The Fat Crawler Experience

Journal (January 2007)

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My Journal for January 2007

January 22, 2007
It's a new year, and time for new things.  This is the year that it should all come together, in theory, right?  I made a list of things I am working toward.  It's on the wall of my room at home, but it essentially has the car I want, the education I want, the financial situation I want, the body I want, and the man I want.  On top of that, it has a trip to Iceland (tentatively) in August, if I can manage to save that much money by then.  So I started sleeping around again like it's going out of style, then I slowed down a little.  By slowing down, it means that I have been sleeping with fewer people on more occasions, not that I've stopped.  I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't see someone about it.  I need to get tested again, as I try to every couple months.  I hate that part of who I've become.  If the me from a year ago could talk to the me now, I'd really tell myself to just stop it.  I'd explain that I'm compensating for my loneliness and my body obsession by hooking up with people I don't know so I can feel attractive and wanted.  I've lost a few more pounds, but I feel gross and bloated all the time.  I look better than ever, but I think I look nasty.  It's hard to explain.  I was talking to another friend yesterday, Alex, who is almost my weightloss twin from California.  He said he has the same problems.  He's been hooking up like crazy with other guys he doesn't know or care about, he feels like he's no longer the nice guy he once was, and he's obsessing about his "nasty" body, which looks almost amazing.  He's lost over four hundred pounds and is five pounds lighter than I am, but he still feels like that fat guy inside.  So the fact that he's going through an identical situation makes me feel that maybe it's not so wrong that I've been feeling and acting this way.  I've started making a conscious effort to try and be nicer, but it's weird.  I almost feel that by doing that, I'll be turning back into that fat person I don't want to be again.  Well, beyond that, there is a guy I hooked up with a few days ago.  He's nice and cute... all that stuff.  But we just don't click on a deeper level.  He's only nineteen and has no real life experience.  I've been very clear that I don't want anything serious with him, and he has said that he's fine with that and doesn't expect anything more.  But.  Everytime he calls me, which is a lot, or I talk to him or he is around and he looks at me, I can see and hear it.  He's at least got a big crush on me, and I don't want to lead him on.  I've been very honest and straightforward with him about where our relationship can and can't go.  But you can't make somebody not care about you without hurting them.  And I just don't want to do that.  The truth is, I could have been open to the idea of something more with him if he weren't pushing so damn hard for it.  It's hard to explain, and I'm wondering if I'm not just making up excuses and reasons for why I would turn away from something real, but the truth is that I do want it.  I know I could have Ryan as my boyfriend in two seconds, but I simply don't feel anything deep coming from our being together.  So for now I'm going to just wait it out and see what happens.  I mean, I have another date tonight with somebody else, so it's not like I'm limiting myself by any means.  Maybe I need time to just break and clear myself for a bit.  I'm not completely sure, but that may be exactly what I need.

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