The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (March 2009)
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My Journal for March 2009

March 26, 2009


Wow, so I'm just going to go with this, because with my life as it is, you know that nothing is even close to how it used to be.  I suppose some major updates are in order.  First off, I'm single again.  I know this isn't the best segway for explanation, because last I had said, I was so in love, blah, blah, blah...  Well, I'm not anymore.  We gave it a good run, but in the end, I simply couldn't take his negativity.  He may be the most negative, judgmental, insecure person I've ever met.  I don't hate him.  We're still friends and still live together, in fact.  It's a bit of a challenge a lot of times, because frankly, he can be a mega-bitch.  We accent each other nicely.  It all went down soon after the shooting.  Yeah, that's right.  Our old roommate, Stephen, was playing with his military issued guns, and accidentally shot and killed his girlfriend, Laura, in our apartment two weeks before my birthday last year.  On top of the stress of that, he was charged with murder, they took most of our electronics as "evidence", my car shit the bed, Justin broke his arm right around when his grand father died, and we were forced to move.  It was a horrific, bloody, terrible mess that no one should ever have to go through.  It's been seven months since it all happened, but honestly, it seems like it was a lifetime ago.  Also, my little brother nearly died of alcohol poisoning the night before the shooting, after having snuck out of the house to a party with a bunch of older kids, who incidentally dumped him in our driveway in an attempt to leave him for dead, before my mother caught them.  The doctor was amazed he lived.  And the saga continues with my parents' divorce.  It was finalized right around the same time after two brutal years, but the fun didn't stop there.  Even to this day, they go to court at least two or three times a month.  My father stopped talking to all of his kids, doesn't pay any child support, and cries tragedy to anyone who will listen, all because his trashy girlfriend tells him to.  She's three years older than me.  He keeps accusing my mother of breaking her abuse order and says he fears for his life.  The only abuse I've ever known in our family was how he used to beat her when they first got married, so I don't really see how he feels justified in his ludicrous accusations... but what do I know?  Ok, so that's part of why I'm actually stressed out enough to be here writing today.  I had a carpal tunnel and ulnar nerve release surgery a couple of weeks ago, and have been off work.  My insurance and Social Security worker told me that if I took the whole month off, it would restart the seven year regulation that says that if I'm employed for seven years, I'm no longer disabled.  (By the way, what kind of stupid fucking law is that?!?  Am I going to magically not need a wheelchair or braces or surgeries after seven years?!?!)  So I've been out of work a few weeks, but I'm going back on Monday.  Well my boss sent me a message saying they're only giving me less than half of my original hours because they don't want to stress me out with my hand.  What?  I could have physically gone back to work last week, no problem.  I pushed 12.5 miles in my wheelchair today!  I'm an hourly employee, and I don't get sick leave or benefits, and I haven't had a paycheck in four weeks!  Cut my hours?  You must be out of your mind!  She said we can talk about it on Monday.  *Sigh*.  So I get home from my push, and almost immediately my boss from the radio station calls.  ( I currently have three jobs.)  He says he talked with the owners of the station, and they think they pushed me into something I can't handle, and I'm not what they're looking for in a radio show on Saturday mornings, but they still want me to do remote events.  This is frustrating.  I've done everything they've said and then some.  I've gotten up at 4AM every Saturday since the beginning of January so I could go do their show.  I've bent over backwards to learn the system and be just what they want.  One of the owners, just a couple weeks ago, told me he couldn't believe the progress I've made, and that I really had a future in radio.  I mentioned this to my boss, and he said that the owner didn't want to hurt my feelings.  What?!?!  What are you talking about?  That's not what it was at all.  I don't understand what the hell is going on.  Then my mother calls right after that.  Yesterday she asked me if my 17 year old, defiant, drug dealing, drunk of a sister could move into my living room and live on my couch, and she would give me $300 a month.  Oh yeah, sure, have her move in.  No problem.  We don't need a living room!  So I obviously said no.  So Mom tried to give her custody to the state.  They refused it.  She went to the State Attorney's office because they won't let her change my sister's school or make her come home if she doesn't want to.  They said that if Mom made her leave school against her will, she'd be charged with kidnapping.  Has the whole world gone insane?  My Mom can't give up custody of Camisha, but when she tries to enforce it, they threaten Mom with kidnapping?  Am I missing something?  Oh, and the state also won't emancipate her because she's less than a year away from being eighteen anyway, so they said it's not worth the effort.  And my mother is still liable if my sister breaks the law, because that just makes so much sense right now.  On top of that, Camisha's girlfriend accused my 14 year old brother of trying to choke her to death at a school dance.  Several witnesses said it never happened and she faked the whole thing because Tyrone was trying to get Camisha to break up with her and move back home.  So they tried to get an abuse order on Tyrone, but the judge wouldn't have it because you have to have been sexually involved, apparently, to get one.  But he did say that, even with all the testimony saying the whole thing never happened, the judge said he believed it did happen.  Now Mom is all paranoid that within a few days Tyrone will be charged with some version of assault.  If that happens, it's really a shame.  He's one of the only kids left in the family, in my eyes, with any potential to get away from this shitty existence.  He's so smart, very handsome, very likeable, and has just been dumped on by my family as a matter of practice.  He's made some mistakes.  He's dealt drugs a little, which I had a hard talk with him about, recently.  He's only fourteen!  He wants to go to college and be an x-ray technician, and I think he should follow that dream.  But they don't give scholarships to black men convicted of assault, no matter what the circumstances or how crazy it seems to those who know him.  And if all that weren't enough, my new friend, Maggie, cancelled at the last second to go to karaoke with me for the second week in a row.  Last week she said she was sick.  This week, a friend "surprised" her by showing up from New York City.  I said they were, of course, welcome to come along.  Well, she messaged me back that they were homophobic fire fighters, and the karaoke is in a gay bar, and that they were lame.  At this point, they aren't the only ones.  I'm so sick of peoples' shit I could just scream or cry or something.  I'm really just so tired of it.  Justin came home tonight, and I've realized his nightly ritual.  He calls whatever friend or relative that will listen, and bitches incessantly about every aspect of his day.  The girls had too much makeup, somebody in one of his classes gave him a dirty look, someone didn't hold a door, nobody knows how to drive, he looked ugly today, etc., etc., et fucking cetera.  I'm in such a bad mood right now, and I don't like it.  Maybe I'm just really overtired.  There was a lot of good in today before the last couple hours.  I was so glad to be outside in the warm air and sun.  And I'm going to go out tonight and have a great time, if it kills me.


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