"Well, he lost his throat in a rape-related incident." - Aaron H.
"That new phone gives you turn by turn directions while you're driving!" - Theresa
"So does your wife if you get married." - Me
"Holy mother friggin' shit!" - Melody
"I just slept with him. He wasn't my type!" - Blanche Devereaux (Golden Girls)
"I want a quote. Everything I say is funny!" - Deveney
"She can submit your essay for graduate school if she just switches the word 'German' to 'Molecular Biology DNA Analysis'!"
- Me
"I'm not worried about it. I've already got Carpal Tunnel of steel." - Me
"We have a saying in Russian: 'If a dancer is born crippled, he probably won't make a very good dancer...' Well,
it sounds a lot different in Russian!" - Azar
"There should be a per capita limit for flannel in your town." - Cara
"I could be the perfect queer. All I'd need is a drug problem and a severe eating disorder!" - Me
"I like to touch boys." - Fran
"Melissa, please! If he were street legal, you would be riding him in a second." - Me
"He's like the Energizer Dumbass!" - Melissa
"If I was my boss, I would fire me." - David J.
"It's like we're in a parade nobody wants to see." - Me
"You can do it. Put your ass into it." - Curt
"That is such a great chazy." - Melissa
"Tameika, never play leap frog with a porcupine!" - Me
"Oh my me!" - God
"How could you not love Hanson?" - Me
"You're a s1ut." - Catrina
"No, I'm not!" - Me
"Yes you are! You're a s1ut!" - Catrina
"Ain't no thang but a chicken wang!" - Me
"Hutsoo, hutsoo, hutsoo." - Me
"I'm a super-freak. Super-freak. I'm super freakay..." - Me
"I will never eat ice cream again." - Me
"I didn't know what a chubby was, but thanks to you, I'll never forget it." - Ruth
"Is it illegal to swear over the Internet?" - Mom
"Melissa, won't you please learn to juggle?" - Me
"I'm sick, but I'm pridday!" - Me
"Do you think some guys have stretchmark fetish.es?" - Meggan
"Meggan, you do not have fat bones!" - Me
"All that yoghurt's got to go somewhere..." - Me
"Ow! My earball!" - Cara
"Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday with Cara..." - Me
"Cracker, please!" - Me
"Slut-ever!" - Melissa
"All that yoghurt's got to go somewhere." - Me
"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid." - Mom
"Alopecia universalis: It's Latin for 'You ain't got no hair, bitch!'" - Melissa
"Because that's what Easter is all about." - Mom (in answer to my question as to why the Easter basket needed fake grass
in it...)
"I mean, these are people who are counting on going to that double-wide in the sky." - Andrea
"Your house is like a violent episode of Barney!" - Me
"I can honestly say, without exaggeration or sarcasm, that it was the most fun I've ever had getting a six inch needle
jabbed into my spine." - Me
"You're the only man I know who went to college, can speak six different languages, and has a Master's degree in washing
cars!" - Uncle Jerry
"Danny the dugong, you're such a fat-ass!" - Meggan
"Meggan-tee, elephant of the sea!" - Me
"Do you remember that old saying, 'Give a man a sandwich and he'll eat for a day?'" - Mom
"Yeah, but teach him to catch a sandwich and he'll eat for a lifetime." - Me
"Sorry, I don't know what to say. I don't speak Starbucks." - Me
"That is the retardedest thing I've ever heard!" - Me
"I had my stomach amputated." - Me
"If it's a medical emergency, it only takes a few hours to get denied." - (The lady on the phone at my insurance company.)
"My hump, my hump, my lovely Danny lumps, in the back and in the front!" - Me
"Trust me, seven months of motherhood changes a woman." - Cara
"But seven months of fatherhood could never change any man." - Me
"Ain't that the truth!" - Cara
"She said I can work on Valentine's Day because I'm single. That's like making the ugly girl work on Pretty Day!"
- Thessalea
"This gaiety is queer to me." - Jeremy
"I hate Eskimos." - Tim
"Dude, you are an Eskimo." - Me
"Drugs are bad mmkay." - Melissa
"High-five on the clean punani!" - Me
"Faith, though your advances are flattering, I am a homosexual." - Me
"Floggings will continue until morale improves!" - Melissa
