The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (December 2006)
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My Journal for December 2006

December 10, 2006
Christmas time is a-coming, and that can only really mean one thing:  I had to go to the gay-themed uniform party as a hot little cowboy last night.  Yeah, it makes perfect sense.  So I hadn't really been drinking the past few weeks as I've been working out a lot and eating right and all that jazz.  So, of course, with no tolerance level built up, I was pretty much wasted in twenty minutes or less (no waiting!) and hitting on every cute, or not, guy that walked by.  Oh my god, cool?  Not so much.  I've been dating like I'll win some kind of prize when I find the right guy.  I know, I know.  I'll find the right person when I stop looking.  Well, that hasn't worked for the last twenty-five years, so I'm going to try this approach.  So last night I think I probably kissed or made out with about ten people (gross, I know) and got a couple numbers, and groped a lot of ass.  Man, is there something wrong with me?  I swear this weightloss has made me some kind of sex-crazed maniac at times.  I never even cared about it before, and now I think about in all the time.  Everything I do is with the ultimate goal or intent of finding somebody cute and having sex.  Sheesh, I sound a bit pathetic, huh?  But the thing is, I rarely ever actually do it.  I've only had sex with one person in the last... four months?  I mean, it was a couple times, but still.  And no, it was nothing more than that.  He's a nice guy and all, but I'm just not ready to go there with him.  So anyway, I got a phone number from a really cute guy named Chris, last night.  He wants to hang out today.  And I saw Vinny, also, and he told me to give him a call and we'll get together later this week.  But I suppose the person I'm the most interested in, once again, is somebody I haven't met in person yet.  His name is John.  I could swear this guy is my twin or something.  I met him online, but he only lives about an hour and a half from me.  He even sort of looks like me.  He speaks several languages, has lost a bunch of weight, loves to travel in foreign countries, and is on a trek of self-improvement.  When we talk, we just get each other.  He's cute and all, but honestly, it's his personality that is the most attractive thing about him.  We just match very well.  But the problem is, he's in school, and he leaves in a couple days to go to Virginia for three weeks over the holiday.  *Sigh*  So I have to wait all that time to meet him in person.  But good things come to those who wait, right?  I guess time will tell.  (Wow, sometimes everything that comes out of me is an outdated cliche statement.  I'm so original!)  And so about my diet and exercise thing.  I've been going to the gym five days a week, and I feel so much better.  I've also been trying to eat better, and for the most-part, I do pretty well with that.  But sheesh, there's chocolate and candy around every corner, followed by a barage of pies, cakes, nog, and even the gym has a pizza night once a month!  But I've really been doing pretty well at not touching that stuff.  And I know I've gained a lot of muscle, but it sucks when you work out for two weeks and you gain two pounds.  I mean, I know my body is adjusting, because I see the difference and people keep commenting about how I've clearly lost weight over the last two weeks, but still...  I want to see poundage!  And there's something else.  I've noticed recently that I'm not as nice as I used to be, and I don't like it.  I'm not talking about the part where I was once taken advantage of and used like a doormat.  I don't and won't miss that at all.  But I've just noticed that, even though I'm still pretty nice, I just think and feel mean things toward other people, even people I don't even know.  Honestly, I wonder if it's not a bit from the shallow people in the gay community that have made me start thinking that way a bit.  I went on a date last week with this guy.  We got along great, went to a movie, had dinner, the conversation was strong.  He seemed cute and nice.  Well, when he brought me back home, I invited him up just to hang out and maybe have a cup of coffee or something, and he actually said to me, "I'm sorry, but I'm really just attracted to thin guys with abs."  No. Fucking. Way.  So I think that instances like that are making me put a guarded wall up a bit, because the thing was, it really didn't even hurt my feelings.  I just thought, "Okay, no biggie."  There was a time when something like that would have made me die a little inside.  But now I've turned harder and I think it's making me be less nice to other people at the same time.  I wish I could figure some way to be well-guarded and confident without being an asshole.  There has to be a happy medium.  Don't get me wrong.  I don't go around intentionally hurting people or anything like that.  I'm just not as overly nice as I used to be.  I don't go way out of my way to help people like I used to.  Maybe I could find some constructive way of doing that, like volunteering or something.  I need a more structured game plan, I suppose.  And on top of all that, I think my parents' divorce start-up is probably part of it, too.  They are both doing their best to make me take sides as they start ripping their own lives apart, and I'm trying to stay neutral and just stay out of it, but they're both making it so hard.  I don't see why divorce has to be all nasty and bloody and hateful.  Why can't people just go their own ways when things obviously haven't been working out?  Why do people, in general (and this includes me), feel the need to have someone else define them.  I know I didn't used to think like that, but lately, I've been lonely again, and I just wish I had someone special to share things with.  And I suppose that in the end, divorce is really admitting to the death of the dream.  We all put so much hope into that dream, and to see it crumble and fall apart right before your eyes, must be hard to go through.  Well, maybe I'll find somebody special and we can destroy our life and split, and then I'll find out.  Ha ha, I guess that's a pretty morbid dream.  Yeah, I'm cool like that.  For now I just have the dream of getting abs so that the guys who only want abs can't touch them.  Yeah, that's kind of morbid, too.  Oh well, morbid is as morbid does!  I decorated for Christmas, too, and it looks so nice in here.  I know that's random, but I'm very proud of how good my apartment looks!  Well, time for the gym.  Peace out, beeyotches!

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