October 18, 2006

 

It has been a very hard couple of days for me, especially today.  To start things off just perfect, yesterday afternoon the entire mid-section of my back started hurting and aching for no apparent reason.  I thought it would pass within ten minutes or so.  This has not been the case.  As far as I know, I didn't strain it at all, I haven't done any exhuberant activities, lifted any heavy materials, or hit it in any way.  This is some of the worst pain of my life, and with no apparent cause.  It's happened before in my lower back, and can last up to weeks, but sometimes it only happens for a few seconds.  But current, it hurts if I breathe too strongly, much less if I do anything else at all.  I truly have no idea what I'm going to do about work tomorrow.  I don't get paid sick days with this new job, and I already couldn't work today.  It hurts when I lie down, it hurts when I sit, it hurts when I stand.  I just don't know what to do.  But it's not my back that hurts the most.  Adam called me this morning, after having a family meeting last night, to tell me of the ultimatums that have been given to him by his parents.  It is all directly connected to me.  We have gotten so close.  I can truly see myself with this kid for the rest of my life.  It's still soon and early and fast, but the potential is there.  I trust him whole-heartedly with secrets I don't tell anybody else.  We talk about life and ideals and family and each other and things we might like to do together someday... normal stuff that people talk about when they are planning to be together.  Well, his parents have grown very concerned that it is moving too fast for him and that he is infatuated with me, causing him to think and behave irrationally.  I'm not sure why they would come to think this.  I haven't even met or talked to his parents, except his mother introduced herself to me one time for a few seconds online.  The bottom line is that they want him to cool it with me for a while, I guess, and slow it way down.  That would have been fine, but their method of having that happen makes no sense to me.  They gave him three options.  The first was to do whatever he wants, and they will cut him out of the family.  This seems overly drastic, reactive, and irrational to me.  I can't understand how a parent could even suggest something like that.  There are so many parts to this that don't make sense to me.  The first part is that we haven't done anything wrong.  We're both adults that are simply talking about the future together.  On top of that, it bothers me that they would just hold his entire life hostage so that he would do what they want.  The second option was for him to simply end it with me.  His family will take him back, I suppose we could just move on (in their minds) without each other, and he told me he could just work on his career and forget about having a personal or family life.  I don't know what I would do.  I don't know why this is even happening or why they are reacting this way.  The third alternative, which I guess I have to agree to, is for us to write one email to each other every week for a month.  No phone calls, no dates, no texting, no other emails besides the one that is designated.  The rationale for this is that if we plan to be together for our lives, one month apart shouldn't really matter that much.  Again, this makes no sense to me.  They are worried he's getting involved too fast with someone he doesn't know well enough, so their solution is for us to not communicate?  In theory, should we make it through this month, they will see how serious we are in our intent and, in theory, they will just open their arms and accept me into the group.  I don't see it happening that way at all.  This is truly breaking my heart.  I feel like I'm being unfairly judged and punished for a crime I not only didn't commit, but for which I'm not even sure what the charges are.  All of these ideas and decisions were made up by people who haven't met me (and at this point it would seem they don't want to), are looking in on our relationship from the outside, and aren't even thinking about how I'm going to be affected.  The truth of it all, though, is that I love Adam so much.  I love him enough to go through this crazy hell that they are proposing.  I will do it for him, if that's what it takes.  I mean, I can see their point on some level.  We have moved very fast, and I've been telling Adam from the beginning that we need to just take it slow or things could get messed up.  Well, that's what has happened.  So I can take it slower with him.  But this ultimatum seems just way over the top.  It's so drastic.  But the worst of it, from my end, is that I have no say in how it goes, whatsoever, and it directly changes my entire life.  I so want to get to know his family, get to know him on that deeper level.  I want him to meet my parents and for us to grow together.  But for some reason, they are trying to shut it down.  I don't know if they are reacting to some fears they might have, or to the situation in general... and that's part of the problem.  No one is talking to me.  I just get the decision by phone, whatever they all decide.  How is that fair?  How does that make sense?  It's just so hard.  Everything is so damn hard.  For once, I just wanted it to be easy and simple, and it couldn't be.  It has to be all complicated and confused.  I was the happiest man alive two days ago, and now I don't know how to feel.  I cry.  I get angry.  I'm frustrated.  And the person to whom I would call, or write, or talk and trust with my deepest inner emotions is now the one person I'm not supposed to contact.  It makes no sense, but I'll go to the end for that kid.  I just love him that much, and I suppose that's what really matters when you get right down to it.  I'd do anything for him.  If that means going through with this plan, then that's what it means.  But I hate that there seems to be no compromise, no discussion with me, no fair choice with my input, even though it is the biggest thing going on in my life.  But I wouldn't want to be with him if his family resented and hated me, or if he felt that he was somehow losing out by being with me, or if there was all of this negativity hanging over us.  Maybe that's part of the problem.  I've trusted him so much with my life, and we haven't even been on an official date yet.  We actually had one for this weekend.  It was all a big surprise that he wouldn't tell me about.  I even bought a pendant and had it engraved with our names on one side and Saturday's date on the other.  I was going to give it to him at the end of the day.  I so wanted to do that for him.  I so wanted for us to be happy and together for a day.  We could have talked and laughed and hugged and had a great time.  (And yes, of course I'm crying now.)  It would have been so simple, just the two of us.  And now we can't have that.  I told him about the pendant after what he said to me this morning.  He said he still wanted it.  But now it won't be as special, and now there will be all of these negative emotions attached to it.  I would have loved to see the look on his face when I gave it to him.  But I guess it doesn't matter now.  I'll have my one email a week and his parents won't disown him.  Everybody wins.