The Fat Crawler Experience

Journal (November 2004)

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My Journal for November 2004

November 3, 2004
As if this week couldn't get any worse, that bumbling idiot of a president got re-elected.  I wonder, if lightening struck him dead right now, would Kerry win in default?  Maybe I'm just pouting, but I find it hard to believe that there could be so many ignorant, misinformed individuals contained in one country.  Maybe people just voted for him out of fear.  I really can't understand it.  Anyway, Halloween has wreaked havoc on any dieting attempts I've made.  Candy and junk food is everywhere and I can't avoid it.  But even before that, I ended up gaining three pounds in four days when I was eating right and going to the gym.  There is no way I I gained that much muscle, so I don't know if it's water retention or what.  I'm still going almost everyday, but it's hard when I see the scale, not only refusing to fall, but rising instead.  On top of all that, Mom has a kidney stone that won't pass and is gone today to have it x-rayed before they blast it out of her.  Oh, and Amber told me she's not riding down to the meeting with me on Friday because they changed her work schedule, so now I have to go alone.  It's just been a banner- ing-week, let me tell ya.  So now I get to go back down to The Garage, which I hate, for who knows how many times in the last week.  I hate it so much because all I do is sit at the desk and eat junk food.  It grosses me out just thinking about it.  It doesn't help that I haven't had a day off in nearly a month.  Even on my days off, I have to babysit or something related.  I really need a break, but even if I had one, I couldn't be alone by myself in this place and I can't afford to go anywhere else.  And since the leaves fell a couple of weeks ago, it has been the typically overcast and gray sky I've become so accustomed to and yet so sickeningly detest.  It already gets dark around 3:30ish because of this retarded daylight savings time.  And why is it called that?  It makes us lose daylight unless you happened to be part of the one percent that gets up by five in the morning.  Anyway, can you tell I'm in a bad mood today?  Winter blahs starting early...yippee.
November 5, 2004
It is snowing like crazy outside, but I've decided to be glad about winter.  At least for today.  It usually is such a miserably cold time of year, but I do enjoy Christmas quite a lot.  It's just the four months of bitter freeze after December that I usually dread, but I'm going into it with a good attitude... hopefully.  Today I head down to New Hampshire for my monthly meeting.  I'm looking forward to it because I've been falling off course a bit lately.  Being at The Garage so much, all I've been eating is junk food.  I'm still going to the gym like a fiend, but it feels so pointless when I eat way more calories than I burn in a day.  And I think a combination of my bad diet, half-assed workouts, and the fact that I've been forgetting my pills, has left me feeling not so hot lately.  Especially at night, I feel like I want to cry for no reason at all.  But today I'm getting back on track.  I've already taken all my pills, I'm paying my last bill for this month, going to my meeting, and going to eat right all day and go to the gym tonight.  Perseverence!  I con dew eet!  So anyway, I put on what I consider one of my best outfits today, so I feel pretty confident and it helps that I slept eight hours last night.  I also need to find something to up my exercise a little.  The biking for a half hour was so hard at first, but now it's like a breeze.  Maybe I should add more time or try something different.  I don't know, so I'll have to think about it.  Well, I'm off in search of adventure.  Hope I find it... actually, a lot of my adventures turn into disaster.  Maybe I better hope for a normal day, ah hee hee hee...
November 6, 2004
Well, I tried to like winter, and it kicked me in the ass.  From now on it's an all-alert onslaught of hatred and resentment.  On my way back from the monthly meeting, it was snowing terribly.  I could hardly see the road, had summer tires on the car still, and one of those was bald.  I was creeping along in the dark at about thirty miles per hour, and I started swerving until I did a complete 180 and slammed into the guardrails which kept me from going down over a giant ravine where I would have surely been trapped and left to freeze to death.  Luckily I only busted out a tail light and dented the rear fender a little.  I was a little shaken at first, but I eased back onto the road somehow and managed to make it home without further incident.  The meeting itself was actually one of the best I have been to.  There weren't too many people there, probably because of the weather, and the Nurse Practitioner who has been so unfriendly all along was downright nice to me!  Even I was in shock.  And it seemed like genuine niceness, which is good, considering I have my eighteen month follow-up with her in ten days.  After the meeting, I had lunch with my friend Sue, who also had surgery.  She was waiting for another friend that was going to the pre-op meeting.  I hadn't talked to her in a long time and we both vented about problems we had with the process and how I lives had changed so much.  It was great to catch up.  Then I got home and found out that the family is doing Christmas different this year.  Apparently we all had to pick names, and we're each buying for only that person.  I think it's going to leave some disappointed faces on Christmas morning, but it's gotten so hard in the past few years because there are so many people in our family.  It costs a small fortune for the holidays, and I suppose this is probably a good compromise.  Let's hope.  Well, now that my detestment for all things winter related has begun, I don't think I'm going to add Christmas stress to the mix.  Oh, and in other good news, I weighed myself on the scales where I have my meeting, and they usually read about five or six pounds heavier than the scales at the hospital where I weigh in every week, and it actually read a pound lighter than what the one up here said the other day.  So hopefully that means I lost that three pounds I gained plus a couple to boot.  That would be awesome.  I might go up and weigh myself tonight to be sure.  I want to be a skinny minnie!, mickey!
November 18, 2004
Well, of course dramatic things have been taking place in my life since I haven't written in a while.  Where to start?... Well, after the initial snow melted, we had our monthly karaoke night.  It was a lot of fun and not that many people were there.  I got to sing a lot of times.  There was a couple there, and the woman asked me if I would sing a certain song for her.  I wasn't sure of the words, but I gave it a shot anyway.  She was in tears when she came up to me afterward, and told me that her former husband had died of lung cancer and that was their song.  I was glad I could sing it for her and both she and her husband kept insisting they thought I was one of the best singers they had ever heard.  Of course I thanked them, and then I just went back to my table.  Well, later on I was singing once again and when I was done, they came up to me and said they wanted to talk to me about the possibility of financing my music career.  The guy was swearing to me that he had a lot of money, and his wife was glad to back him up about that.  He insisted that he wasn't some drunk who was trying to impress me, and that he wasn't trying to take me for a ride, and I explained that I'm completely broke, so it wouldn't matter if he was anyway.  I wasn't sure what to think.  It was so loud and dark in there that I couldn't be sure of how drunk either of them were.  Well, we exchanged info and I didn't know if I would hear from either of them again.  The next day my mother and I went shopping in Burlington.  We stopped into my college to say hi to some people, and anybody I saw that knew me couldn't believe how different I looked.  One priest friend I have, Father Mike, told me that he wasn't even sure it was me from a little way away from me because I was only half the size I was the last time he saw me.  I also saw one of my favorite professors from school, Dr. Putzel, and my mother and I talked to him for about an hour catching up on things.  It was nice to see everybody.  We didn't get home until around one in the morning.  First thing the next day, I was awoken by my mother saying Brad was on the phone for me.  Brad is the guy from the bar.  Right off he started firing questions at me.  Besides your wheelchair, do you have any other health problems?  No.  Are you on any medications?  No.  Do you have any drug or alchol problems?  Ha ha, no way.  Would you be able to sing from nine to one with only two fifteen minute breaks?  No problem.  Would you be willing to forsake everyone in your life, your friend or mother, to do this?  Well, I'm not going to sell her, but if you mean travelling away from home a lot, yes.  (He didn't give me a chance to tell him I hadn't had a friend in over five years.)  At this point, his wife told him he was an idiot and made him give her the phone.  She told me that they had been talking to some people about singing opportunities and making a demo.  She said it would be a lot of travelling and would be a huge time commitment and I would have to be willing to make that sacrifice.  I happily agreed.  Hmm... travelling around singing or sitting at home babysitting and cleaning the house?  Hard call.  So Kim (the wife) told me that she would be in touch within three days or so, and not to get worried if I didn't hear from her.  I was elated at the actual possibility of my lifelong dreams coming true.  Could it really happen for me?  Is this the opportunity I've felt was coming for months, or even years, now?  I'm not sure, but it certainly is a better prospective than the other choice of sitting in this house until I die.  Then my membership ran out at the gym.  It took a few days to scrape up enough money to go back, and I had gotten a little out of shape.  I've been sitting around the house eating and not working out, and I lost two pounds.  I think it's safe to say it was fat I was losing.  Well, when I got to the gym, the managers called me in the office and offered to let me volunteer a couple of hours a week to pay for my membership, since I was there so much anyway.  I was glad to accept.  So last night I sweat like I hadn't sweat since my first night there.  It felt good, though.  Then a couple of days ago, Curt had hernia surgery.  I've been helping him at home since then.  I kind of like being the caring older brother, watching over the sick little brother, helping him out.  It's the first time I've been able to help somebody else as much as I've needed help in the past.  I guess that's another thing to cross off the list.  He's doing better today and things are looking more up than ever for me.
November 26, 2004
I am sitting in the new technology lab that they built upstairs from my gym.  The connection here is so much faster than the one I have at home that it could make me cry just thinking about it.  Well, I think the music deal thing is not going to happen, but oddly enough, I'm not exactly heart broken.  I talked to the woman the other night and she sounded very drunk.  It was only six o'clock on a Monday, and it could be that it is simply how she talks, but she sounded wasted out of her mind.  The next day she cancelled a follow-up phone call because she said something came up.  We rescheduled a lunch for today at noon just to talk about the first steps we need to take in all this.  At 12:30 I ordered and ate alone, decidedly happy that this wasn't going to happen with these people.  She had hinted that her husband had changed his mind about the whole thing, but then insisted that they still wanted to do it.  Well, after being stood up today, I got a haircut and went home to check my email.  She had written to me with this long story about a crooked gynecologist and how she had once been diagnosed with cancer (way too much info) and then told me that this morning her son showed her that he may have breast cancer.  She said that she didn't know how long it would be until some money came through she was waiting on and that her husband no longer wanted any part of it and that maybe in a few months she would be more able to do it.  I got the feeling that she wanted out of the whole thing, but didn't want to hurt me after having gotten my hopes way up.  Well, I don't easily let my hopes get up and I am usually pretty straight-forward about things, so I just wrote back and told her that it was okay and that I was waiting on my plastic surgery anyway, and pretty much allowed her to bow out gracefully.  Honestly, I'm sorry about those cancer things if that's what really happened, but I think I'm glad I didn't get involved with them deeply at all.  And ever since we first talked about all this, I've been thinking about how much I could do on my own if I just saved a little money anyway.  I don't really need their backing.  It would have been nice, but I can really just do this on my own.  Well, after I responded, I headed to the gym more determined than ever to get thin and eventually do this thing.  I did my aerobics before weightlifting because I'm always so worn out by the time I hit the bike, and I ended up pedalling for forty minutes, which is a new personal record.  I also got back on track with my eating today because the last week or so I had been slipping up a bit.  Well, it is absolutely freezing in this room so I'm going to hit the road.  The battle goes on!

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