September 5, 2004
I'm now back into the swing of things as far as my life has been going, but it's not dragging like it had been before
I went to Mexico. I don't even think I had realized just how much I had really needed that vacation. The kids
are all going to be back in school this week, I've started working for Mary again at her office (though only one day a week
now), I've been working on getting my graduate school applications together, and I've also started the process for an attempt
at Extreme Makeover. I don't expect anything to come of it because of how many people must apply, but it can't
hurt and so many people have told me they think I would be perfect for it. The only thing that hasn't been going all
that well is my weightloss. I lost sixteen pounds while I was in Mexico without even trying, but since I've come back,
I've just fluctuated within one pound for over two weeks running. I even went to a Weight Watchers meeting to try and
get an extra jolt. I followed the program for a day before I accidentally left all of the materials at the hospital
when I went down for the monthly support group meeting for post operative patients. *Sigh*.... I guess it just
wasn't meant to be. I could still lose weight, but I can now clearly see that it's going to take concerted effort on
my part. When I was in Mexico, I was easily pushing miles per day in my wheelchair, and only even thought about eating
twice a day. I didn't even have to think about trying to lose weight because I could feel that I was. And even
since I've come back, so many people have said something about how much I lost while I was down there. It's funny because
after I had lost a hundred pounds, nobody even noticed, but now when I lose five people are always telling me how different
I look. And if one more person tells me I look so much like one of my brothers, I think I'll scream! I've honestly
been considering giving up almost all meat for a week just to see if that helps, because I hardly ate meat while down south.
You just never know if it's safe, so you tend to avoid it a lot of times. I also think I'm going to give up the caffeine
free diet soda I've been drinking tons of. It makes me thirsty as hell so I just keep drinking more. Can you become
addicted to something with no addictive substances in it? I have no idea. Just my luck, I probably am. If
only I didn't have an entire case and a half of it in my bedroom... If I gave up the meat and soda for a week, it wouldn't
kill me either way, and it would be an excellent test period. That's it! From this moment forward, no more of
either. In other news, I went to a Patty Loveless concert yesterday with my friends Heather, Cathy, and Jo Ann.
We had a lot of fun, and I could swear Patty was making eyes at me from the stage. There's even a line in one song where
she says "lookin' so fine", and she looked over at me and winked. And I was way over on the side of the tiny crowd,
so there was no mistaking it. Ha ha ha, she wants me. She knows she does! I just hope her husband doesn't
find out! But it was great fun anyway. I've just been a busy bee lately, but there really is a reason for that.
I realized, while in Mexico, that there really is no reason that just because I'm home, I have to sit in the house everyday
with nothing to do. There's plenty to do if you are just open to it. I've really been living in fear of doing
stuff for some time now. It was like an unconcious belief that something horrible would happen with my wheelchair, or
someone would laugh at me, or I would not be able to do something because of my weight, and it was a stupid belief, but I
held myself back from so many possibilities of fun because of it. Now that I've identified my irrational fear, there's
nothing left to fear, and I go out all the time now. Life is certainly a lot better because of it. And now when
I think how I don't really want to go out some night because I won't fit in, I simply rationalize why I'm really feeling this
way, because of "fat fears" of the past, and I go out anyway. And you know what? I'm still here and I have a lot
more memories for having faced my fears. It really has been a godsend for me. I just enjoy life so much more on
a daily basis. My perspective has changed entirely, and I'm so much happier.
September 8, 2004
My grandmother's friend, Margaret, died a few days ago. She lived across the street from her for at least my entire
life, and was a very nice woman. Her only living sister had died about eight years ago, and she lived alone in her apartment.
When she died, she was cremated and wasn't even given a burial, or so I heard. She didn't have any living family members.
All I ever really knew of her was that she liked to knit and used to sew snow suits for my mother when I was younger.
It just made me think of how somebody could spend so many years on earth to be forgotten so quickly. Did she ever do
anything special that changed the world? In time, even I will probably forget her name. I'm sure in her lifetime,
something significant must have happened to her, but she never married or had children and now there's not even a rock with
her name on it anywhere. Who's to say she ever even existed? Maybe we live on in the memories of those around
us, but if we didn't really have people to remember us, do we live on? I've just been thinking about that a lot...
Well, last night I did something amazing. Not only did I put on my leg brace and walk around the house, but I actually
ran part of the way. I actually ran. And not only did I run, but I actually played kickball with three of
my siblings, where I also ran. My body is aching like hell today from it all, but it was a lot of fun. Camisha
was relentless with the ball, though, pegging me in the back like squashing an ant! I kept yelling, "It doesn't count
because I'm old and handicapped!" I had on a sweater because the mosquitos were unforgiving, so I was sweating like
Richard SImmons on Thanksgiving morning. Today my everything hurts. My neck, my back (lick my pussy and my crack...sorry,
slip into song every now and then!), my thighs, my ass...well, my everything! I made oatmeal this morning, but put in
way too much brown sugar, and now I'm finally coming down from a big dump. Ugh, I really need to stop eating so much
sugar, and salt, for that matter. But fortunately I am having a Thin Day today. That probably means I've lost
a little weight after last night's escapades, because I don't seem to have that many Thin Days anymore. I suppose I
should go walking and running more often. I'd probably have a lot more of them. It's just a dreary day today,
probably a precurser to hurricane Francis. I have a great uncle named Francis, and I sure wouldn't want him hanging
around. He's old and gross, lives in the woods with his redneck family, and is missing many teeth. Them's just
relations we's not so close wit'! So anyway, the house is a wreck, even though I cleaned it spotless yesterday, but
we all know what a nice, clean, considerate family I have. They are simply adept at picking up after themselves.
Aren't they empathetic? It's off to the trenches I go.
September 13, 2004
Yesterday I mailed my application for Extreme Makeover
. Oh God, please let me get it! That would
just be the most! I did the boobie dance to the milkshake song, the one that is at http://www.ifilms.com
, and is also at the end of the Ben Stiller movie, Dodgeball
. Sure, it was embarrasing, but I don't care
if I get the makeover. Well, the other day I went to the hospital for my weekly weigh-in, and I got so fed up.
The longer I stood on the scale, the higher the weight went. I had been exercising and so-so dieting all week, and by
the time I got off, the scale had slowly inched up to about five pounds more than what I had weighed the week before.
So I got off and got back on to check it again, and it went even higher. So I jumped off, said "Fuck you, you piece
of shit! I'm never coming back here again!", and I left rather abruptly. So now I don't know where I can go to
get weighed. I had joined Weight Watchers
a little while ago in a pathetic attempt to get back on a diet, but
I lost the damn book the first day and Mom found it in my car the day before my second meeting, so I threw caution to the
wind and said to hell with it. Mom had lasek eye surgery last Thursday, and I've been suffering ever since. She's
been in agony, but I'm the only one she will let put drops in her eyes anymore, and yesterday she couldn't be pleased.
But it's the least I owe her after all she did for me after all of my surgeries. When I was a kid, and adult now that
I think about it, she sat by my bed all night pushing the pain medication pump's button so I could sleep, and after my gastic
bypass, she gave me baths in the hospital and wiped my ass for me when I got home because I couldn't do it myself. So
I suppose a minor inconvenience is not even close to payback for all she's done for me. But anyway, it's been an exhausting
four days or so. But today she's up and about again, and she's actually gone with my grandmother right now, so I'm home
alone and going stir crazy from being in the house so long. It's funny. I had grown so accustomed to staying home
before I went to Mexico, but now if I don't leave every few days, I start getting cabin fever. I guess I'll just have
to get used to it. The leaves have started to change and it's gotten considerably cooler. I suppose it will be
snowing soon. But hopefully I'll be getting my plastic surgery soon, either through the television show (very unlikely)
or the hospital reference (much more probable). But for now, "My milshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're
like, it's better than yours, damn right, it's better than yours, I could teach you, but I'd have to charge..."