The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (December 2004)
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My Journal for December 2004

December 13, 2004
The last few weeks have been interesting, and that could be the understatement of the century.  I started slacking with the gym in a bad way.  I was having really bad headaches, possibly caused by not going to the gym and all of the bad food I was eating, combining for a few days of nasty head pain, which made me not want to go or get back on track even that much more.  So after a few days of making lame excuses, I forced myself back.  I started remembering how great it was to go and now I'm getting back into the swing of things.  The only downfall is that the holiday lurks in the doorstep, enticing me with delicious assortments of random sweetness and plumperizing (yes, I just made that word up) foods.  Mom spent last night and all day today making cookies, and let's just say I designated myself as Test-taster First Class.  I got very sick on some chocolate oatmeal no-bakes today, and very nearly threw up.  That would have been the first time in quite a while, but I forced it down.  My stomach does this weird thing now when I eat really bad foods or if I eat too fast.  Not only do I get sick, but all my blood rushes to where my stomach is to help digest the food, and it makes that whole area on my stomach start bumping up and down with my heartbeat.  Tres bizarre!  So anyway, back to a while ago...  A little over a week ago, my whole family went for an overnight trip to Burlington for a night of karaoke.  It all started as great fun, but then my dad got drunk and started acting like a big dumbass and humiliated several members of the family with it all.  Then two nights ago we went to karaoke again, here in my town, and Dad promised to be good.  He actually was okay, considering, but my night quickly became chaos.  I was having a pretty crappy time until I, Shonda, and Amber went outside for a cigarette break... that is to say, take a break from all the smoke inside the bar.  We were just hanging out when up walks my old friend from junior high and high school, Alexandria.  The only other friend I have known as long as her is Heather, and I may even have met Heather a while after Alexandria.  Well, to move on, she ran up and hugged me, but I didn't recognize her until she got really close.  I couldn't believe it was her!  A few months ago I had spent weeks looking for this girl or anybody who might know where she had moved to, but much to my dismay, I could find no one.  She had moved away when we were in highschool, and I had run into her on a previous visit only a couple of weeks before I left to study in Mexico.  I had lost all the info she had given me at the time, which was way out of date anyway, so I was ecstatic to see her.  She looked amazing.  Better than I had ever seen her.  So beautiful and happy, and I had missed her so much.  Well, later on we talked a little.  But when I went back into the bar, a friend of hers that I didn't recognize came up to me, hugged me really tightly, and said she was so glad to see me and it had been so long.  I had absolutely no idea who this girl was.  Well, she told me all about her mother like I was her best friend, and then I went back to our table with my family and the two friends I had brought with me.  After a while, I saw Alexandria sitting alone at a table, I believe trying to hide from all the guys that wouldn't give her a second to think.  I went over and was just hanging out, but when I got back to our table again, I thought Shonda seemed a little angry with me, or at least jealous.  Now let me clarify my relationship with Shonda.  She has come to karaoke with us three times.  Each time we crack a few jokes and she forces me to dance to some slow song, which I detest.  I thought, the second time that she came with us, that she may have a thing for me, but I wasn't sure.  We never really hit it off all that much.  I've never hung out with her otherwise.  Well, Alexandria and the mystery girl, who I later found out was someone named Shelly, started dancing right behind me as my back was facing the dance floor.  I turned around to watch, and they weren't dancing together or even at the same time, but out of nowhere, Shelly came up to me, started saying what a nice guy I was, and gave me a kiss on the cheek...then on the forehead...then on the lips...then stuck her tongue in my mouth.  I didn't know what to do.  I still had no idea who she was.  She kept telling my parents what a great guy I was, and I was so handsome, and she wished she could find a guy like me.  Well, I was very embarrassed.  I'm sure I turned every hue of red.  My dad knew I had no idea who she was, so he started asking her a bunch of questions about how she knew me so perhaps we could figure this out.  She said that a couple of months earlier I had bought her and a friend a drink at another bar while I was there with "my sister".  I think she meant Melissa when she said that, but she said it was a really classy thing to do and I really knew how to treat a girl like a queen... or something like that.  Anyway, I still couldn't remember her, but I do vaguely remember buying some girls some drinks once out at that bar, but I didn't remember who it was because I didn't know the girls.  Anyway, she seemed nice, if not a little too forward, but I don't know how much to attribute to alcohol and how much to honesty.  Anyway, after getting Alexandria's new contact information and giving her mine, I was on my way out.  I went in to hug her because she was going back to California in two days (where she now lives) and I knew it would be forever until I saw her again, and just as I got close, she turned her head and kissed me right on the lips.  That was surprising, but I didn't think a whole lot of it, especially after the Shelly fiasco.  Then she said, "I love you", and I said it back, because it was true.  It's so funny.  That's a girl I could really be with.  She's so sweet and considerate, independant and confident, but still wears her heart on her sleeve.  And her being pretty doesn't hurt, either, ha ha ha.  Well, after that I went back to my life, and started going to the gym again, having worked myself harder, yesterday and today, more than I have in a long time.  And hopefully getting back on track with my eating won't be a problem anymore, now that Mom has stopped baking.  I've been doing great with my diet, other than that.  And the snow keeps falling, so we're going to have a white Christmas, and then some.
December 16, 2003
I woke up this morning and my skin was everywhere.  It's just way too big for my body, and I really can't wait to get rid of some of it.  When I lie on one side of my body, all the skin falls over and I can see how thin I'm supposed to be.  But anyway, I realized I forgot to tell the rest of the Shonda story.  After karaoke was over that night, Dad and I were dropped off at the house.  When I said goodbye to Shonda, she hugged me and tried to get me to kiss her.  I hardly know this girl, and from what I can tell, we haven't exactly had a lot in common.  When I didn't kiss her that time, she got out of the car, walked around it, and gave me another, longer hug, and tried to kiss me again!  It just wasn't happening, so I just said bye and she got back in the car with Mom.  Well, I found out the next day that those two had a little conversation.  She started telling my mom about how I was such a nice and respectable guy, and that I had no idea how much she liked me.  That she might even be in love with me.  *Sigh*.  It's just not gonna happen...  So Mom told her I was hurt in the past and I have all these surgeries coming up and a bunch of other crap so she wouldn't be lead on.  I hope that's the end of it, but you never can tell with these things.  Yesterday was my friend, Melanie's, birthday.  She had to turn in a final paper to her professor, so I gave her a ride down to school.  Later that night she was having a party with family and a few close friends.  I went not expecting any weirdness, but would that ever be the way I could do something?  Hell no!  Well, I get in there and am introduced to their other party-ers.  Her boyfriend's parents, some girl named Jessica, and her husband, Gilles!  Now in case you don't remember, the name of this journal comes from Gilles mouth.  He was the one who called me a "fat crawler" back in kindergarten when I had to go to school without a brace and crawl on my hands and knees for a week.  I hadn't seen him since I was five, and he didn't remember me at all, and I played along for a while.  I tell ya, he was the last person in the world I ever thought I would see again.  Well, he looked exactly the same except with a beard.  Eventually he started asking me about myself, and I just had to tell him that I knew him, but I never did tell him that story of what he had done.  His friends and relations kept asking me if Gilles had ever traumatized me (ha ha ha) and was he ever mean to other people (ha ha ha), and I just brushed it off.  I mean, I'm way over what happened.  It really doesn't even bother me at all, but I could tell that he wasn't used to having people call him on his past regressions.  I didn't want to make the night uncomfortable, so I kept trying to change the subject, but they wanted to keep bringing it up.  Another thing I hadn't realized is how much older than me he is.  He'll be thirty next year, and I had always thought he was just a year or so.  Anyway, the night pretty much passed without further incident and we actually had a pretty good time.  It was just a bizarre situation.  In other news, I've been pushing myself with my workouts and really trying to watch my eating.  I think I'm doing pretty well, but I really can't watch the scale anymore... at least not so closely.  I haven't lost weight since I last went to Mexico, and that was in August.  That's four months.  But I can really feel a difference, and possibly see it.  And I've started dreaming about travelling somewhere again... we'll see.
December 21, 2004
I just finished off a bowl of protein powder packed oatmeal.  (I should make a brand name out of that!)  You just make a bowl of oatmeal any old way and add a scoop of protein powder in.  It sweetens it so much that you don't need sugar and you pack on the protein while you're at it.  I'm a genius!  Genius, I tells ya!  So I went to the gym last night with a renewed sense of devotion.  I want to try and get in there five times this week.  The thing is that I don't feel like going.  I mean, it's so much work, ha ha.  But seriously, I want to be thin so bad I can't taste it!  Not skinny thin, but muscularly leanly thin.  I can do it, but only if I get really strict with my diet.  I'm working on it, I swear!  I only had two spoonfuls of frosting yesterday, but I was an angel besides that!  Oh, why does it have to be so friggin' hard?  On the good side of things, I ran into the sister of a friend I hadn't talked to in a couple of years.  Two phone calls later, he's coming over to hang out with me today.  I didn't have a whole lot of guy friends back in highschool, but he was one of the few.  I haven't seen him in a while, but he like country music and used to be into working out a lot.  I guess we'll see.  I know I look a lot different from the last time he saw me because his sister noticed immediately that I had lost a ton of weight.  It would be so cool if he started working out with me, but he doesn't live all that close, so I won't hold my breath on that one.  I'm just glad we've reconnected.  Well, there's still a ton of cleaning to be done, so I gotta roll...  Like that?  Wheelchair?  Roll?  Ha ha ha, it is to laugh!  (Hey, if I don't laugh at my jokes, who will?)
December 30, 2004
Ah, post-Christmas season.  No better time to hit the gym harder than ever!  I've gone the last three days in a row, and today will make four.  I've been making a lot of friends there and that makes it so much easier to go.  Also, I've reconnected with another friend, Theresa, who's coming over to hang out with me today.  She's a girl I knew from highschool, but never really hung out with before.  But I started talking to her at the gym one day, and we really hit it off.  Since then we work out together now and then, and usually end up talking for about an hour in between.  Last night she asked me if I could start giving her Spanish lessons, and she would pay me!  How cool is that?  I could really use the extra funds.  I've also been a fairly strict diet the past few days.  I haven't cheated once.  I'm so awesome!!!  But I'm about as sick of "Protein-Packed Oatmeal" as I can be.  I almost gave in to some Mickey-Dee's burritos this morning, but I overcame.  I'm so awesome!!!  Blech...  So I haven't lost any weight in about four and a half months, but since I've been dieting and going to the gym so much the last week, I am really starting to see a big difference again.  And next week I asked my parents if I could take a vacation from house cleaning and child care.  Mom reluctantly agreed, ha ha.  But I'm going to try an experiment where I do two full workouts everyday.  My plastic surgeon meeting is in two weeks, and I'd really like to lose a few pounds before then.  But unfortunately I still have today and the next three days before my vacation.  Waaah!  I want it now!  *Ahem*  Okay, I'm better now.  (Psst... three days and counting.)

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