The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (May 2002)
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My Journal for May 2002

May 1, 2002


Well, it's that time again.  Only nine more days until my triumphant return to the United States.  Let's see.  I've been seeing Nathalie on a daily basis, for voice lessons, and other than having that drive me crazy, not a whole lot has been going on, I suppose.  Last night she asked me if I could go to Colombia for Christmas break, next year, and stay with her family.  Man, it is so tempting.  I looked at some of her pictures from the last time she went home.  First of all, her entire family and all of her friends look like super models.  Second, they live in a huge, very expensive, resort, right on the beach!  It is so beautiful.  They have a huge yacht, and it looks like they just have fun all of the time.  She said her father owns a couple of restaurants and clubs at this resort, and so they can just stay there whenever they want.  She also said that her family has body guards, and they live in a very rich area that is really safe, but I told her I didn't know, as it would kill my parents to have me go there.  I know they would be scared to death I would get kidnapped, or killed, or some other thing.  I have always wanted to go to Colombia.  I have lots of friends there that I've known from my other college in the United States, and I would love to see them again.  AAAAAUUUGH!  It would be such a dream come true!  Why do the damn drug lords have to ruin the most perfect vacation spot in the world?!?!?!?  Well, guess that's about the only thing really going on.  I'm finally putting up a post of normal length!  Please write in my Guestbook or drop me an email, as I love to hear from people.  Any questions or comments are welcome, and I have such a great support team now.  So many friendly people in the world, it's really amazing.  J





May 5, 2002


Hello again, everyone.  I realize that my updates have been getting further and further apart, and I'm sorry.  I've just had a lot on my mind, lately, and I've also been trying to finish up my schoolwork, as my return to the United States is in four days.  Now is the part where I must inform my loyal readers of some bad news.  It may be a while until I update again after I go home, as I don't have Internet access, except at the library, which is not handicapped accessible, due to the stupid Historical Society preventing modern conveniences, such as ramps for wheelchairs.  It's ridiculous, but I can't go around suing everybody, so you all will just have to wait.  SorryJ  Well, I went to Mexico City again with Natalie.  (I know, bad poor little fool!)  It actually wasn't that bad.  Well, it was at first.  Natalie fell in love with an eighteen year old skinny boy, and they are now dating.  Probably what bothered me the most about it is that he's really nice, so I can't justifiably hate him.  (But as the song says, I'll think of a reason later, *LOL*.)  Speaking of that, Mom called me tonight.  It seems that a while back, when the whole Natalie conflict started and we were sort of arguing, I promised her that I wouldn't go to Mexico City again with Natalie.  Well, I may have made that promise when I was angry, but in all honesty, I don't remember having said it.  Well, long personal story short, we argued a bit, we both said some things we shouldn't have (especially me), and Mom hung up on me.  I wrote her an email expressing my anger and depression, and then another apologizing.  I really don't know if she'll forgive me, but I hope she does.  I've just been going through a lot lately, and I often forget to think before I talk.  I guess that's why arguments hurt, though.  During a lot of recent events, I have made my own self-discovery.  I hate my life.  I hate the way people treat me.  I hate my self-image.  I hate the way I look and how people react to my grotesque appearance.  I like that I have a great voice.  It's my one good attribute, but I hate that no one ever takes me seriously because I'm sitting down or I'm nice enough for them to think I'm a child because I'm so innocent.  I hate that I carry guilt with me all of the time for letting my life become so pathetic.  I hate that I've hurt the people closest to me.  I shudder and cry to think about the extensive number of times I've contemplated suicide.  I don't think I ever really consider following through with it.  I'm much too chicken for that, and I do believe that things will get better.  But I often sit and think things such as "I wonder how many floors I would have to jump from to die, and not just hurt myself really badly", or "Would a knife wound really be as painful as it looks?"  I know these are very morbid things to think about, and it actually repulses me that I think of them.  I just don't know how many more rude comments and stares I can take.  I thank God for this operation, and that I'm finally going to have a way out of this nightmare that is my life.  Would any of this be classified as depression?  I'm really not so sure.  I've always been the smiling one, the happy one, the jolly one.  Don't get me wrong.  I love life...just not the way my own has gone.  Perhaps what helps me the most is the fact that I'm so young and I know there is hope.  I will no longer have to fear the chest pains that I get, because they will go away.  I will no longer suffer from the terrible heartburn that is plaguing me even as I write.  I will no longer have to stand out because I'm the fattest person I know, but I will stand out for my talents.  I do have hope.  That gives me joy.  I know there is light at the end of the tunnel; I just have to make sure that I take the right tunnel.  I thank you all so much for the support you've been giving me.  I promise that I will write at least one more time before I leave a last will and testament, if nothing else, as I hate flying and have a deathly fear of heights.  There's just something about careening toward the earth at a thousand miles per hour that gives me the heebie jeebies.  Goodnight folks.




May 9, 2002


As promised, here is my final entry before my final departure from Mexico.  I leave tomorrow, from my school, at about 4 o'clock in the morning, and I will be arriving in Burlington, Vermont at approximately 9:30 P.M.  I'm very excited, but I also still have to translate four more pages and pack everything before I go.  I also have to schedule the school van to come and pick me up, bring back my Internet cable that is on loan from the school, pay my final bill, and say my last good-byes.  As a final good time, last night I, three Americans, and one Mexican, all went out for dinner at Tony Roma's.  Can I just say, MMMMMMmmmmm.  I think I may have stuffed myself to the max.  Then I, Cara, and Bethany went to see Kate and Leopold at the movie theater here (remember that all movies in Mexico are months, and even years, late in their release).  It was so cute and cheesy romantic, but I like that, so whatever.  I also forgot to tell you all that I got highlights in my hair.  I have mixed reviews.  Most of the girls say it looks really cute, and most of the guys say I look like a gay Backstreet Boy.  I don't know or care.  It was twenty-five dollars for the dye and the haircut, so not a huge loss, and I figure no matter how bad it looks, it'll grow out in a month or two.  Well, Natalie and I went through this whole ceremony yesterday, of saying goodbye, and we planted a leaf under the tree.  She cried for about an hour.  I didn't cry at all.  It's weird, but I'm glad it's over.  I really am.  I still love her, but in an "I'm sure she'll do great, but I'm glad it's over and I'm leaving" sort of way.  I think I'm getting a job at that radio station, and I'll be able to see my friends again, and I won't even have to think about school for four months, and I have my surgery coming, and life will be good by this time tomorrow.  It's a bit funny to look back and see how long nine months here has flown by.  It even seems like forever since I went home for Christmas, and yet, it has gone fast, too.  I guess it's like that guy said in Meet Joe Black:  "Life goes by in a blink".  Well, I wish you all the best, and feel free to drop me an email every now and then, or signing my Guestbook would be even better, as I will only be checking my email about once a month until I start school again at the end of August.  After my surgery, if I'm feeling well enough, I may do an update to let you all know how it turned out, but no promises until August.  Thank you to all of those who have given me support and let me know how much you care.  Kelly, you don't even realize what you have done for me; Stephani, your friendship and advice has been a stepping stone in my life, and both of you really helped me to overcome some of my fears.  Nicole, I can't even begin to thank you for all of the advice and support you've given me.  You are beautiful, and in so much more than your looks (which I might add, are very fine!  J).  And to all of the others who I haven't mentioned, you know who you are, keep the fire burning in your soul, because that is the light that will lead your loved ones home.  Goodbye until later.  Adios Mexico.

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