The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (March 2003)
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My Journal for March 2003

March 3, 2003
It is simply amazing to me how easily I can find things to procrastinate about.  I just finished a nine day vacation, and I managed to accomplish almost nothing worthwhile.  Now, I did go to the appointment with my surgeon, of which I will speak in just a moment, but I spent most of my time talking to people on the Internet and...well, I guess that's about it.  I've developed a great relationship with a now, very dear friend, Aimee.  She's awesome, and we can talk for hours about nothing.  It's great!!!  [Of course, that souther drawl is just so alluring ;-) ]  Okay, so here is the scoop.  I had my appointment to meet the surgeon last Tuesday, and to talk about any questions I may have.  Mom and I arrived about two hours too early, and ended up just blowing time in shops in the hospital, and about an hour and a half in the waiting room.  I was goofing around when Mom asked me to hang this plastic bag on the coat rack (imitating Igor of Frankenstein nostalgia, quite loudly, no less) and this woman looked over to me and smiled and said "I know why you're here.  You're going to be gorgeous when it's all done, and so happy."  I just smiled, and my mom asked her if she had had it done and how much she had lost.  I don't remember what she said, but I remember thinking that it had been a lot considering that she hadn't even reached the one year mark yet.  There were also two men there filming a documentary about the surgery, apparently following one of the men's story.  (I gathered this from the eaves-dropping I did *choke* and from the shape of his body, that it was quite clear that he had lost a lot of weight recently.)  Eventually we got called into the section where you weigh before seeing the doctor.  I was terrified to get on the scales, and had hoped they wouldn't make me weigh in again, but alas, the lady had me lumber onto the scale.  It seemed to take forever for her to work the scale, and we all know I can't stand for more than a few seconds, so finally she unassuredly told me that I weighed 406 pounds.  She then showed us into the room where the surgeon would be seeing us.  The NP happened to pass by, and she just asked how I had been, and kept going.  After a short wait, the doctor came in.  He went over the same information that we had had to go over at the three mandatory group meetings, with the NP, and the Dietician.  I mentioned that we had already heard this stuff on several occasions, and he said that he just wanted to be sure that I knew all of the benefits and risks of this surgery.  *Sigh* we went over it all again.  I asked a couple of questions I pretty much knew the answer to, and asked when I could get my surgery date.  He said that his secretary would set me up with an appointment before I left.  He also listened to my breathing and asked if I absolutely had to wear the C-PAP machine, and he told me that they highly recommend that I do, but that they had no way to force me.  He seemed like a nice man, but he had a very solemn attitude.  He didn't even crack a smile once, even when he made a joke.  After I was done meeting him, my mom and I went over to the secretary's office.  Her name is Michelle, and she was so nice.  I have to say that she was the first genuinely nice person that we had met since starting this whole thing.  She was also overweight, what a surprise.  Maybe we were just more comfortable with her, but it just seems sometimes that fat people are nicer in general.  Now a long time before, I had called the hospital and asked for the gastric bypass department.  The woman on the phone had said that it wasn't open, but that she had had it done and was so happy about it.  I stupidly asked her if she was this woman.  But she was really nice about it and said that she preferred to stay pleasantly plump.  I told her that it was a relief to hear somebody say that because so many people only have the surgery for cosmetic reasons and not only for health reasons.  (I thought she was cute, too, hehe.)  We talked about that stuff for a little while, and it was obvious that working in the gastric bypass department, that she must get asked that question all of the time.  I'm such an idiot!  So anyway, I set up a surgery date for May 19th, which is one day after what I wanted, so that's good.  I also have a pre-admission testing date of May 2nd.  They gave me a bunch of info I already had two copies of, also, and a couple of pamphlets that I didn't have.  I suppose I'm glad that they're over-informative instead of under-informative, but they must think we're idiots sometimes, and that we don't know this crap.  I suppose not every one knows all about it before they go, but after they've told us the same thing at five different meetings, I don't think I needed to hear it again at the sixth.  And by the way, the weight gain I had been so nervous about never even came up.  He didn't even blink an eye.  I asked him if there was anything I should do between now and surgery, and he said just try to lose as much weight as I can because every pound I lose will make the surgery that much easier.  Good advice, I guess, but I knew the answer before I finished asking the question.  I don't want to be negative about this meeting, but the only thing I did that I hadn't done before was shake his hand and get a date for surgery.  I think this could have been done months ago...probably with a five minute phone call.  Whatever.  It's just one less thing I have to do now.  It seems like the only thing left to do is wait for the inevitable May 19th.  It seems like years from now, but I have more than enough work to keep me busy until then.  (My stalker also hasn't reared its ugly head for a while now, so it should be okay to put some old posts back up, but I still have to think about it.)  Maybe I should count out the days until lift-off...wouldn't that be productive?  Long live Calvin and Hobbes (a little random, I know).
March 8, 2003
It's Saturday!!!  I've finally started getting things accomplished.  Well, this morning I got up early to go wedding shopping with my cousin, did a little grocery shopping, and just did a spring cleaning of sorts.  I went through all of my clothes because there were too many in my closet, and I packed away all of the ones that were too small.  Sadly, that was about half of my wardrobe, but I never wore any of them anyway.  I just liked to think I had a lot of clothes, but I suppose I'll be bringing them back out soon enough.  I am so ready for surgery.  People keep asking me if I'm nervous, and I have to admit, quite a while back, I thought I would be terrified when the time rolled around, but now I'm finding that's not the case.  I'm actually truly looking forward to it.  I just keep thinking about all of the things I'll soon be able to do again, like ride a bike and walk...feel comfortable in social situations.  I could just bust thinking about it!  I've also been going through this weird period, and I don't know if it's just psychological, or what.  I don't want to eat at all lately.  I still do, but only when I have heartburn or when I'm bored.  I keep forgetting to eat, and have to conscientiously remind myself.  I also wonder if it's not in anticipation of spring.  Today it was almost forty degrees, so it just felt like spring for a change.  I don't think I ever got the winter blahs before I went to Mexico, but I've had them something aweful this year.  I just can't wait to lie down under a tree and read a book, but I suppose I should probably wait for the snow to melt before I do that, *LOL*.  I had also been having nightmares for about two weeks, and after talking to a few people and doing some online research, I think it was stress related.  For about those two weeks, everything just seemed to be piling up on me, but since the past two days, I just feel like I have more of a handle on things.  I wasn't sleeping very well, and was just feeling down a lot.  It seemed like I just wanted to cry every day, and I couldn't explain it, but now I feel fine.  Actually, better than fine.  I feel great and full of energy, for some reason.  I do have some less happy news, however.  My double chin is really starting to bother me.  I've recently gained a lot of weight, probably because of waiting for surgery and just not watching what I eat at all.  But if things keep going this way, I'm going to gain another fifty pounds before I even get the damned thing, and I surely don't want that.  I'm going to start putting a more conscious effort into my activity.  I'll have to start pushing the old water, too.  I would just love to lose twenty or thirty pounds before my surgery, but I don't know if that's going to happen.  I suppose it won't if I keep being so damn negative, now will it!  But the moral of the story is I can't stand my face anymore.  It just makes my head look so round.  I'm wondering if I should admit defeat as far as my hair goes, too.  Cara told me a long time ago that long hair on fat people makes them look fatter, but I don't know if that's true.  I've never had hair this long, so I'm learning a lot about it.  For one thing, it pokes me in the eyes all the time.  I also now get terrible acne on my forehead.  But the worst part would have to be sleeping.  It covers my face and just drives me nuts when I'm trying to fall asleep.  It also never ever looks the way I want it to because it's so damn curly.  When it's wet, it hangs down, but as soon as it dries, it's like levened bread.  It swells until it looks like I haven't washed it in a week.  *Sigh*  What's a guy to do?  I don't really have any money to get it cut, anyway, so I should just stop pissing and moaning about it!  I wanted it this way in the first place!  Okay, onto bigger and better things.  You, right now, are reading the words of the First Place Finalist in the First Annual Vermont State Kareoke Championship!  That's right, I rocked the house the other night.  I tied for first with some guy that didn't even sing all the words, but the judges were pretty drunk by the time it got to his turn.  I'll have to keep that in mind when I go back for the final round in three weeks.  There are three judges for three different categories.  A skinny guy that judges accuracy, a fat guy that judges vocal ability, and a skinny blond bitch that judges image.  (Oops, did I write that out loud?)  The two guys were more than fair, but when she judged me, she gave me a low score just because I was fat.  I know it because every fat person got a low score, and every skinny person got a high score...unless they were terrible.  In fact, she gave me the same image score as this old guy with a beer belly, a missing tooth, and a broken neck that made it so he couldn't turn his head at all.  And the song sucked!  All he did was scream into the microphone, but she was getting pretty wasted by this point.  Oh, blond prisses just piss me off sometimes!  But anyway, because of my other two scores, I tied for first, so wish me luck!  Okay, well I had better do some other constructive stuff while I still have all of this energy.  Later.
March 9, 2003
Anna Nicole is on her way!  Woo hoo!  I love that show.  Okay, she may not be the brightest light on the Christmas tree, but she is a super-cute girl not afraid to flaunt it just because she's fat.  Good for her!  And she's oh-so-funny, too!  Okay, she's on, so I'm going to write during commercials, *LOL*.  Well, stupid me went and left the window open all day yesterday because it was so "warm", so now my allergies have started with a vengeance.  I've been achy, stuffy, and just blah all day.  This morning I did some walking in an effort to start building my body up for surgery and getting a jump on my walking for after surgery.  After I had started, I was actually surprised at how much I could do.  I had the radio playing, and you should've seen me.  I was a dancing fool all over this bedroom!  Okay, maybe not that great of a dancing fool, but keep in mind, I didn't think I would be able to even walk across the room and back more than once.  After warming up, I was shaking my tushy across the room and back three times before I would take a rest!  Tell me I don't have spunk now!  After a half hour or so of that nonsense, I took a shower, ate lunch, wasted time on the computer, took a nap, and just procrastinated away the rest of the day.  But I have honestly not been myself today because of the allergies.  I'm going to miss my morning classes tomorrow because I'm pretty well caught up for them, but I'll go to my afternoon classes.  That way I can be sure to get enough sleep.  Well, last night I saw Saturday Night Live hosted by the very fine Miss Queen Latifah.  She did an outstanding job.  She's a complete natural.  I have one of her older movies called Living Out Loud where she is a lounge singer.  It's one of my favorites.  Now she has two movies out, Chicago and Bringin' Down the House.  And you'll never guess what else.  During the show, they ran a new Covergirl commercial, and she is one of them!  You go girl!  Finally a beautiful fat woman getting some recognition for her beauty!  And let me tell ya, if you couldn't already tell, I think Queen Latifah is downright hot.  It's so weird how my perspective on beauty has changed.  I find myself applauding people who choose to remain overweight, as long as they don't have health problems.  Not only are they not crumbling under the social pressure, but they are promoting fat as beauty.  Maybe it will help change the national image to a more realistic one, where fat does not equal ugly.  Ugly should equal ugly and fat should equal fat.  Nothing more, nothing less.  It's all of these "super-models" that have given us this warped image of what a person is supposed to look like (which I have to say, I've never found all that attractive), but it's people like Anna and Queen Latifah that are telling us it's okay to be overweight as long as you are healthy.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not turning into a skinny-hater (if there is such a thing), but I'm just saying that beauty comes in many different ways, and when you choose to change your own perspective and self-image, you start to see beauty in a totally different way.  A year ago, you could have never told me that I would find fat people attractive, though I am beyond fat myself.  But people are really changing that for me.  Cara was the first.  Fat yet gorgeous!  Now there's Aimee, another friend I have met online.  She doesn't let it get her down, and she's staying strong and secure in her body even though her mother has had the surgery.  Talk about pressure.  Then there is the secretary at the hospital where I'm having my operation.  She has more pressure than anyone to have it done, but she is beautiful and I don't think she should have it done so long as she is healthy and doesn't have any signs of becoming unhealthy.  So thank you Cara, Aimee, Michelle, Anna, and Queen Latifah.  I'm not expecting to ever be thin out of all of this surgery, but at least now I know I will be okay with it.  I'm not too bad to look at, but my weight has become beyond healthy and inhibits me in many ways.  So I'm choosing to just be who I am, a handsome fat guy.  Why not?  I know how to work it, *LOL*.  I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.  (SNL quote, if you didn't know - thank you Stuart Smalley.)  Bling bling!
March 22, 2003
Howdy, howdy, howdy.  Spring is finally here, and I've just been out and about!  It just smells like the earth is coming back to life.  Okay, it's still not that warm, but we've had a couple of days that got as high as the upper fifties, and that's just great by my standards.  My chorale class has given a couple of performances, I saw an art display that I thought was nice, and after watching a comic perform for about an hour, a lady cornered me outside of the arts center.  She told me that her daughter said I had a beautiful voice (from having heard me sing outside on the sidewalk...I'm such a goober - and loudmouth!), and she wouldn't let me go until I sang something for her.  So I belted a couple of lines from a Dixie Chicks song, and that was that.  It was a really nice compliment, and she said I was "so cute", because I was acting so shy.  I've always been cute to older woman for some reason, hahaha.  Even in my adulthood, they see me like I'm five years old!  The finals for the karaoke competition are this week on Thursday.  I don't expect to win, but it should be a nice time anyway.  Okay, about two hours ago I went through some old pictures I had.  I was actually looking for some pics from London that I never found, but I came across some pictures from my teen years (about twelve through seventeen).  For years I have never thought that for all my weight gain that I looked that different from twelve years old.  Oh, how wrong I was.  I was chubby even at twelve, but I was actually not all that bad in my teen years.  Definitely severely overweight, but still pretty good-looking, if I do say so myself...and I do!  Especially when I was between fourteen and sixteen, I had a very thin face and simple boyish charm.  Man, wish I had that now!  I actually had pretty thin legs, too.  I never realized that.  I've always held the biggest bulk of my fat in my chest and stomach.  But let me tell ya, I've definitely got more than enough, and in many more places now.  I really miss spending time sitting in the car looking in the vanity mirror, listening to my favorite songs.  Not only can I not stand to look in the mirror any more than necessary, but it's also very uncomfortable to sit in cars anymore because I simply don't fit in them.  I always have to squish between the door and the shifting column or armrest, and if I'm driving, the steering wheel gets crushed into my belly until it's black and blue.  I really miss driving my car back in the old days, before the accident or the weight.  Waaaaaaah!  As for the realization, however, I have definitely changed over the years.  I would love to be the same size I hated so much in high school.  At least I could still go places with my leg brace, and I dated!  Another thing I miss so much.  I want a girlfriend so bad, I would give just about anybody a go round if they wanted to go out!  Now that's a first for me.  In the past I've been so picky, but those standards have taken a serious nose dive with all of this self-recognition.  Oh well, watcha gonna do?  Yesterday Mom came down with my brother, Luke, and my sister, Tameika.  We went to Olive Garden and then to see Bringin' Down the House.  It was hilarious, perhaps a bit stupid in some parts, but the old lady was really funny and Queen Latifah was her naturally sexy self.  Man, I'd like to get me a slice of that pie!  And how!  There were a lot of tasteless racist jokes, and it seemed a bit redundant and predictable in part, but it was still really funny in some parts.  But it wouldn't have mattered how bad it was so long as my sexy goddess was still in those cute outfits she wears so well.  (Okay, I don't exactly know Queen Latifah, but a guy can dream, can't he?)  Then we went grocery shopping where Mom surprised me by paying for everything.  But the surprises didn't stop there!  When I got back to my room, I saw to my amazement that my loving family had cleaned my whole room, scrubbed my nasty-ass bathroom, and done my laudry.  Was it Christmas?  No.  Was it my birthday?  Guess again.  They did it as a surprise for no reason at all!  How great are they?  And I cringe to think what a bad mood I had been in all day, and what a jerk I was being sometimes.  (Open mouth, insert foot.)  Yeah, I won't get into specifics, but let's just say that I tasted the ol' kneecap on a couple of occasions, including accidentally referring to my family as "you people".  I still stand by the fact that it was a complete Freudian slip.  I love those guys so much!  Okay, enough blubbery stuff for one night.  Later y'all!
March 30, 2003
It's 1:00AM and I feel like talkin', and Lawd knows I have plenty to say.  Shall we start with "Operation Iraqi Freedom"?  Why the hell not!  I have not been a Bush supporter from the beginning.  Personally, I find the man repulsive to the absolute maximum.  I just can't believe that a rich brat with an acohol problem and an obviously low I.Q. could ever be the elected leader of a country, but hey, I guess we have a lot of uninformed people out there.  We also have a lot of people who don't vote.  Now folks, if you don't vote, I don't think you should even be allowed to have an opinion about the war.  Thankfully I did.  The very title of this attack is pure propaganda at its worst.  From the getgo the government is trying to curb the mind of the American citizen into believing that there is some sort of justification of what is being done.  They have not shown hostility toward us, there is no viable proof that these so-called weapons even exist, and has it occurred to anyone that elections are coming up in just about a year?  I don't see how spawning hatred and murduring innocent citizens that are hiding in their basements is going to "free" Iraq.  We wouldn't even be able to conceive a notion of what it would be like if Iraq had demanded such regulations on the United States.  We'd say "Fuck you!" just like they didn't do (they did allow inspectors in the country, which is much more than we would allow).  If not for the events of September 11th, which had absolutely no connection with the conflict in Iraq, Bush would never have been allowed to take such actions.  The problem is that there are many ignorant people out there that cannot tell the difference between an empire and an underground terrorist society because they both practice similar religions...not the same religion, similar religions.  In "Operation Desert Storm", thousands of uranium warheads were left to waste away in the river system of southern Iraq.  In the last twelve years since then, the cancer rate increased by more than one hundred percent.  One Dinar, the currency of Iraq, was worth three American dollars in 1990.  As of three weeks ago, 250 Dinar was worth about twelve cents.  That's hyper-inflation directly caused by American and British embargos which, furthermore, increase the population of Iraq to be even more dependant on the government that our "leaders" are trying to bring down.  Okay, so some may argue that things have changed since desert storm.  How do we know?  We only hear of the loss of American soldiers, but we never hear of Iraqi tradedies on American news stations.  One would have to listen to the BBC for that information.  Hundreds of people were blown to tiny shards after the "precision weapons" bombed a marketplace yesterday.  I saw the pictures of the dead people, including babies, lying in the street waiting for their terrified relatives to build enough courage to once again brave those streets and collect what remains there may be.  It's horrible and disgusting what our military is doing to these innocent people, and it makes me feel humiliated and enraged to think that they are doing it in my name.  How soon so many supporters forget that the only country in the world that has EVER actually used nuclear weapons (and not "nucular" weapons) was the United States when we bombed Japan in WWII.  Not only will I never support the Bush Administration, but I will actively work to convince anyone that will listen to vote against him in the next election so that we can stop HIS reign of terror.  (Oh, and if you don't agree with me, don't write me a long letter telling me why.  I don't want to hear a bunch of lame-ass excuses justifying the slaughter of innocents.  Just don't bother.)
        Okay, I'd say that's a whole lot of preaching!  Perhaps if I can manage to calm myself down a little now, I might be able to discuss some other matters.  Cara wrote me last weekend to gloat about how she was going to spend the entire week on the beach in Oaxaca, Mexico.  Lucky dog!  I actually started my thesis, also.  I've decided to write about the comparative differences in disability issues between the United States and Mexico.  I also went to the finals for the karaoke competition.  I was second to last.  I rocked the house.  They deliberated my score for a very long time, much longer than anyone else's, and ended up giving me the second lowest score out of all of the men.  The scoring was different this time.  Before all three judges gave a number, and the final number was the score.  They also didn't deliberate in the preliminary rounds, they just gave their own scores.  What I believe happened is that once again, that skinny blonde bitch screwed me over.  While they were deliberating, she kept arguing with the two men, and she obviously didn't agree with their opinions.  While everyone was waiting to hear my score, several people told me that they thought I was a shoe-in for the win.  When they came out with 21.5 for my final score (out of 30), the whole room was silent.  I wasn't disappointed, honestly, because that's about what I had expected.  That woman didn't want to send a record to a company from a fat guy in a wheelchair no matter how good my voice was.  They also didn't give a single prize to anyone that sang a country song.  It was obviously biased, but they do work for a radio station that plays pop and rap music.  So whatcha gonna do?  I sucked it up, went and got some fresh air, and left shortly afterward.  A bunch of people came up to me, and one guy even said "Excuse my language, but you got fucked up there."  I just agreed, and went on my way.  I love to go and sit on that skinny bitch and feel her wriggle under my ass until she suffocates, but alas, I think that is one dream that will never be fulfilled.  But honestly, I'm not going to judge my abilities by what three people, who have never heard country music, think.  I've definitely got better things to do.  Probably the worst part of the whole experience was that there were a bunch of girls from my school that had come just to support me (and I don't even really know who they are, they just live near me on campus) and one of the girls is doing a story on the whole thing for my school newspaper.  Oh well, can't win 'em all.  Better luck next time.  *yawn*.......zzzzzzzzz.

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