Journal (April 2007)

I've got butterflies about a lot of things. Life has finally seemed to somewhat turn around, and I hope I don't jinx it by thinking and talking about it. I started working a second job at The Home Depot in the accounting office. I've only been there for a week, but the people seem nice. It's hard working two jobs again. I've also been taking guitar lessons, but I think today is going to be my last one because of a couple reasons. The first is that I really can't afford it, but the second and bigger reason is that I simply don't have time to practice. I like playing, but I love singing. I wonder if I can ever just do the one without the other, but for now that doesn't matter much. I also got a new permanent job working for the University of Vermont's operations team in this giant new building they have, which starts April 30th. I'm really excited about it. It will be a bit of a raise, but with full benefits, and when I have more time, I can get my graduate degree (and if there long enough, doctorate) for free. I also met someone over this past weekend. It's still very early and soon, but his name is J.R. He's just adorable, lives in Plattsburgh, has a job, a vehicle, and a great personality. He also told me that he's "seriously into me", so I have high hopes for it. I went over Saturday night to his place, kind of spur of the moment. We had been talking online for a couple weeks, but hadn't met yet. He said his roommate was having a party that night and if I wanted to come over, I should. I said I would love to, and started making the drive. He started texting me that he was really nervous to meet me and was giving me a couple lame excuses as to why we shouldn't meet. I told him to stop being a pussy and I would be there in half an hour! So I got there. We instantly hit it off. He wanted to fill his truck with gas, so we drove over to the reservation where gas is cheaper, but they were closed. So we took the scenic route back to town, and he was telling me the history of the area where he grew up. It was so sweet. And I kept cracking jokes, and it was just a great time. So we got back to his place, went upstairs, played music, talked, played cards (and I whooped him, of course!) drank a couple beers, started watching a movie... just normal hanging out stuff. Then people started coming over. It was a diverse mix, and things got pretty loud pretty quickly. We played beer pong, some guy played his guitar, a couple people tried to start fights randomly, but all in all, it was a great time. Around five-ish, people had either passed out somewhere, or had all left, so J.R. and I went to bed. It was so nice. We just cuddled and talked. He was pretty drunk (so much so that he couldn't remember a lot of it the next day) and was trying to get me to do stuff, but I told him I liked him too much to just hook up. He was sweet. He scrunched in really close to me and we spooned and slept like that all night. Next morning, we got up, drank coffee, and just sat and talked for hours. Finally, because it was Easter, and I needed to get back to Burlington and he had to be at a friend's house, we got ready to part. I wasn't sure how he was feeling about things beyond that night or friendship only or whatever, so I just asked him. He said, "Let me be honest. I'm really into you. I'm just not sure I want to get into a relationship right now." I said that was cool, and that I didn't have a plan or agenda, and that we should just hang out again, and he said, "Of course!" I think he really likes me, but he's just in a transition period after a really bad break-up, so anyway, it was understandable. I just didn't want to be forcing myself on him if he wasn't interested in me that way at all. So he walked me down to my car, and he said, "We have to get together again. Soon!" I mean, it was so obvious that we didn't even really want to leave, but we both had things to do that day. I said how, with my work schedule, it would be really hard, but I could hang out Wednesday if he could. Without hesitation he said, "Okay, Wednesday." We almost kissed, but it was weird. We just looked at each other for a second and smiled. The he said, "You have a dark spot in your eye." I told him how my mother hated it because it was there from the day I was born, and she had wanted me to have blue eyes like my dad. But he said, "You look good with brown eyes." I just smiled and got in my car. He ran up, went through the door, and before closing it, turned and waved with a little boy smile I hadn't seen before. It was like pure giddyness. I couldn't help but grin from my car like a dork. He closed the door, and I drove back to Burlington feeling happier than I had in a long time. Things have really started turning around for me, and I'm so happy and thankful. I mean, no, nothing is set in stone and anything's possible, but for this day and this moment, I wouldn't change how it's all going for anything. (Please don't be jinxed!!!)