is for Acceptance: All anyone wants is to be accepted. I want to be accepted for the intelligent, well-talented person that I know myself to be. I am tired of others thinking
they know what is right for me because I'm fatter
than they are. I would like to go down a street without the stares and dirty
looks. I would like to be able to sit on the couch without my mother telling
me to get off of it before I break it.
is for Belly: It's always in the way. It
rubs on the steering wheel, it catches food I drop, it makes shoe-tying almost impossible, and keeps me from almost any seat known to normal man.
is for Comments: Every person I have ever met has found it to be one of their
goals to save me.
is for Dreams: I have so many dreams that will never come true if I don't change
my life. Traveling the world, singing, finishing a marathon, reaching age 30, will never come true if I stay the way I am.
is for Eating: I don't want to always be the first person finished a meal. I want to eat without the feeling that I am being monitored by the people around, regardless of whether I am or not.
I want to finally be free of my serious
addiction with fat.
is for Freedom: I want freedom from this prison that is my body. So many things I would like to do with my life, but because I am a prisoner of myself, I reside in this room, alone with my feelings of shame.
is for Greatness: I know that I am destined to be a great person if I can only
transform myself. I have felt it for as long as I can remember and I know that I am not destined to stay like this until an early death.
is for Happiness: I don't mean in the sense that every moment is perfect, because
that is unreality. I mean happiness in the sense that I can accept myself for who I am without worrying about who I'm not.
is for Ignorance: This one is for all of the people who were so ignorant that
they could never accept me for who I was. I pity you for how pathetic you were when you taunted me and for what a small person you must think yourself to be that you would bring
yourself to such a low level of being.
is for Jokes: This is for every fat joke that has every crossed my path. They were never funny, though I might have laughed. If only someone could have found your worst uncontrollable
fault and endlessly taunted you about it until
you no longer felt like a human being. Perhaps then justice would have been served.
is for Killing: Every day I am slowly killing myself, and will shortly end up
in a shallow grave if something is not done soon.
is for Life: I want to experience my life to its full extent, not just to the
extent of what my current abilities are (and mind
you, they are not many). I want to live to see several decades, and not just
the first two, three, or four.
is for Malpractice: This is for the doctors who helped to get me where I am today. I now realize your fear of being sued is what made you act the way you did, but I hope you realize the life of torment you have passed on to me.
is for Names: Fat Crawler, Pork Chop, Fatso, Tub of Lard, Blue Whale, Tidal Wave,
Shamu, Ex-Anorexic, and a million others I either
can't or don't want to remember.
is for Obesity: Though I can't even begin to imagine the actual girth of my body
(and yes, this term has been used to describe me),
I realize that it is this disease called obesity that is out to destroy my way of life.
is for Pride: I have become humble in my experiences. From splitting up
families on airplanes, having to crawl in front
of crowds because of my inability to walk, or making old people angry when I have to take their seats on the bus because I cannot fit down the aisle, I have learned humility to nearly
its full extent. I have even had to plead to thousands of people in fairground grand stands when the authorities tried to have
me thrown out because I was in a wheelchair.
This was all brought on because of my addiction to food. I am not looking for
loads of pride, but just the pride that every normal human being carries with them.
is for Questions: All of the unanswered questions I have. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I control myself? Is there a way out? Am I condemned to
stay like this forever? Why can't people see me for who I really am? Great questions, few answers.
is for Redemption: I want to redeem the person that I was meant to be. I want to get back on track with my
plan that God has worked out for me. I want to get my life back.
is for Self: I want to respect myself.
I want to leave my old, depressed, self-denying life behind. I want to
want to be attractive to the opposite sex. I want to feel like a man instead
of a child. I want to be able to take my shirt off at the beach. I want to walk up a flight
of stairs without having to pull myself up with
the railing. I want to love myself, and feel loved by others without the feeling
that they only love me because they have to.
is for Time: I want time to live my life.
I dont want to wake up one day and say "Why did I waste my life away?" I want
to feel that I'm not rushed to accomplish everything because of this impending doom that I don't have much time left to do
is for Underwear: This one may seem a bit foolish, but I want to wear underwear
again. I can still squeeze into some very tight ones that I own, but only when I have to. They
are so stretched that they have busted elastic
strings sticking out on them everywhere, and little tears where the seams could not take the pressure any more. They are also very painful to wear,
and make it next to impossible to go to the bathroom.
is for Vanity: I want to go to my five year high school reunion and not be the
fat kid that they are all expecting. I want people to not recognize me when they bump into me, and I want to feel attractive. I want
to have the handsome body to go along with the handsome face that everyone is always telling me I have. I want to sit in plastic
furniture without having the legs of the chair bend right
out from under it. I want to fall with grace.
I want someone to think that they don't
deserve to have me instead of it always being the other way around.
is for Wishes: I want to make some of my unfulfilled wishes come true. I want to go hiking. I want to get rejected for a job at McDonald's because I am not intelligent
enough and not just for the fact that the manager
"sees no way for him to fit behind the counter". I wish I could swim without
getting a lesson in humility, go dancing, walk
on the beach, feel confident to approach a girl, not bend the track below the drivers seat in my car so that the seat can no longer go backwards or forwards, fit in a restaurant booth, do anything without sweating and being out of breath,
not always be the typical jolly fat guy who gives
everybody a good laugh, and not always be brushed off during disagreements because when I met the person, I made them understand that I would be the pushover in this relationship. I would like
to be treated like an adult instead of like a child who is in eternal need of care. I wish I could hold the door open for someone
without them thinking they need to hold it for
me because I'm incapable.
is for eXcitement: The feeling I get when I know I'm ending my life of torture
and oppression. I will soon be free from this immobile flesh prison.
is for Youth: I have always felt old, even when I was young. I want to change my life while I am still young and not wait until I am too old to enjoy the things that other people my age find to be normal activities. This
includes dating, clubbing, partying, taking my place in society, traveling, jumping in cars and going for a ride, running and playing sports, and just doing normal things. I want to feel
free enough to plop my whole body down on my bed without the fear of the legs giving out and the entire ensemble crashing to the floor in a broken, crumbled mess.
is for Zeal: The feeling I get when I realize there is hope for me. There is a way out, and I will soon know many aspects that life has to offer that I do not even now realize exist.
My life is no longer darkness with no light
at the end of the tunnel, but an adventure that is just waiting to happen.