The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (February 2005)
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My Journal for February 2005

February 7, 2005
If this past month hasn't been one of the longest of my life, I don't which has been.  First one of my brothers got in some more legal trouble.  Then another brother and a cousin got falsely accused of another crime and later proved their innocence.  While all of that was happening, a different cousin had to have a brain surgery in which they removed the top of her head.  She's a week younger than I am.  My mother had to cancel her foot surgery because of all of my brother's legal troubles and meetings were conflicting with her appointments, but she's going to have the surgery in two more days if all goes well.  Then she won't be able to walk for about six weeks.  I stopped going to the gym for several reasons.  I got sick of not seeing the scale move for about three months, so I figured that if all of that working out wasn't going to do it, why waste the time?  I also didn't feel right making exercise a priority with so much going on with everybody else.  So I stopped going to the gym and started eating everything in sight.  I gained about five pounds in that month.  That's really scary and I now know that I can quite easily gain back a lot, if not all, of that weight I lost.  So I started eating right again and today I came back to the gym with a new resolve and a new plan of attack for weightloss.  I'm going to cut back on the intensity and frequency of my weight lifting and try for more cardio.  I have to see numbers dropping if I'm going to stay focused long-term.  I've also started saving for a trip somewhere I haven't decided on quite yet.  I figure if I save at least fifty dollars per week, in about six months I should have a tidy little sum for a vacation someplace far away, especially if I plan it out well.  I'm thinking about Jamaica or Ireland, but it's still a large time away.  In the mean time, we had record highs this week in temperature, so I and a couple brothers and a cousin had a two-day car wash to earn money, and I got to put aside a little more than I thought, which was awesome.  Now that I have that new goal, I seem to have no problem going without my expenditures.  I am notorious for not being able to manage money well, but I think it's because I never feel like I'm working toward anything.  With this new goal in mind, there's a huge incentive not to waste money, and it's a lot easier than I thought it would be.  On top of all of the other stuff that has been going on, we threw my mom a surprise birthday party.  It was a lot of work to get everything ready while keeping her in the dark about the whole thing.  And Mom has a sixth sense about knowing when something secret is going on around her, so she started getting mad a couple of weeks ago when we would be secretive about certain things we were doing and places we were going.  But I think the party was a pretty big success, everybody seemed to have a great time, and Mom was really surprised.  She's been pretty stressed lately, and is behind on getting papers done for Thomas' financial aid, so she's been feeling the need to get away for a day or so by herself, but with her surgery coming up, I think it might be awhile.  Maybe she'll get a break while she's laid up, though that's probably not what she's had in mind.  I'm just hoping this won't be as hard on her as the eye surgery was.  That was pretty bad and she was in a lot of pain, but I don't think this will be nearly as bad.  On top of everything else, I have my appointment with the plastic surgeon in less than two weeks (if I don't get bumped again, that is...grrr), so I'm getting excited to find out how it's going to go and to see if it's going to be weeks, months, or years between when they do all of the different surgeries they're going to do...that is, if they're going to do them all.  That's another thing I need to ask about.  So if all goes well, my brother will soon end his legal drama, my mother's foot will get better, I'll get my dates for plastic surgery, and finally lose a few pounds.  Woo hoo...
February 8, 2005
I'm working at the community center because Mom told me to keep the kids away from the house while she does taxes.  It's been a pretty blase day, but I made a decision to try and do an old diet that worked really well for me in the past.  I can eat as much of anything I want with one exception:  every week I have to knock two bad foods off the list of available foods until I'm not eating bad food anymore.  I always start with my biggest problem foods first, so this week is ice cream and any form of candy or chocolate bar (protein bars don't count).  It was a rough day today with that only because my mother got a big tin of fudge for her birthday and she hasn't been eating it because she doesn't want to drive her diabetes up before her surgery tomorrow, slowing down her healing time.  But I didn't touch it!  I was great!  Other than that, it was a pretty uneventful day, but I feel good that I'm kicking in a few extra hours here at IROC.
February 17, 2005
I met the plastic surgeon who is going to be reconstructing me into a normal looking corpse.  Okay, perhaps too graphic... He was really nice, straightforward, thorough, and understaning.  I feel confident about things.  We talked about all I need to have done, and how I want to get walking again.  We both decided that it would better to get my stomach done first so it's not in the way when I get my thighs done.  He told me that usually he would strongly recommend against the thigh surgery on most patients, but because it affects my ability to walk so much, he didn't see any other realistic alternative.  I guess in a way, that it's a good thing that I have leg problems, or I'd have to go through life with the flabbiest twenty-three year old legs in the world.  He also told me that usually he wouldn't be performing and reconstructive surgery on other patients with a BMI as high as mine still apparently is, but since I'm so short from my leg problems and my weightloss seems to have capped out for the most-part, he'll go ahead and do them.  He told me that he preferred not to keep the belly button because a lot of times the tissue dies, it's really prone to infection, and if I end up losing it later on, it's months of agonizing pain and a hassle to have to keep the hole packed while it heals after removal.  I still have to think about that a lot, but I'm kind of attached to having a belly button, and I think I would regret it if I have it removed.  I also asked about how he planned to fix my chest.  He said he would just cut the extra part up and move the up to where my chest muscle is.  That part looked good to me.  The first surgery should be done in about two months, and after that my thighs will be done in about another three months following.  Then my chest and arms will be done at the same time about three months after that.  It's still a long wait, but if I'm getting to be an expert at anything, it's waiting.  I also saw Michelle, the woman who does the scheduling for gastric bypass.  Every other time I've been in to the office, she's coincidentally not been there.  She was so nice to me before and after my surgery, and even brought me a balloon when I was laid up.  She said she almost didn't recognize me because I was so thin!  That just made my day.  She also told me I was "so handsome" (coughing and blushing probably ensued here...)  I was glad to see her.  She really brightened things up!  And yesterday I had to run up to the local highschool for a couple of things, and while I was there I stopped in to see my teacher friends who work there.  I guess I hadn't realized how long it had been since I had been up there.  Everybody kept telling me how great and skinny I looked, and that I looked like a different person.  I don't think I look all that different, but who am I to tell them I'm wrong?!?  Ha ha, things are just going swimmingly, and I'm finally going to get my big saggy gut cut off!  Watch out ladies!  (Such a dork...)
February 24, 2005
I started out in such a great mood today.  I've been making a concerted effort to stay in high spirits.  There is a book called Introduction to Spiritual Harmony that is seriously changing my life.  It's the second time I've read it, and reading it again just teaches me more and more.  It's not really religious or spiritual so much as philosophical, and it really teaches one how to look at things from a standpoint outside the self.  Anyway, it's a great book that's hard to find, but definitely worth the search.  In other news, I have an unofficial date of June 8th for my tummy tuck.  It's unofficial until insurance approves it, but at least it's a date.  And in even better news, I've lost two of the pounds that I had gained in that month I took off from the gym.  My new diet is really working.  It's not been too rough, except for the fudge incident, hee hee, but I've been sticking to my guns even better than I thought I would.  I'm just glad to know I can still lose weight at all.  I had a dream last night that I got on the scale and it said I had gained thirty-five pounds.  Talk about a nightmare!  In the dream I was sure I was going to gain back all my weight and I would have gone through all of this for nothing.  Mom's doing better and hopefully will be up walking again in no time.  But something that hasn't been so great is my back pain.  I've been having to take meds just to be able to function during the day.  I really should see a doctor about it, but I'm hoping that the plastic surgery will help, especially when I get walking again.  Until then, I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it because there is no way I'm going to have any kind of surgery on my back.  That's just a huge no-no in my book.  Too many possibilities for complications.  And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to keep my belly button.  So anyway, because of my back problems, I almost didn't work out today, but then Dad wanted to come, so I tagged along with the kids.  Once I got there, I worked out anyway and felt better for it in the end.  Now I'm tired and it's Thursday, so that means all the best shows are on!  Gotta veg with the Boob Tube!
February 25, 2005
I started my day by doing laundry.  Little did I know that it would turn into an all day event.  It wasn't all bad, as I got to watch M*A*S*H* reruns all day.  The only bad part was that I was stuck in the basement so long (after having done laundry all day yesterday) that I'm beginning to forget what sunlight looks like.  Lucky for me I've taken so many pictures of it setting!  Then on nearly a whim, my parents decided to drive to North Carolina to hand deliver a puppy.  My brother's dog had a litter of them a couple of months ago, and they've been doing everything possible to sell them ever since.  I have to admit I'm already enjoying the break from having the entire clan here, as the noise level has dropped greatly even since they left only a few hours ago.  So the two youngest and I will be roughing it alone here for the weekend.  My sixteen year old brother, Luke, will also be kicking around, but he spends so much time with his friends and working that I probably won't see much of him anyway.  I did, however, have to cancel a shopping trip to Burlington with my friend, Heather.  I may still go, though, with the kids, as it will be Camisha's birthday on Monday, and we have as of yet gotten her anything.  I'm actually sort of looking forward to it.  I don't mind any of the children.  It's the giant pack of people concentrated in this small house that is so hard to bear on a daily basis.  Hopefully it will be sunny tomorrow, but rain, snow, sleet, or hail, we will get through, we will not fail... well, we'll probably fail if there's sleet or hail, but you get the idea.  I'm also glad that spring is just a couple of short months away, too.  I'm really looking forward to sitting outside again for long periods of time.  And my dear friend, Bethany, will be coming back again this year.  She's the girl who studied abroad with me in Mexico, and has been serving ever since in Paraguay for the Peace Corps.  Ahh, how I envy her!  I have to admit that I may have the slightest crush on her, but I don't know how she would take it.  She is such an earthy, deep person, and I think I may be a bit too shallow for her type.  I really like her as a human being, but I'm afraid to say anything for fear of it getting weird between us.  She's a real sweetheart and I would hate to lose our friendship, but anyway, she's on a different continent for now and all of that is off in the distant future.  I have too much to worry about now as it is.  But who knows what the future might bring.  I mean, did I ever really think I would or could have ended up sitting here where I am now.  I have to admit that this was probably the furthest possibility from my mind.  I guess that's why it is so silly to have expectations.  It rarely works out like I think it will, and my life would most likely be horribly boring if it did.  So let's toast to faulted expectations and roads that lead to the unknown, for that is where we are all undoubtedly headed.

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