The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (January 2003)
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My Journal for January 2003

January 13, 2003
Well, well, well...  I finally have returned!  New presents, new year, and hopefully, new me!  I'm finally buckling down on the weight loss.  I have to lose this fifteen pounds if it kills me...which it probably will.  I got up at 6:30 this morning so I could do a workout video (Richard Simmons...Go Dicky!)  I was so close to just resetting the alarm and going back to sleep, but I said to myself "Self, if you ever plan to lose weight and live a halfway normal life, you have to get your lazy ass in gear and do a few things you don't feel like doing."  So I did.  Surprisingly, it wasn't that bad, after I decided not to fight it, that is.  Today is the first day of classes, and it is going to be a hell of a semester.  I have to take 22 credits in order to graduate on time, as I can't be taking classes this summer because of the operation.  I also finally saw a friend from the Dominican Republic, Gipsy, who I haven't seen in a year and a half.  We were always studying abroad when the other one was here in the states.  Tomorrow night I am going out with her and her family.  It should be a time to remember.  I've also been working on getting caught up on my emails.  I have to get my radio show going again next week, and start working on my thesis.  Oh what fun!  At least I have plenty of stuff to keep my mind off of food, at least for the moment.  I think television is going to disappear from my life, as well.  I haven't even gotten any assignments yet, but I can just feel the load coming.  I've also found new inspiration to lose weight.  It may sound stupid, but for some reason, when I imagine that it's almost spring, I feel like doing more.  I think of the beach and all the chiseled and gorgeous bodies, and suddenly working out and not eating the cheese doesn't seem so bad.  I know I won't be beautiful by summer, but it's nice to imagine.  Folks!  All I have to do is lose fifteen pounds, for crying out loud!  I've already lost hundreds of pounds over my life, but I think this is the hardest fifteen to come off.  Whatever works!  I also think about Natalie and how badly I want to see her again, but I don't want her to see me until I've lost a substantial amount of weight.  I know that the weight will come off when I have surgery, but I figure for every pound I lose before surgery is that much less time I have to wait before I see her again because I won't have to lose it afterward.  It also has become evident that the surgery works better the less you weigh before you have it.  Tell me you haven't thought the same thing.  I've also taken the liberty of putting up some new pics of me (one on the main page and one on the top of the pre-op pics).  I also have to get a C-PAP machine because those people never called me like they said they would, what a surprise!  I also switched doctors for the psych evaluation because I didn't want to wait forever.  They also seem more knowledgeable and willing than the guy from my school about the whole process.  Just two hours and I can get it over with.  The Nurse Practitioner told me if I do those three things (weight, C-PAP, psych eval), that she "promised" me that I could get an appointment with the surgeon.  I made sure she said "promise" and had her repeat it back to me so that they can't just push me around anymore.  I have to take more control of the situation myself or it's never going to happen.  In fact, I'm going to call the C-PAP people myself (instead of my mother) tomorrow, and get that taken care of.  Well, keep the faith my peeps!  'Til next time!
January 16, 2003
I'm sick of reading, so why not write for a while?  My brother and his girlfriend are here, and I'm playing a sad song over and over again for some reason.  I'm not even in a bad mood, just felt like listening to it.  So anyway, I've been reading like crazy because of all of the work.  I haven't even really watched any television in days, and usually I'm addicted to the stuff.  I just can't justify the boob tube when there's a load of work to be done.  So it's just another day in paradise.  One of my friends from the Dominican Republic came back from studying abroad in England.  It's funny, because we're kind of flirty, but I don't think it's going anywhere.  We just kid around.  I have my psych evaluation coming up on next Thursday, so I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.  I also have to crack down on the weight loss and get that damn CPAP machine.  I had really big words in my last entry with very little action.  There is just so much damn homework that I seriously don't have a free minute.  In theory, I shouldn't even be taking time out to write this entry, but I just had to take a break from reading, of which I am going to return in just a couple of minutes.  Well, I guess that's just about all of the excitement I can stand for one night.  Toodles!
January 20, 2003
Man, this month is just getting away from me.  Okay, something has really pissed me off.  Once again, that same old reliable talk show host (the African American woman with the big mouth...not to name any names *LOL*) has called this surgery the "easy way out".  Okay, she of all people should shut her fat rolled face because she knows how hard it is.  She thinks that just because she's richer than everybody else and that she's fluctuated in weight, that she has the right to decide which is the best way for every one else to lose.  Somebody should remind her that she's not exactly all that thin, so she can just cram it.  It is especially insulting because she is talking about something that she knows nothing about.  She even had Carnie Wilson on her show, and didn't even really allude to the fact that she only lost weight after her surgery.  It was mentioned, but not elaborated.  This is so frustrating.  Not only is she giving false hopes (for like the millionth time) to many people to once again start the dieting cycle again, but she's insulting every person who has made the tough decision to go through with it.  If it's such an easy way out, why doesn't she do it herself?  What is so easy about being shunned by people who don't agree with your decision and what is so easy about being cut wide open and risking your life in the process!?!?!?!?  Well, I think I've vented this enough for one day.  Keep up the good fight, and please tell me I'm not alone in this mindset!  (Boy, ignorant people drive me nuts!)
January 23, 2003
Okay, so much has happened today in the way of progress. First, I went to my psychiatric evaluation.  He asked me a bunch of questions about medical history, psychological history (including family history), and a bunch of historical questions to test my memory.  I was so surprised at how short the meeting was and he told me that if I had had any "red flags", then he could keep me there all day taking test, but I'm obviously "very intelligent" and more than emotionally stable and able to deal with severe stress.  The Nurse Practitioner from the hospital told me that she thought I would "benefit from long-term psychiatric assistance" (mostly due to the argument that ensued between her and my mother, I think).  Well, because of what she said I asked the doctor if I should set up some kind of follow-up appointments, but he told me that I obviously didn't need them and that if I ever felt I needed some kind of support, I could always call his office and set something up, but he told me that he though I would be just fine dealing with any problems by myself.  So I guess I'm not as insane as the NP may have wanted to me me out to be.  On top of that I went to Weight Watchers tonight to try and crack down and lose that fifteen pounds so I could get on with this damn surgery.  It took them five times to try and weigh me, but when it was all said and done, I had lost nineteen pounds!  That's right, nineteen!  That means I qualify for surgery without forcing myself to diet.  I still plan to keep going with my weight loss, but at least now there isn't a ton of pressure on me.  The ONLY thing I haven't done now is get the CPAP machine because my insurance is taking forever to approve it, but it is Medicaid, so there is no way to rush them along at all.  I'm hoping when I call tomorrow morning that they will give me my appointment to see the surgeon without it if I promise to keep trying.  I mean, I've done absolutely everything I can to get it.  Well, only tomorrow will tell.  Pray for me!!!  It's finally happening after months and months (even years) of frustration with the process!  The day I see the surgeon is the day I get my surgery date and I will feel so much better knowing I have something concrete.
January 26, 2003
Okay, who wants to talk about procrastination?  First of all, I have a paper that was due on Friday that I haven't even started yet.  Second, I have another paper due tomorrow that I also haven't started yet.  But what is your faithful hero doing?  Reading someone else's web page.  (I will put a link up when I have permission.)  It is such a good page, though, and I just couldn't turn it off.  I spent like eight or nine hours reading it, no foolin'!  I have a great quote from her, also.  It says "Fat is just fat, I'm coming to find out.  If I want other things in my life to change, I'm going to have to work on them, it's not going to magically happen just because I'm wearing smaller clothes."  I think that is something I need to keep in mind.  She talked about how she expected things to somehow magically get better because she was thinner, and how that just wasn't the case.  I've thought the same way, I suppose.  I've believed that I will miraculously feel more self-confident, and be apt to pursue the things I want because I will have a smaller body, but that's just not the case.  Deciding where my life is going won't be any easier because I will be able to where a size 36 (men's), and my bills won't be able to pay themselves just because children have stopped whispering behind my back.  Just thoughts to ponder.  Well, it is so cold still, and my only solace comes in the fact that it's almost February.  Now that may be the coldest and snowiest month of all here in good ol' Vermont, but February is followed by March.  Now March also has its bitter and relentless side, but we may get a couple of days that will be around freezing at least, but of course there is no guarantee.  But at least it clears the way for April.  Now we all know that it can still snow up to two or three feet in April, but we also know that it will be in the severe melting phase and a good opener to summer.  For those of you who don't live in this frigid wasteland from which I hail, you ought to be down on your knees, thanking your lucky stars (if only for the ability to see them, if for nothing else).  It is so gray here.  Some days I feel like I'm in a coloring book that's never been touched.  So much potential, so little life.  Have you ever noticed that the only people who talk about how pretty and beautiful Vermont is, don't live here? They come for two or three days in the autumn, or for a short weekend of skiing, then write letters and articles about the untouched beauty.  Ugh!  I wish somebody would touch it!  The most exciting thing to do around here is clean my room, and guess how many days I've been telling myself I'm going to do that!  Okay, okay.....enough ranting and self-pity.  We both know that won't make the day any brighter...or warmer.  (Boo hoo hoo, poor me.)  Man, I even get sick of hearing myself complain so much.  Anyhoo, Cara's life is once again making mine look just that much more dismal.  She writes me about all of the exciting changes going on in her life, all of the hope she has, the bright future to look forward to.  A couple of days ago, I was talking to my mother, and she suggested that I get a job at immigration and live with her "for two years; just long enough to pay off your loans, then you can do whatever you want".  Has she lost it?  Perhaps she forgets that I get completely restless if I don't move around a lot, especially in the asshole of the world that is Newport, Vermont.  Even the tin cans are too rusty to shoot off of fence posts anymore in that crumbling pile of boredom.  (Whine, whine, whine!  Is that all I ever do?)  Well, needless to say, I have to start thinking about getting a job.  I wouldn't mind working for immigration or the INS or something along those lines, but definitely not in this state.  I'd rather be punched in the face a hundred times than have to settle for that!  (Any takers?!?!?)  I also ordered Chinese food, yesterday, that I can't even begin to afford, but I was so hungry and the cafateria wasn't open by the time I pulled my lazy ass out of bed.  I tried to heat up the leftovers for lunch today.  Big mistake.  The chicken wing wasn't so bad, but the egg rolls weren't that good to begin with.  I took one bite and almost hurled.  There were also these things that I thought were chicken, but they tasted funny.  Upon further inspection, they were shrimp.  (*Second gagging session ensues*)  So I just downed some water and opted to wait until dinner when I will make the ever-popular "plain spaghetti with no meat or cheese" that has become so infamous to my loins.  Oh, the excitement!  Well, I suppose I had better actually clean my room because I'll never be able to write a paper with a messy room.  Sounds like an episode of Family Ties!  I'm such a winner!
January 27, 2003
So here I find myself once again.  It's another fabulous day in the exciting life of me, me, me!  I actually cleaned my room last night; a valiant effort on my part if I do say so myself...and I do.  I also took a shower and wrote a five page paper in less than an hour.  I'm so proud of myself.  But alas!  The saga continued.  I also made the spaghetti I said I would make.  Man, I was on a role!  Then I woke up with plenty of time this morning to call the Nurse Practitioner before class.  After two calls, they told me that she wasn't coming in today.  So I head off to class with quite a jolly attitude, only to get outside and find that it had snowed and the campus snow removal crew had not been around at all.  So the battle ensued.  Picture me, two bags of garbage in my mouth, a pizza box behind me, and my frail, tiny body (yeah, right!), trudging through the snow inch by miserable inch.  It had to be all of negative twenty degrees this morning, so needless to say, I was cold.  On top of that, I came to a fork where I had to choose between a very long path without as much snow and a closer dumpster, or a much shorter path that had a lot of snow and the dumpster was very far.  Being the explorer that I am, I chose the road most often taken.  (You thought I was going to say the road less taken, didn't you!  Hahahaha, fools!)  Yeah, so it took me over forty minutes to get to class this morning, because no one would stop to help me until I was almost at my destination.  I got to class late after having printed off my paper from the night before.  My hands still hurt from the cold and the gripping of my wheels, and it's been over two hours since this all occurred.  Then I suffered through another class of Ethics...boooooooring.  This guy is really nice, but he yells ALL of the time, and he also doesn't swallow, so the spit builds up in his mouth and gets stuck to his lips when he talks, until spittle starts flying everywhere.  Hmmm, very inkterestink!  Yeah, so anyway, I still haven't even started on the topic I wanted to cover today.  Toilets.  (*READERS BEWARE!!!*)  This is a matter that is very important to me.  It all started with the expanding of my thighs.  When I first started to really get big, I would always pinch my legs between the base and the seat.  Over time, I learned to deal with this because the bruises and pain were just getting to be too much.  So then came the very intricate method of backing up to the toilet with ease.  The only thing I can think of is how some trained pigs back up to toilets to use them.  A gross concept, but useful nonetheless in my description.  But now it seems that I have outgrown almost any toilets available.  The first is the one in my room.  Within two days, the bolts that attach the base to the floor were completely stripped, and now it's a balancing act not to be missed.  It's a daily struggle not to tip the damn thing over.  It's also too close to the wall, so I have to sit kind of sideways on it.  I have also had a long history of breaking the toilet seats in my parents' house.  It's not bad enough that my mother doesn't want me to sit on anything other than my "designated chair", but I also have the embarrasment of not only breaking the little tabs that are under the seat, but also of several occasions where I leaned too much on it and ripped the damn thing right off.  (I may be giggling about it now, but at the time it was a very serious situation...very serious.)  On top of that, I have forever banned myself from using the bathroom on the bottom floor of one of the buildings where I have classes.  The last two times I tried it out for size, the damn thing started to come off of the wall.  It's one of the ones that is bolted right into the wall with no ground support.  When I sit on it now, it sounds as if either the brick wall is being ripped out or the porcelain is crumbling away beneath my girth.  Finally, while visiting my brother about a month ago, I get the urge for potty usage.  As I lay my gentle buttocks upon the throne, what should happen?  Why the base of the toilet went right through the floor, of course.  Not only was the dammage there, but I also got the added bonus of being completely splashed with the dirty toilet water all over my backside and pants.  Oh frivolous day!  It turns out that the floor had rotted out due to moisture from the shower, but why was I to be the one to make the cookie crumble?  I'm sure my fat ass had nothing to do with it.  It was entirely the moisture from the shower.  (Oh yeah, I'm the Prince of Wales, too.)  So concludes my escapades in Toilet Land.  I hope you've enjoyed the ride.  Please exit to your right.
January 28, 2003
Well, well, well!  Guess who finally got somewhere.  That's right, it's me!  I finally talked to the NP today and she told me that somebody fromt he psychiatrist's office had called and said they would write the recommendation, but hadn't left their name or any contact information, so I have to get them to call again.  (She is just being a bitch about it, but whatevaaaaa!)  However, she told me that after they call her again that I can meet my surgeon within a month and that if I weren't in school I would be having my surgery by the begining of March at the latest, but as soon as two weeks after the surgeon visit.  But since I'm in school I have to wait until May, which I am fine with.  That's what I've been expecting for awhile now, so it's not a problem.  She also told me that she called the CPAP people and even though they're not sure how long it will take (they had said three days... suuuure!), she is still going to give me a date.  So tomorrow morning I will be calling for an appointment after I call the psychiatrist's office.  I also have the name of my surgeon!  Dr. Kisbert... Kispert... Kisburt... Kispurt... Kispirt.  You get the idea.  Yeah, so I was totally ecstatic about all that.  It's finally coming true!  However, Mom is coming down on Thursday night to stay and take me to a Weight Watchers meeting.  now don't get me wrong.  I am thrilled that my mother is coming.  I just doin't want to go to the meeting.  I don't know if I've lost or gained or anything.  I guess I'm most nervous that maybe I'll get there and they will tell me that last week's weight was wrong and that I hadn't actually lost that much.  I don't know, but I guess that will just have to be that much more incentive to try and lose weight.  I want to lose as much as possible before I have surgery because to me it seems like the less you weigh before going in, the better you turn out in the end.  (I sound like I'm baking bread!)  So that's the news for the day.  It's only a matter of time until I look like Brad Pitt, now.  Just kidding!  (Man, tough crowd...)
January 29, 2003
This afternoon I will get my date.  The secretary from the office told me to call back later this afternoon (or possibly tomorrow morning) and I will have a date.  It's only a matter of time now.  Exciting?  That's an understatement.  Am I scared?  Not really.  I've had surgery plenty of times already, so that doesn't really bother me.  It also is really giving me an incentive to lose weight, because I know now that every pound I lose will never come back (at least I hope it doesn't).  Okay, I don't want to be repetitive, so on to bigger and better things.  Last night's presidential speech was less than appealing to me.  I'm not one much for politics, but I'm not a huge Bush fan.  (Frankly, the man aggravates me.)  He just has too many international issues to deal with, and he just doesn't have the background for it. I changed the channel shortly thereafter to one of my new favorite shows, The Osbournes.  I could seriously watch that show all day long.  They are all just so entertaining, especially the parents.  They remind me of my own, in a very twisted sort of way.  But putting their weirdness aside, they are a loving family with pretty solid values.  They just swear a lot, but hey, even I'm not perfect (though very close...Ha!).  So to backtrack just a little bit, it's looks like my surgery will be on or around the day after Mother's Day (my graduation day).  Mom wants me to do it the day after I graduate, but I don't know if I want to take some time off between school and the surgery (just a week or so) to wind down and all.  Plus, on the very off chance that something bad did happen, I'd like to spend some time with my family before I bite the proverbial bullet.  I think Mom just wants to get the stress of it all over with, and that's not such a bad position to take, but I'd still prefer to wait a few days, at least.  I've also been doing my best to stick to some sort of diet, but I'm not really sure how I'm doing.  I don't have a set plan, though I am officially in Weight Watchers, but I've just been trying to eat less.  (My initial weekness of Chinese food that was aforementioned should now be ignored.)  Since last weekend, I haven't really cheated at all.  Perhaps just a little Ben & Jerry's here and there, but nothing stomach-boggling.  I also haven't heard from Natalie in over a month.  (Maybe I should take the hint.)  But I know how busy she can get, and being as I'm so damn twitter-pated, I don't want to hold anything against her.  Cara's updates have also been sporadic, but she's in the process of finishing her thesis and moving between Mexico and the United States, so I can't really hold it against her either.  Oh, we over-dramatics have such busy lives these days!

January 31, 2003


I am a little ashamed to admit what's coming, but here goes.  Either the scale at Weight Watchers was wrong last week, or I gained twenty pounds in the last seven days.  I weighed on two different scales three different times, and they both read 402.6 pounds.  So needless to say, I was pretty bummed.  But I'm also worried about if the people at the hospital found out.  I mean, I didn't do it intentionally, and for all I know, I could have gained that much.  The woman who weighed me said that she thinks I might be retaining water because of my salt intake, but I don't buy it.  All I know is that today I've started sticking very strictly to the Weight Watchers program.  All I can do is go from here, right?  Pissing and moaning won't get me anywhere.  On to better news!  I finally got my appointment to meet the surgeon.  I have to be there at 3:30PM on February 25th.  I'm just glad not to have to worry about it anymore.  I also had a rough night of sleep last night.  First, Mom turned the heat up to about eighty degrees because she said she was cold, but she kept waking me up because I was snoring.  She even woke me up once for not making noise.  She told me I was holding my breath.  Sheesh, who cares!  So here I am, skipping the class where the professor projectile spits.  (It's a lame ending, but I'm just not feeling it today.)



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