The Fat Crawler Experience

Journal (April 2009)

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My Journal for April 2009

April 6, 2009


I swear I get myself into more trouble!  Ok, I've been weird again the last couple weeks.  I've been crying randomly about different things.  I read something in a book the other day, about a tree that the character thought would be there forever.  It was hundreds of years old, and one day it got hit by lightning.  Well, when they looked at the torn apart tree, inside it was all dead and full of dead and nothing.  I don't know why, but that brought me to tears.  Every time I look in someone's face, directly in their eyes, I feel like I can see all the shit, all the tragedy they've had to go through.  I can feel how tired they must feel.  I, on the other hand, have personally had tons of energy.  I've only been sleeping between four and seven hours.  I just wake up and feel rested enough to deal.  Justin went to Maine for an orthodontist appointment, and it's so quiet here without him.  But back to my trouble!  So I was on this date the other night with a guy named Mike.  I wasn't really feeling him.  We had chatted online for a couple weeks, but he just wasn't really my type.  Well, while I was dancing with him, there's this other guy that I start making eye contact with.  And true to my drunken nature, it becomes obvious that I'm more interested in that guy than the one that has driven over an hour to hang with me.  So it was a little awkward, and I'm not an asshole.  (At least I don't think I am!)  So I was just straightforward with Mike.  I told him I wasn't really into him like that, but that I'd still be cool for hanging out, but I didn't want to hook up or anything.  Well, then it got really awkward.  I thought I was doing the best thing by just being honest and up front about how I felt.  So he went and made some phone calls and texts, and I start talking to this other guy.  Enter stage left:  Javier.  Hmm... Javier is Puerto Rican, and beautiful.  He has a short beard, which makes him look thirty.  Without it, he would look fifteen.  Javier is actually forty-five.  Oh, but it gets better!  So we're talking, etc., etc.  Mike comes back in a little bit.  He knows I'm into Javier at this point.  Mike has an issue.  It seems his friend ditched him, and he didn't have anywhere to stay.  It was almost 2:00AM.  I knew where this was going, so I just told him he could crash with me.  He was fine with that.  Again, I knew where this was going.  I started drinking him cute.  God, I'm sick!  So we go back to my place, and whatever leads to whatever.  Before I left, I explained the situation to Javier.  He was so into me, he didn't care.  He asked for my number, of course I gave it to him!  He was so hot, and deep voiced and masculine, and just sure of himself and of me.  So the next day, it's all weird.  Mike and I get up, we go grab some bagels at the place down the road.  Mike keeps making comments about this being the longest "Walk of Shame" ever.  I'm just normal, whatever.  I mean, I don't fuck around all the time, but I have my moments.  I'm not ashamed that I hook up now and then.  So anyway, I'm driving him back to the ferry that will take him over the lake to New York.  I texted him later in the day, and he said something about being surprised that I had texted him.  Then soon after that, he sends me another message saying he was going out again tonight, but if I saw him, I didn't have to feel obligated to talk to him or even acknowledge him.  What?!?  Did I come across like that kind of person?  Ugh.  Whatever, so I called Javier.  We met up for a late lunch, then went and hung at this bar where his friend works.  We sat around, shot the shit, got free beer and soda, and it was great times.  What I didn't expect is that I'd connect so quickly and deeply with Javier.  I thought it was just going to be hanging out and who knows.  I also didn't expect him to say he had a boyfriend of three years and was in an open relationship.  Oh yeah.  And there's the bomb.  I didn't know what to say, but in Gay World, it's not exactly uncommon.  I mean, open relationships rarely work out, but when they do, I've witnessed that they are amazing and very liberating for the people involved.  It becomes a problem when it's used for avoidance and escapism, and jealousy comes into the picture.  But as a purely sexual act, I think it can be quite healthy if the people involved are mature enough for it.  But anyway, that was the situation.  Also, Javier's boyfriend is 24 and named Justin.  I've heard his name before, but never met him.  Javier is an artist by profession, and shows his work in galleries around the world, and has made an amazing career out of it.  He is one of the most passionate people I've ever met.  Everything he talks about is deep and very meaningful to him.  Nothing he says is trivial.  We talked for six or seven hours.  I cried many times while I listened to him.  I could listen to him talk for hours with no problem.  And I'm sometimes not the best listener.  He just woke feelings up inside me that I had completely forgotten about.  I thought they were lost.  I felt excited about my own life again, about my own art.  I felt excited about my future and goals.  I came to some interesting realizations that stemmed from things we talked about.  So I left after all those hours.  We were supposed to meet up at the former bar later that night and just hang out.  But a bunch of his friends stopped by and he never made it out, but it wasn't a big deal.  Well, Mike did end up going to the bar later that night.  I just went up and said hi.  It was pretty insignificant, so I thought, that I did that.  But then he sent me a text at 4:00AM asking me if I'd call him sometime and go out again.  I never did get back to him, now that I think about it.  I called Javier instead.  So yesterday he agreed to meet me at the lake and go for a walk.  We walked and talked for a while, maybe an hour.  It was chilly and breezy, so we decided to get food.  He brought pictures from his art shows.  He told funny roommate stories, because he hates the woman that lives with him and his boyfriend.  He kissed me in the alley that runs behind the restaurant when we left.  Everything he does is so passionate and meaningful.  I know this is destined to not be pretty in some respect.  I've never had anyone look at me like he does.  It's like I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, and he can't believe it.  And then he just says it, in Spanish no less, how attractive he thinks I am.  So I leave him in the parking garage.  I go and meet my new clients I'm going to be doing some respite for.  I now have four jobs.  The clients were great.  They're both in wheelchairs, but one has cerebral palsy and the other has a lot of OCD and developmental disabilities, but they can relate to me because of the chair.  I challenged them to a race.  I kicked their asses!  Okay, it wasn't a fair race, but whatever!  I went home and thought about Javier.  I called Deveney to ask her advice.  She told me to be careful, and don't get hurt.  I knew that.  I've already decided that I can deal with this.  The simple fact that I'm feeling something like this again is worth the certain risk.  I'd rather have my crazy, interesting life filled with saga after saga, than some boring nothing.  I do wish that Javier were single.  But maybe that wouldn't make it any easier.  I mean, they're in an open relationship, but Javier and I haven't had sex.  It's been much more than that.  And I guess I feel guilty about that.  His boyfriend sounds like a very nice guy.  I'm not sure what to do.  I don't think I have to be sure.  But I like feeling emotional again.  Between issues with my family and my shitty relationship with Justin, I've had my emotions completely shut down for a long, long time.  I actually think this sudden leaking of emotions at random things is because I've been holding it all in for so long.  It feels good to feel again.  I don't know that I have much choice in the matter, anyway.  I'm so glad it's spring and that sunny days are just around the corner.  I don't know.  I need to be outside.  It's so weird, I love all of my jobs, but I don't want to do them anymore.  I want to do something completely different.  Especially my main job.  It's a great job with great pay and flexibility, the people are nice, but I'm just not satisfied with it.  It's not what I want to do with my life.  I feel like I just have no direction at all anymore.  I used to have that long list of goals to accomplish.  The impossible The List.  Most of that list is now accomplished, and I don't know what to do next.  I really want to be debt free, but that's years away.  I need something more definite and attainable.  I want to have abs, but that's becoming a pipe dream of exercise waves and alcohol induced fantasy.  Maybe I need to make a new list, and really think about it.  I did new art work today, also, which was the first time in about two years since I've drawn.  (Check it out at the Art Corner!)  I've just felt so inspired to write or draw or sing or something.  Anyway, I need to sleep.  Tomorrow is yet another day.




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