The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (August 2005)
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My Journal for August 2005

August 1, 2005
What an interesting week.  I had a dream about Natalie a couple of days ago and was pretty disgusted with myself for the reaction I had in the dream.  At first I shunned her, but then ran back to her in a second after she said how handsome I was.  Man, it's like a bad after-school special.  I went with Heather to see Josh Gracin, an up and coming country singer.  We stayed around for the meet and greet afterward.  He was really nice, and I was brutally honest when he asked me how I liked the show.  I told him he was a lot better singer than I thought he would be.  Sheesh, I'm such a dumbass sometimes, but it was the truth.  He was really good, I just had not heard much of his before that.  They keep pushing off the surgery date for Al's surgery.  I know they're doing it just because he's old.  It'll be three weeks since he broke his leg if they wait until their new date for surgery, and this time they changed it, they didn't even bother to give a lame excuse.  It looks like Mom's going to threaten them with a lawyer if they don't get it done.  Seriously, this is ridiculous.  I've also been working on crocheting both two blankets and a bunch of bracelets in hope of selling them sometime down the line.  We'll see how it goes, but lawd know I could use the cash.  Oh, and I had my follow-up/evaluation, and I'm now waiting on the approval or denial from insurance for my thigs.  I've also looked into getting my chest and arms done, and it doesn't look like it's going to be cheap, but one thing at a time.  For now, I just get to head back home for more house cleaning and babysitting!  Woo hoo!  I'm so damn lucky...
August 7, 2005
I went to another gastric bypass meeting the other day.  I like going to them because they put the whole process in perspective.  There's nothing really all that new that they talk about now, but I like to go just so I can see where I am along everybody else's journies.  I've lost a lot more weight than anyone else there.  I'm glad about that, but I still want more.  I've been thinking so much about where I want to go with my music, how badly I want to be a singer, no matter if I'm financially successful or not.  I just want that passion to become a reality.  I watched Million Dollar Baby last night, and I can relate a lot to the main character in that movie.  She was, by all right, too old to go off chasing a boxing career, if she were just beginning, but it's like she said to her trainer, that's she's been practicing and training her whole life.  I feel like that.  The only difference is that I don't have the recognition yet, just like she didn't.  Okay, so I'm relating too closely to a fictional character, but I feel that I can sing at a professional level, whether I actually do or not.  I also talked to Steve today.  I hadn't talked to him in months.  I see so much potential in him as a deep spiritual person, but he has so much materialism around him that he can't seem to see the possibilities.  Well, I suppose he's doing a lot better than I am right now, so I really don't have any room to talk.  My brother goes to trial this week, and then all of my available friends and family plan on going to karaoke to ring in my birthday, so Friday should be a lot of fun.  It's actually the first time in quite a while that I will be singing just for the fun of it, and I'm looking forward to it more than any singing I've done in a really long time.  My aunt told me about another competition not too far from here that is for another three hundred dollars, and it is so tempting with my financial deficit right now, but I feel like when I sing to beat other people, it's like raping the music, in a way.  I'm not singing for the love of the music anymore, but for the payoff, which involves making other people feel bad about themselves, or criticizing myself for my small mistakes.  I just don't want it to be about that, so I told my aunt that I really wasn't interested.  As of tomorrow, my three siblings that I usually babysit will all be in summer camp, and it was bad enough today only having one of them around.  I know I complain a lot about them, but at least I have something to complain about.  Today I was so bored I could have screamed.  Of course, being bored just makes me think that much more about all of the cool places I could be travelling to if only I were in a band.  Man, I sure wish I could get a chance at that "big break" I'm always hearing so much about.  Well, I reckon it'll happen if it's meant to be, and yet I want to nudge it along.  If only I knew where to nudge.
August 16, 2005
My birthday started out so awesome.  Friday night at karaoke, none of my friends who had said they would come, showed up.  In the end, I guess it was probably better that way.  I was there with my parents, and my mother's friend came, but they left early together, and just Dad and I hung out for a while.  Actually, it started that this tall guy, a little slow, that I recognized from highschool, came over to talk to me like he was my best friend from back in the day.  I tried to nicely give him the brush off, but after about a half an hour, he still hadn't left the table, but luckily another (actual) old friend from highschool came up to me.  She was there with her boyfriend, who by coincidence, was another friend of mine from highschool and elementary, who had the same birthday as me.  Actually, in the hospital, the nurse confused us and tried to get my mother to breastfeed him, but she refused and said it wasn't her baby.  My mother insisted, so the nurse compared bracelets to prove Mom wrong, screamed, and rushed Pierre out of the room.  Anyway, besides him, another kid I sort of knew, who was a little younger than us, also had the same birthday.  His mother was one of the bartenders.  So I, Jake, and Pierre started doing birthday shots.  I had already had three Tequilla Sunrises by this point.  I'm not much of a drinker, so I was feeling pretty good by the time we started the shots.  Well, the only rule was that we couldn't do the same shot twice.  I'm guessing we did around ten or so, and that many alcohols mixed together add up to Danny not remembering a whole lot of what happened after that.  It was so much fun sharing my birthday with two other guys, though.  I went home empty-pocketed and severely intoxicated.  I think I may have tried to throw up when I got home, but there was nothing in my stomach (thank you gastric bypass!), and I passed out awaiting the hangover that was sure to be there when I woke up.  Well, it wasn't as bad as I had anticipated.  Somehow I only had a slight headache and only fealt a tiny bit queasy once in a while.  It was easily the most drunk I had ever been.  I think I may have still been a little intoxicated when I woke up on Saturday, but I'm not sure.  Thomas gave me twenty dollars in Sacajaweeah dollars (because he said the girl on them was hot).  Mom and Dad gave me a hundred bucks, and the kids got me some beef jerky.  So without any real plan for the day, I headed out to John's to see if he wanted to hang out.  His town was having some kind of celebration, and I thought he might want to walk over with me.  Well, he was there, but he didn't want to go "out into the crowds".  We hung out at his house for a couple of hours, just playing board games.  Eventually I left there, picked up some Chinese food, rented a bunch of movies, and headed home.  Pretty uneventful, but the night before had more than made up for it.  Somehow, Mom had convinced me to go get weighed the other day.  I knew I had probably gained, but I didn't expect the five pounds that were there.  Well, a half-day of liquid dieting later, I lost two of the pounds, and plan to try and stick to liquid for a couple of days and see if I can't get that number back down.  I don't want to tell people I've lost 197, 198, or 199.  It's gotta be 200, baby!  So that's the main focus.  Oh, and I found this international development company that I would be perfect for in an entry level position, and if my insurance denies my surgery, I think I'll apply.  I would love to do something like that.  Well, supper's a-waitin', and I'm a-hungry.  Hey, you should be used to the lame euphanisms by now!
August 23, 2005
What is truth?  What is my personal truth?  Is it different from everyone else's?  I think I'm going insane.  Like, for real, insane.  Lately I've had so many thoughts and emotions going through my body and mind that I feel like I'm going to explode.  Too much is going on, and I've had serious repercussions of guilt, similar to what I had when I was a really religious kid.  I don't even know if I'm making sense to anyone anymore.  All day today I was in a daze, smiling when somebody would walk by, laugh and say things were going great...  It's just not true.  I don't know what's wrong, but I feel bad regret for things I've done, how I've treated people, how I've judged people, and I honestly feel guilty for judging myself so harshly when I haven't been all that hard on others.  I guess I've just expected so much more from myself than I have from others.  I want to cry so bad, but I can't bring myself to do it.  There would have to be explanations, and admissions, and confessions, and facing of my past, and a lot of other nasty things I don't want to think about.  I think I've buried all of this stuff so out of my mind for so long that now it's all rushing back at once.  Honestly, if these things were coming from anyone else, I wouldn't even think that much of it, but because they're from me, I am simply disappointed and disgusted with myself.  I don't know if I can ever be normal again.  I want to take back so many words, so many actions, so many wishes I had made before.  So many yearnings and desires.  Why do I even want tangeable things?  Why do I care about the physical at all?  Does it even matter in the scheme of things?  Does anything I say or do or want or have wanted or said or done, ever matter to anybody but me?  I wish I could quiet the words in my head and the guilt of the past and present that is eating me alive.  Am I crazy?  Am I going crazy?  Can I even love anymore?  Can I be loved?  I don't think I would ever let anybody close enough to love me.  I don't even think I want anybody to love me.  Love has a lot of attachments and expectations attached to it.  I feel like I'm drowning in my life.  I can't breathe.  I want a breath of air.  Of water.  Of life.  My brain is disintigrating.  I wish I could lose consciousness.  A coma.  A deep sleep.  A break.  An escape.  An open door.  I don't want to feel anything except calm.  I believe in God, but I can't say I believe in anything more than that.  The endless possibilities scare me to death.  Not knowing is the worst thought.  I wish I knew how it all came to be and where it all would end.  I don't even know if I believe that I exist.  I want to cry more.  God, I want to cry, but I can't.  If I cry, I'm admitting that the insanity exists and all that I've done and lived is for naught.  The walls are caving in around me, and all I can do is smile and say I'm having a great day.  Maybe tomorrow, if it comes or exists, I will be back to normal and all I have done before won't even be.  It will cease.  My soul hurts so bad, and I just want out of this body, to blast through my chest wall, and fly to a brighter and better place, where I don't have to consider existing.  I only have to be.  That would be so much easier.  I'm sick of trying hard.  I'm sick of being lazy.  I'm sick of my excuses and my self-judgement.  I'm sick of my faults and imperfections.  I'm imploding and there's no one there to catch me.  I'm falling into darkness, and it may be the most comfortable place I've been.  I want to go back to being young and innocent and ignorant and naive.  Stripped of my ego and persona, what is left?  A massive soul with big eyes crying in the dark.  .......................quiet mind........................
August 24, 2005
This morning didn't offer the answers I was waiting for.  I took my vitamins as if my days weren't numbered.  It's really scary how nothing makes sense right now.  Everything I've ever thought or believed is in controversy and my head hurts.  My stomach hurts.  Everything is swirling.  I'm trying to be normal, avoiding emotional isolation, and hoping I can ride this insanity wave until the end.  Only a couple more days, and the tide should turn.  I'll be me again, and this episode will be another suppressed memory I'll have been better off forgetting.  Maybe I'm an unfulfilled cry-baby.  Whatever it is, it can't last long.  I won't let it.  I'll eventually force myself to snap out of it, right the wrongs, or find a way to ignore them for some more time to come.  Either way, something will change.  This too will pass, right?  I'm in spiritual chaos right now.  It happens to me every now and then, and I simply have to calm down, relax, and wait for it all to blow over.  I take myself, my life, and my thoughts way too seriously sometimes, as if they somehow mattered more than those of other people.  I'll get over it.  Just a couple more days.
August 26, 2005
In my self-discovery oddysey, I came to some very unexpected conclusions about myself, who I am, and who I'm not.  It's weird how the answers to my unasked questions seemed to revolve around a couple of basic concepts: forgiveness, faith, and hope.  Honestly, though those couple of days were hell, I think I feel better now about myself than I have in a very long time.  I feel so much more certain about my personal direction of being, even though I still question.  But that's what life is about, at least my life.  It's a learning and discovering process that won't end while I'm still breathing.  I'm just glad I found a way to move on from the torment I was giving myself.  Systems back up and operating normally.  Crisis averted.  Life goes on.  Speaking of which, today I pushed to the park with Tameika, and that's no easy haul!  On top of that, I came to the gym and worked out, including twenty minutes on my newly most-dreaded of all torture machines, the rower.  I've also been doing pretty good with my dietary consumption, though I'm running low on protein powder.  At least I have mental and spiritual clarity again.  Today I functioned well.  I can now relax, so long as I don't stress about relaxing.  If you worry about worrying, it doesn't count, right?  Ha ha ha..... I have "goober" written all over my face, but I can laugh about it today.  If I were anyone else, I probably would have bitch-slapped me by now!

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