June 2, 2004
This has been the most disappointing day I've had in a long time. A couple of days ago, I learned of a job at my
school working in the international office as an administrative assistant. I was so excited, I couldn't get to sleep
for over two hours that night thinking about how that job was perfect for me and I was going to tweek my resume, and at least
be a prime choice for the position. It really would have been perfect for me, returning back to my college, working
with people from all over the world... having a purpose in life. So I got up early the next morning, unable to sleep
because I was so excited. After working for several hours to make sure everything was perfect, I decided to mail it
out first thing the next morning. I even double checked to make sure the job was still posted on the website.
So this morning, my mom said I should call down to the school and see if I could just hand deliver it and get an interview
at the same time. I thought that was a good idea. So I call and the guy told me that they had just decided to
hire somebody internal this morning, and I was crushed. I just said that it was really disappointing and hung up.
I told my parents, and then got to work cleaning the house. I picked up the nasty underwear my dad has had on the bathroom
floor for the last three days. I dug the old, oily crud out of the sink that was left from someone else not finishing
another batch of dishes. I picked up a pillow on the floor that was caked in dirt and dog hair, and I wouldn't let myself
cry because it was my own fault for getting my hopes up so high. Last night I just lay in bed for hours thinking about
how great it would be if I got this job. Even then, I didn't think my hopes were as high as they apparently were.
I really, really wanted this. It figures that the one thing in the world that could have gotten me out of this hole
where people refuse to pick up after themselves in the slightest way, would be given away before I even had a chance to try
for it. Why, oh why, do I do this shit to myself? I wasn't looking for gold and fame. I just wanted my life
back. And now it feels like I'll never have it. I've had so many ideas over the last few days for how to get on
with my life, and then this came along, perfect and shining like a beacon of light, and I was really crushed to have it dissipate
so quickly. And they gave it to somebody who already worked there, of all things. Somebody who was already living
the life I wanted so badly. Maybe they deserved it more, but maybe they didn't. I never even got a chance to be
judged. It's as if you had put so much work into the perfect Halloween costume, knew it was a sure thing that you would
win the hundred dollar prize for the night, but your car broke down on the way to the party. When you get there, they
have already given the prize to some girl in an ugly yellow pinafore and everybody keeps patting you on the back, saying what
a great costume you had. Too little too late. So I guess moping around, obsessing about the fact that I'm never
going to get out of my parents' house isn't going to get it any cleaner. Hey, there is a point to my life! Digging
the dried on diarrhea off of the toilet bowl because my nasty brother ate too much and is too much of a slob to even consider
putting his muddy, foot-rot infested boots away, much less wiping down the bowl after one of his leisurely half hours in there.
I mean, seriously, what's the point of all this? This life can't possibly be the one I was born to live. How can
this hell be my existence? I'm right at a crossroads, and I can't decide whether I want to bawl and scream and cry my
eyes out, or if I'm just too tired to even care about trying anymore. Life truly sucks.
June 9, 2004
Yesterday afternoon I went to the drugstore and bought some Viactiv, Niciacin and Biotin supplements, and some children's
vitamins. I've never tried the Niacin or Biotin before, but the people at the last support group meeting told me that
Biotin might help with some hair regrowth. I had read a little about Niacin, too, and it seemed like it couldn't hurt,
so I grabbed some of that, as well. I got home, ate half a bag of beef jerky and drank some iced tea, and took all of
these pills and chews. Not ten minutes later, my ears started burning like crazy. It had been hot and humid all
day, and though I hadn't been out in the sun more than a few minutes all day, I figured it was either a burn or my imagination.
Then my whole face felt really hot, but when I touched it, my skin felt cool. All of a sudden, my arms and shoulders
started burning, as if I had gotten a horrible sunburn, and my skin started turning all shades of red. I thought I was
going crazy, so I hollered to my brother to come and see if I looked red. His face looked horrified when he came in
and he said my whole face was turning black. I jumped up and headed to the bathroom, and sure enough, my whole face
was turning a dark shade of purple. So I immediately headed out the door with my little sister and bolted to the emergency
room. The woman behind the counter kept laughing and saying how tired she was and repeated the same questions several
time. She said she was leaving in a couple of minutes, and I could tell the other woman about it when she arrived.
Sheesh. So finally the other showed up, and she felt my skin, which still wasn't hot, but it was obvious that something
was going on because I was red from head to toe and the burning was enough to almost make me cry. It was starting to
itch and I got noticeably thirsty. It was so bad that I started searching for a water fountain, but the only thing around
was a juice machine, and I didn't have any money. Eventually my mom showed up, as she had gone to the store with my
dad when all of this happened. She sat down and kept reminding me of how much the co-payment of my insurance was going
to be, but I told her it would be worth fifty friggin' dollars if I didn't die. She asked me which pills I had taken,
and I pointed to the pile of bottles sitting next to her on the stand and told which two I thought were the culprits.
So she started reading the Niacin bottle. "NOTICE: Use of this product may cause skin flushing, burning, itching or
rash. Do not take on an empty stomach. This reaction can usually be relieved by drinking one or two glasses of
water." (The preceding notice has been edited from its original reading. There were also several sideways glances
at me as if I had the word "DUMBASS" written across my forehead.) So she told me that she had just saved me fifty bucks
and could we leave now. I was literally thirsting to death, and I didn't care so long as I could get some water, so
I told the admitting nurse that the bottle clarified everything and that I would come back if it got any worse. She
"adviced strongly against" this, but it didn't seem so urgent that they had let me see a doctor in the entire half hour I
had been sitting there, even though there was no one else there, so I said, "That's okay. Sorry I wasted your time,"
and left. Of course I felt like an idiot, and Camisha kept laughing at me because the Outkast song, Hey yeah!
was playing, and it, oddly enough, matched this situation to a tee. So when I got home, I drank about 32 ounces
of water within a twenty minute time frame. That had to be a new record, but I was so thirsty that I couldn't even believe
it. All I could keep saying is, "What kind of company makes a pill that causes people to burn and itch? Shouldn't
they be working against that sort of thing?" But Mom sure seemed satisfied with herself, gloating about how much smarter
than me she was. I had to admit that she was right, as much as that one hurt. So what did we learn here?
Oh yeah! Read the entire label before taking a mystery pill. At least that way when your world crashes around
you, you'll know if it's a normal occurrence or if a trip to the emergency room is actually warranted. In other news,
another job has been posted at my college working in the Admission Office. I'm not going to get my hopes up (hopefully!),
but man, I hope I get that job! I also mailed out a package to my friend, Bethany, who is in the Peace Corps and living
in Paraguay. I sent her a bunch of clothes, pictures, and candy, so let's hope that brightens up her day. She
only brought three pairs of pants with her, and her little puppy chewed one of them a bit, so I sent her a bunch of different
clothes. Her mom told me that everything she has to wear is in bad shape because she has to wash them in the river on
rocks. I hope she likes what I got her! I'm also waiting on a new seat for my wheelchair, because the old one
busted a few seams and is sagging, about ready to come crashing down. I'm using my old backup chair, but I don't like
it. It has no clothing guards and it's a lot wider, so it doesn't go through doors very well. But other than that,
it's just another exciting day of cleaning the house. Yippee skippy!
June 18, 2004
Time just flies sometimes. That's one of the only things I don't like about this time of year is that it is so
short and passes right by, where the winter seems to drag on forever. Anyway, I've been a busy little bee, lately.
Tuesday I drove to Burlington to get my wheelchair fixed because the seat had ripped out on it. While I was there, I
stopped by my alma mater (i.e. college) and ate lunch with Camisha in the little shop they have there. The school is
going through some major construction lately, and it's funny, but even in the one year that I left, it has changed so much
that I barely recognize it. Some of the stuff is better, but it just looks crowded a bit now. But I digress...
I have a friend who works in the cafe there, and as soon as she saw me she said, "Oh my God! You've lost so much weight!
You look awesome!" She ran up and gave me the biggest hug in the world. Evelyn is great. She's from Guam,
and she has worked in the cafe for a couple of years now, but she told me that in August she and her husband are moving to
Oregon to be with her husband's son because of some custody/visitation problem they are having. I'll miss her, as I'm
sure a lot of people in the school will. But anyway, she was ecstatic over my weightloss and couldn't even believe her
eyes, or so she said. Wednesday passed fairly uneventfully, but today was great. I drove down to Burlington with
my brother, Thomas, because he had to go see an officer down there about a motorcycle accident he had gotten into a couple
of weeks ago. The cop was nice enough, if not a little short with us because of the inconvenience, then we did a little
light shopping. It was great to spend the day with Thomas and just catch up with him. It seems like forever since
we've just had a chance to talk. He lives with his girlfriend now whenever he's not at college, so I hardly ever see
him. He invited me over to his place on Saturday night for a night of hanging out and video games because his girlfriend
is going home for Father's Day, so it will be a guys night of sorts. But I was just glad to hang out with him today.
And I picked up the greatest thing while I was at Barnes & Noble (the most amazing store in the world!).
I had a special discount coupon to go along with my membership discount, so I picked up one of those slightly pricey advanced
language systems. I've never seen this new company's version before, but it is one of those deals where you learn languages
from CDs. I've tried them on tape before and was horribly disappointed, but the outside of the box seemed to be more
promising than the crap I've tried before. So I got the one for Arabic, which I have been wanting to learn for ages.
It is truly a great system. Within minutes I was saying complete sentences. I listened to the CDs for around
five hours before I decided that I would stop. I can already say whole paragraphs now. I truly feel that it was
one of the best investments I've made in a long time, and all for around thirty bucks. On top of that, there is a man
interested in the truck I had wanted to restore before until I realized that it would cost money. It would be fantastic
to pay that fifteen hundred bucks on my bills. And to even further the good news, my friend that had expressed an interest
in my working for her a while back, contacted me today and told me to give her a call tomorrow morning about "a proposition",
so I'll be on the horn first thing in the morning. Financial freedom is certainly a long term goal for me. I love
the feeling of paying debts off. There are few things as satisfying, especially after you have worked hard to get the
money to do it. I've never been afraid of hard work. I actually thrive on it, as long as I know that it's leading
somewhere. So with so much to do tomorrow, why am I still writing? Good night!