The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (August 2002)
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My Journal for August 2002

August 26, 2002
Well folks, I'm finally back from summer vacation, and that means I'm going to be writing in here a lot more.  I've just spent the last two days unpacking every possession I have.  Well, I hate to admit it, but I think Mom may have been right about my addiction to books.  I filled six shelves full to the absolute maximum yesterday.  What a job!  Mom's been complaining for years about how many books I have, and what's the worst?  This is how many I have left over after giving about three hundred to a yard sale this summer.  *Sigh*  Starting tomorrow, (*LOL*, always tomorrow) I'm going to start seriously focusing on my weight loss.  I have no idea how much I weigh now, but I must be approaching four hundred pounds.  I know that at the very least, I have to lose thirty pounds before I can have my surgery.  That is a bit disappointing, but more so because I know it's actually more than that.  Man, does my hell never end?  Honestly, why do we have to lose weight to have weight loss surgery?  Isn't that the point of the surgery?  If I could lose weight, I wouldn't need the damn thing.  Sorry, just had to get that out there.  Okay, so tomorrow I start a strict regimen of daily Richard Simmons videos.  (Hey, the one snickering in the front row!  Yeah you!  Tricky Dick Simmons may not be the coolest cucumber in the fridge, but his videos are the only ones I can do consistently without getting horribly bored, so deal with it!)  I'm not going to go on a strict diet, but I am definitely going to change what I'm eating.  It seems that all I've had for days is fast food, and I think I'll hurl if I have to down another greasy burger.  Well, I'm going let you go with that.  Thanks for reading, and see ya next time.  Oh, and if you want to see a truly inspiring person's story, go to my dear friend, Nicole's, website.  It's at:  .  She doesn't even know how inspiring she is, and her's is a real success story.  She's a great person who is super-funny.  I only hope I'm close to as good-looking as she is now, when I lose weight.  Later folks!
August 27, 2002
Woo hoo, I'm writing two days in a row, so you know I must be back at school.  I have a moonshine bottle that my brother found on the side of the road this summer that I cleaned up and put all of my spare change in.  Well, today is the release of the third Dixie Chicks album, Home, and so I delved into the jar for the money, and amazingly had enough to buy it and have a few bucks left over...and there are still tons of nickels and pennies left.  So I went and bought the album, and can I just let out a big sigh of relief?  AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!  Wow, that felt good.  I, of course, am an absolute Dixie Chicks freak, but also a serious critic of the music I listen to, but this is by far the best album by this band.  It's almost all bluegrass music, a true return to roots, and an utter joy to listen to.  It has made me cry and downright laugh out loud.  The song, Travelin' Soldier, broke my heart.  I have no real connection to the military, but I'm a true love sap, and it's about true that never got to happen.  There is also an unexpected song called White Trash Wedding that is hilarious.  I am not kidding, you must run out and buy this CD now!  Stop reading, and go and buy it, and finish reading when you get back.  Okay, now that I got that out of my system...hehehe.  I didn't stick to my plans to work out, and then I totally forgot I was supposed to be watching what I eat and overdid it at lunch once again.  I'm going to have to be more serious about this, or it's never going to happen.  *Sigh*  I hate this fight.  It's so unfair.  And I don't know what it is, but it seems to me that the more I gain, the more attractive the people around me seem.  What is this?  The past three days I've seen more attractive people than I've seen in ages.  Maybe my self-image is just about spent, and I look at just about anything as an improvement over what I am.  That's sad, but I guess it's going to be my reality for at least a while.  Well, on that less than positive note, I'll yap at y'all later.  Bye.
August 29, 2002
Hello again.  I wanted to write very badly yesterday, but I was still very upset, so I didn't.  I am currently in training for Freshman Orientation for my school, and we are supposed to be bonding, but that just doesn't seem to be happening; at least not for me.  Yesterday we were supposed to all go across town to have lunch.  There are about 65 people in the group, and we were going to carpool over.  So when we got to the parking lot (me being the first one there), I offered to several people to ride with me.  Not one person took me up on my offer.  I looked over to another car, and they were trying to cram seven people into one car, and some people were getting angry, and so I offered the four empty seats in my car.  They said no, and that they would just all get in this car, but thanks anyway.  Needless to say, I wasn't feeling my best.  When we arrived at this place, there were bagged lunches prepared.  I was the last person to grab one because I couldn't exactly jump in there, and I ended up with a humus (sp?) sandwich.  For those of you like me, humus is a tangy mush that is a bit thicker than mustard, but has a similar taste.  It was gross.  To add to the horror of that day, the night before we had to go to this party where every one got handcuffed to their partner for two hours and had to try and drink as much beer as they could.  First of all, I hate beer.  I'm not a big drinker in any sort of manner, but I hate beer.  I drank two cans very forcedly during the whole night.  There were about eighty people at this party, crammed into a tiny livingroom, which meant that I couldn't move around and mingle at all.  So of course I sat in the corner like I would always do at such a function, except I had this girl handcuffed to me, and obviously not too happy about it.  She's my partner for this shindig, and since that night she has purposefully been avoiding me and only speaking to me when she's forced to.  I don't know what happened, but when I did this same thing two years ago, it was much more fun and I felt a lot more included.  I also looked, on purpose, to see how many other overweight people are in the group, and there are none.  Not a single one.  And to add to that, most of them are very, very good-looking people.  It's very intimidating, and I'm not letting myself have a very good time because of it.  There is another party starting in half an hour, but I'm pretty sure I won't go.  I'll just sit in my room and work on finishing The Lord of the Rings (the book, not the horrible movie).  Well, now that I've gotten all the depressive, "please feel sorry for me" crap out of my system, maybe I can get on with my life.  Later folks.

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