The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (September 2002)
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My Journal for September 2002

September 6, 2002
Well, let's see here.  I finally did the inevitable deleting of an entry.  It was bound to happen.  It happens to every one sooner or later.  Today I finally got the Internet hooked up in my room.  I don't think I'm ever going to lose weight.  I have no idea if I have or not.  I have to do it.  Ugh...  Actually, I suppose I could have lost some, as I have to push about five miles a day because of where I am on campus.  The extra exercise alone should account for somthing.  Well, yesterday I told of a girl that said she thought I was really cute.  I was watching the door of the Freshman Orientation Dance, and she said "I just think you are so cute."  She then kissed her two fingers and put them on my cheek, then on my lips.  *LOL*  I didn't even ask her name, I was so in shock.  I asked her if she was drunk, and she said she hadn't had anything to drink all night, and then smiled and walked off.  I was so in shock.  I don't even remember what she looked like.  Man, that was crazy.  I also keep forgetting to put up some of my newer pictures.  I have some from Mexico, and I think there are a couple from after I came back.  I haven't had the surgery yet, obviously, but I figure it doesn't really hurt to have more pictures.  I also have my new classes, which I love.  I've been doing all of my work, for once, long before it's actually due, and I haven't skipped a single class.  I'm so proud of myself!  Tomorrow my brother's coming from his college to spend the night here, and another friend name Bethany, and we're all going to have a "slumber party".  We're going to watch movies and fall asleep.  Then on Sunday Thomas (my brother) and I are going home for dinner.  That should be nice.  I suppose that's all the excitement for now.  Keep it real, folks.
September 15, 2002
This can't be my life.  Every day seems to get just a little bit lonlier.  I don't know what has been going on lately, but I feel a strong, strong need for some sort of companionship.  Recently it seems I have never been busier, never surrounded by more people, and yet never so alone.  In every person's life, there are certain soul companions.  Friends, relatives, mates, children, and so on.  I can honestly say that I have a lot of these people in my life, but they are all far away.  I probably have more than most.  Where are they?  Mom, Cara, Natalie, Thomas, Camisha, Nicole, Bethany, Steve...  I love all of these people with all of my heart, but they are all another world away from me.  I know they love me, all at different levels and in very different ways, but I have no one to share my life with.  There is no one to hear how my day went.  There is no one with whom I can laugh at life's little quirks.  I used to think that I didn't need someone for these things.  There was a time when I thought I was my own best companion, but lately I've been letting myself down.  I'm tired of the empty, almost lack of emotion, that fills my day and night.  I'm not looking for the perfect relationship, possibly not even a relationship.  I just want to have somebody around who lights up when I come in the room.  I want someone on whom I can focus my heart.  Maybe it's a little bit of a cliche, but I don't care.  I want someone who is similar to me, but brings an element of individuality with them as well.  Where is the girl that would look at the stars with me for hours, and not get tired of it?  Where's the friend that can have a great conversation, then come back the next day and have another?  I've actually found these people.  They are all listed above.  But they are lifetimes away.  I feel so old lately.  My life is passing me by, and there is nothing I can do to grasp onto it.  I've joined the Latino club, though I'm not Latino; I'm planning an event at my school, I'm studying three languages currently, I'm in two singing groups, I'll be starting my own weekly radio show in another week, and my life has no fulfillment.  When I was younger, I used to think that when one turned eighteen, he would suddenly gain focus and knowledge.  I believed that I would naturally thin out as some of my cousins did.  I thought life would get easier, not more difficult.  I have been horribly disappointed.  I suppose that should teach me not to have expectations, but it hasn't.  I expect certain things to come in the near future, and they are slowly being crushed one by one.  I may not get my surgery after all.  Right now things are up in the air concerning the whole matter.  The way my hospital described it, they periodically worked with my insurance company, but now I have found out that this is not entirely true.  Other, formerly unsupportive, family members have come forward offering to help with the cost should my insurance not approve it, but I'm not sure I would want to accept such offers.  As of a few days ago, I am only thirtieth on the list to get the operation, so it may come sooner than I am ready for it, if insurance does approve it.  I may have to drop out of school for the semester to get it done, and I hadn't wanted to do that.  These may be acceptions that I'll have to agree to whether I like it or not.  There is a possibility that I'll have to look to other states for cheaper rates if insurance isn't approved, which means starting the whole damn process over again.  There is a lot to think about, and these are just the sort of things I wish I had someone to share with.  It's a lot for one person to take.  Other's are involved and have listened to me a lot, but no one is sharing the experience with me.  That's where I'm lacking.  I suppose I should be used to having bad times by now, but I feel as if I've suffered great injustice.  Every one probably goes through this at some point.  It's just that I find myself myself...asking "When is it my turn?  I've been through enough, and I deserve for it to be easy for once in my life!"  But it's not.  Life goes on, and I still hate the face I see in the mirror.  I often imagine that I might be able to open up my chest and let out the being that's trapped inside it.  I know that's where my true self really lies.  If I could do that, and show it to other people, it would be as if I were saying "No, no, no, you were mistaken when you saw me the first time.  That was just my body.  This is me.  It's okay, you didn't know, but I just wanted to set the record straight."  I don't even know if I'm making sense anymore, but that's how I've been feeling.  Take care.
September 23, 2002
Hmm, been a little while since I last updated, so I guess it's time.  My last entry was a bit of a downer, I suppose.  Sorry about that.  But I suppose it's true to how I was feeling at the time, and it's really nice what some people emailed me and signed in my Guestbook.  Thank you, guys.  It really does mean a lot to me when you take time out.  Okay, so, where to go?  The insurance thing has pretty much been cleared up, which is great!  I guess our Senator called to ask about my specific program and he called my insurance.  He told my mom that everything was taken care of, and that I don't have to worry about my approval or anything.  That is such a relief.  In more news, Cara is coming on October 30th!  I am so psyched.  We are going to hang out in Boston for a couple of days, then drive up to Vermont, I think.  Time to start saving the bucks!  I'm still on a crusade to make the Dean's List here at school.  It's not an easy road, but at least I'm trying.  I've started looking at graduate school, possibly UCLA if my grades are good enough.  There's just a lot to do when planning is involved.  On Saturday night, my brother and his girlfriend came down to visit and stay the night.  They got in a fight.  Then the next morning, my parents came and argued with my brother a little about how much they all hate each other.  Then Mom and Dad got in a big fight over some shoes my dad bought.  They had orange in them, and my mom hated them.  *Sigh*  It was an exhausting two days.  But Mom is coming down again next weekend, so it shouldn't be too bad.  They only argue when they're together.  *LOL*  Well, I just took a test, which wasn't bad.  I think I did well, so I'm pretty happy with that.  Tonight I have to do laundry because I could swear that last night the pile started talking to me.  *LOL*  Well, here's to another fabulous day in the life of me.  Bye!

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