The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (November 2006)
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My Journal for November 2006

November 7, 2006
The world is topsy-turvy.  I don't know how else to explain it.  Let's back up a little.  I had to get glasses.  I knew I had needed them for ages, but my back-home eye doctor told me it was just my imagination.  I went to a new doctor who said it was clear that I've probably needed glasses for years.  So now I can actually see when I'm reading something.  Okay, that wasn't so crazy, but then life went on.  My former roommate from college, Dominic, called me the other night.  He's been suffering from chronic pains for the last six months, and every specialist in the world has not been able to find anything wrong with him.  He was on approximately twenty different drugs and was having some bad reactions between them, several even life-threatening, so he stopped taking them all cold turkey.  He then called me to inform me that he was now possessed by the devil.  He left that on my voicemail.  When I called him back, his mother answered and informed me that she and his wife were holding an exorcism over him and that the end of the world was probably coming.  I called back a few hours later, hoping the urgency had died down, to find that his condition had been down-graded to merely channeling long gone relatives and friends.  I could see that they clearly had the situation under control, and there wasn't much I could do for this incident from here anyway, so I just let it go.  A couple of days later Dominic called me to explain that he had a bit of a breakdown while coming off all of these drugs (no kidding...) and that if I needed anything, to just give him a call.  Yeah, we'll see.  Then on Saturday morning, I went to the gym.  All week I had been on this veganish diet because of this traumatizing book I had read.  It sort of tricked me into it.  But anyway, the morning before I went to the gym, I ate some waffles with maple syrup and had two very strong cups of coffee.  When I got to the gym, I could feel myself crashing.  I grabbed a couple candies from the can on the counter and jumped back on the bike.  That was the last thing I remember until I woke up to the paramedics lifting me into the ambulance and sticking me with needles.  Apparently I've become horribly hypoglycemic and ultra-sensitive to sugar and caffeine.  I've passed out from sugar consumption plenty of times, but never for more than a second or two.  I completely blacked out for nearly half an hour this day.  I was incoherent when I woke up.  I was terrified, confused, and emotionally alone.  Apparently this is one aspect of gastric bypass I had not been sufficiently warned about.  About half an hour after I had been at the hospital getting pumped full of sugar-rising drugs, my blood level was still only 54.  That is dangerous.  That is very dangerous.  I had apparently gotten off the bike, gone across the room, and fell out of my chair into some exercise bike.  I had a big bruise across my forehead, cuts on my hands, side, and right knee, bruised shins, two big gashes in the inside of my cheek, and had nearly bit the end of my tongue off.  I don't even remember getting off the bike.  The lady at the gym told me she had offered me Gatorade, but I had refused saying all the sugar would make me sick, and just sat there shaking.  Suddenly I just stopped shaking and talking, and she screamed for somebody to call an ambulance.  It was so scary.  It was embarrassing.  I'm scared about being alone and this happening, now.  And then the craziness continued.  Last night I talked to Adam, and he had terrible news, as well.  Sunday night, his parents were in an awful car accident.  His dad broke both legs, one arm, and has head injuries.  His mom still hasn't woken up.  I'm so sick over it myself.  I haven't even met them yet, but I feel so close to them just from him talking about them.  I'm hoping and praying that his mother will be alright.  She's a really good person, very caring and endearing.  I just hope she'll be okay.  I'm trying to be as strong for Adam as I can be, but it's hard when he lives so far away, and he's so darned determined to be strong on his own.  I wish he would lean on me more.  I love that kid so much.  But those are the hard things in life.  Speaking of parents, my parents are pretty much over, I think.  They've both just emotionally seperated and some really bad things have been going on, and I think they've both been acting like children in a lot of ways, but they have to do what they have to do for themselves.  I can't and won't try to fix this stuff for them.  I love them both unwaveringly, but it's just too much.  I've got bills and other trauma going on, and it's a lot to deal with.  It's funny how much priorities change in the face of adversity and tragedy.  I want to be strong for the people I love.  But that's the easy part.  It's always harder to be strong for yourself.  That's why we need each other so much.  Because, just like my fainting, I can't always be strong for myself.  Sometimes you just need to lean on others no matter how much you want to hold yourself up.  It's a hard, but valuable, lesson.
November 17, 2006
And so ended the dream.  I guess, in retrospect, that was the most we ever had together.  He lied to me about a lot of things, and the fact of the matter is, he didn't have to.  He lied about things that wouldn't have made a difference to me, but I guess it's too late now.  I'm moving on.  He had said he wanted a friendship, but apparently he didn't.  Maybe it's just better this way.  So I've started going out again and dating again and talking to other guys again.  I had forgotten just how much the game sucks.  People are rude and disgusting right off when you meet them.  They ask you personal questions they have no business asking.  They treat you like an object or some prize to be won.  But I learned a lot from my relationship with Adam.  I value myself more now.  I won't be doing those self-destructive things I was doing before.  I won't settle for whatever loser comes along.  I'm worth holding out for more than inadequate.  So it may not have gone at all how I wanted it to, but it was still valuable and something that will always have an affect on my life.  I guess in the end, that's what really matters.  And, as dumb as this may sound, I'll always hold a special place for who I thought he was, and who I was with him.  It's hard to let go of a dream, but I suppose it's best to live in reality.  It just hurts, but I've always been good at picking myself up.  Yay me...

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