'm not sure why they would come to think this.  I haven't even met or talked to his parents, except his mother introduced herself to me one time for a few seconds online.  The bottom line is that they want him to cool it with me for a while, I guess, and slow it way down.  That would have been fine, but their method of having that happen makes no sense to me.  They gave him three options.  The first was to do whatever he wants, and they will cut him out of the family.  This seems overly drastic, reactive, and irrational to me.  I can't understand how a parent could even suggest something like that.  There are so many parts to this that don't make sense to me.  The first part is that we haven't done anything wrong.  We're both adults that are simply talking about the future together.  On top of that, it bothers me that they would just hold his entire life hostage so that he would do what they want.  The second option was for him to simply end it with me.  His family will take him back, I suppose we could just move on (in their minds) without each other, and he told me he could just work on his career and forget about having a personal or family life.  I don't know what I would do.  I don't know why this is even happening or why they are reacting this way.  The third alternative, which I guess I have to agree to, is for us to write one email to each other every week for a month.  No phone calls, no dates, no texting, no other emails besides the one that is designated.  The rationale for this is that if we plan to be together for our lives, one month apart shouldn't really matter that much.  Again, this makes no sense to me.  They are worried he's getting involved too fast with someone he doesn't know well enough, so their solution is for us to not communicate?  In theory, should we make it through this month, they will see how serious we are in our intent and, in theory, they will just open their arms and accept me into the group.  I don't see it happening that way at all.  This is truly breaking my heart.  I feel like I'm being unfairly judged and punished for a crime I not only didn't commit, but for which I'm not even sure what the charges are.  All of these ideas and decisions were made up by people who haven't met me (and at this point it would seem they don't want to), are looking in on our relationship from the outside, and aren't even thinking about how I'm going to be affected.  The truth of it all, though, is that I love Adam so much.  I love him enough to go through this crazy hell that they are proposing.  I will do it for him, if that's what it takes.  I mean, I can see their point on some level.  We have moved very fast, and I've been telling Adam from the beginning that we need to just take it slow or things could get messed up.  Well, that's what has happened.  So I can take it slower with him.  But this ultimatum seems just way over the top.  It's so drastic.  But the worst of it, from my end, is that I have no say in how it goes, whatsoever, and it directly changes my entire life.  I so want to get to know his family, get to know him on that deeper level.  I want him to meet my parents and for us to grow together.  But for some reason, they are trying to shut it down.  I don't know if they are reacting to some fears they might have, or to the situation in general... and that's part of the problem.  No one is talking to me.  I just get the decision by phone, whatever they all decide.  How is that fair?  How does that make sense?  It's just so hard.  Everything is so damn hard.  For once, I just wanted it to be easy and simple, and it couldn't be.  It has to be all complicated and confused.  I was the happiest man alive two days ago, and now I don't know how to feel.  I cry.  I get angry.  I'm frustrated.  And the person to whom I would call, or write, or talk and trust with my deepest inner emotions is now the one person I'm not supposed to contact.  It makes no sense, but I'll go to the end for that kid.  I just love him that much, and I suppose that's what really matters when you get right down to it.  I'd do anything for him.  If that means going through with this plan, then that's what it means.  But I hate that there seems to be no compromise, no discussion with me, no fair choice with my input, even though it is the biggest thing going on in my life.  But I wouldn't want to be with him if his family resented and hated me, or if he felt that he was somehow losing out by being with me, or if there was all of this negativity hanging over us.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  I've trusted him so much with my life, and we haven't even been on an official date yet.  We actually had one for this weekend.  It was all a big surprise that he wouldn't tell me about.  I even bought a pendant and had it engraved with our names on one side and Saturday's date on the other.  I was going to give it to him at the end of the day.  I so wanted to do that for him.  I so wanted for us to be happy and together for a day.  We could have talked and laughed and hugged and had a great time.  (And yes, of course I'm crying now.)  It would have been so simple, just the two of us.  And now we can't have that.  I told him about the pendant after what he said to me this morning.  He said he still wanted it.  But now it won't be as special, and now there will be all of these negative emotions attached to it.  I would have loved to see the look on his face when I gave it to him.  But I guess it doesn't matter now.  I'll have my one email a week and his parents won't disown him.  Everybody wins.
October 20, 2006
It's my lunch break right now.  My stomach is in knots.  I wish I hadn't reacted how I did.  I was so scared of losing him.  Now I can see that his parents may have been right in their suggestion.  Maybe it seems hard, but something like this can really bring two people together.  It's funny how retrospect changes things.  But now I think I may have scared him away somehow.  He thinks I see him as less, when all I can see is so much more.  He's so real.  So human.  He doesn't pretend to be anything he isn't.  I only wish I knew how to help him.  I could honestly move on from the bad feelings right now if only I knew he felt the same.  I know he loves me.  I know I love him.  Beyond that, what really matters?  I'm not sure.  I see this as a huge opportunity for us to grow together.  I've always been good at seeing what good can come from what, at first, appeared bad.  I want to be strong for him.  I want him to trust in me as much as I trust in him.  I want to call him a dork because he is one.  I want to laugh out loud when I see him because of how happy we are just to be together.  I wish I hadn't jumped to so many conclusions... not that I did.  But it has all gone so fast.  He is the most important thing to me right now, and I don't know what to do.  I wish he would talk to me, but he said he needs time.  I can understand that.  We probably both do.  I think of all the times we laughed together, how goofy I was, what a tard he was, how we flirted, how he made me cry when I talked about my favorite memory.  He is the most romantic and sweet guy I've ever met, and I only wish there were some way to show him just how much he means to me.  He knows I love him.  I know he loves me.  That's what matters.  We have so much to look forward to together, and I truly can wait for that.  I only hope he feels the same way...
October 22, 2006
The last couple of days have been so long.  I wrote Adam the first of our weekly emails a couple nights ago.  I'm so glad we are doing this, on so many levels.  It is much harder than I thought it would be, I guess... but not.  I think about him all the time.  I make notes about what I'm going to write to him next week.  I wonder about what he's going to write to me.  A week just passes so slowly when you want someone so badly.  I think what I miss more than anything is just talking to him.  I love sharing my thoughts, emotions, and feelings with him.  I truly value him so much.  Well, I did something I didn't expect, today.  Adam told me a while ago that his family is Baptist.  I woke up early this morning to watch the sun rise.  I was thinking maybe Adam did, too, though I doubt it.  But it's still kind of romantic to think about.  Well anyway, I got the idea to see if there was a Baptist church around here, and if there was, I could check it out.  I had no real expectations, other than I figured it would be much more lively than the conservative services of my former antiquated Catholic Church.  Well, the people were very nice, of course.  Everyone seemed so happy just to be there, and all were very friendly.  I didn't say much in the beginning.  I just met about twenty of the fifty or so people when I got there.  Everybody wanted to shake my hand like I was the best person they had ever met.  It was kind of sweet.  Well, the sermon was nothing at all what I had thought it might be.  It wasn't bad or anything, just very different.  The man talking tended to be on the political side of things a bit, I thought, but what church isn't these days?  I know mine back home certainly was turning that way.  Well anyway, after the service was over, I asked one of the pastors named Jim if he would mind talking to me about a few things.  I told him that I was considering it all, and I told him about Adam, and my upbringing both physically and spiritually.  It was a very good and interesting discussion.  We actually talked for just over five hours, by the time we were done.  There is so much to think about and consider.  I don't personally believe a lot of the fundamentals of this particular branch of the Baptists, but Jim explained to me that their church was very conservative by comparison.  There aren't all that many people in the congregation, and he said that there are many different versions of Baptists, which I hadn't realized.  We talked about lots of things, our views on the foundations of Christianity, along with our own opinions on that.  He was an older man, probably in his mid-fifties, but he didn't treat me ignorant just because I was young.  He truly listened to me and I really listened to him, considering his side of the universal view.  In the end, it seemed that our perspectives weren't all that different, but mind probably wasn't all that congruent with how the other people at this particular church might feel.  It's a lot to consider right now.  I honestly wish I could talk it over with Adam and get his views on a lot of the things we talked about.  Jim is a wise man with a lot of life experiences, not even unlike my own.  He's currently in a wheelchair because of health problems and he is severely obese.  He also was desperately in love with a woman who turned out to be a lesbian.  So on a few different levels, we just had common ground.  However, he fairly stated that a gay lifestyle was a sin and wrong according to what he believed as the truth, which is The Bible ver batum.  I think I was fair in my own assessment and I made a clear and just argument for my different viewpoints.  He even said he was glad to have met me and he thought I had integrity and he held much respect for me even being willing to look into my soul development along with my relationship.  In fact, we even suggested reading materials to each other to further express our viewpoints, and he wants to meet with me again to discuss them.  He is a very fascinating man.  I was actually surprised that I was in the church for nearly seven hours, combining our talk with the service.  It's just a lot to process right now.  But I'm glad I did it, if for no other reason, than so I can share in another part of Adam and his family.  I really would like to see if their version of Baptist is different, and hear how their viewpoints and opinions on religion and spiritualism differ.  Beyond that, it has been a productive couple of days.  I got a lot of work done on Friday, wrote my letter to Adam, and saw the first snowfall of the season.  Then on Saturday, I watched a couple movies and went to a comedy and music show last night.  I walked with my leg brace when I went.  It was a lot farther than I thought it was going to be, just to walk in, but I honestly didn't mind it too much and it was good exercise.  I really want to start trying to walk more often with a conscious effort.  Well, so is the life of moi!

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