The Fat Crawler Experience
Journal (October 2005)
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My Journal for October 2005

October 10, 2005
Life has been insane on so many levels, lately.  My brother, Curt, got out of jail on probation after pleading guilty to a crime he adamantly states that he did not commit, but because he has a prior charge, he was facing a possible sentence of forty years.  Add to that the fact that my parents' marriage is falling apart, Dad is covered in cold sores because he is sleeping so badly, and Mom has constant, unexplained migraines, all coming from what I'm sure is stress.  I started back at the gym today because my back finally stopped hurting.  It was nearly two weeks before the pain from the shot wore off.  Last week, I put on my leg brace and went to the park with the kids.  I've pretty much come to the realization that if I had a brace that actually fit, there is no reason that I couldn't be walking all the time.  After a few hours walking like that, I took it off and was in quite a bit of pain for the following three days because of where the brace had been rubbing on my leg because it doesn't fit.  I'm still waiting for a decision from my insurance company about the surgery, and I really don't know how that's going to turn out.  If they say no, I'm immediately getting a prescription for a new leg brace.  I'm supposed to be starting that translation job in a week, but because of the lengthy process of insurance, I don't know if I'm going to be able to or not.  I certainly hope that I can, and I may just do it anyway.  I'm so sick of putting my whole existence on hold for that shit.  It's really not worth it.  I had also been on a diet last week, and had lost three pounds, putting me at my lowest weight to date of 226, but I've been eating junk like crazy the last couple of days.  But there is hope on the horizon!  I talked to Natalie this morning, and she informed me that she broke up with her dick head boyfriend and is moving out to her new apartment this weekend.  She really wants me to come down and visit her, and I'm kind of thinking about it.  I know what the logical person would say.  "Why are you even talking to that flaky beyotch?"  But I just can't help it.  I still have very strong feelings for her.  I can't deny it.  I'm not all crazy and stupid about it like I was before, but I can't help who I love.  Don't worry.  I don't have my hopes up or anything, but I am glad that she's getting out of that bad relationship.  But because of all that's happening with her, and the possibility of seeing her again, it's a great incentive to get back in the gym and start eating right again.  I really shouldn't be doing things correctly just because of what's happening with her, but it's better than no incentive at all, I figure.  At least I'm doing something positive and productive.  Well, I guess I'm out of here for today.
October 13, 2005
I am positively exhausted, but in a good way.  I had a really good workout, pushed myself pretty far, and feel ready to pass out right now.  I also ate very well today, and don't even feel hungry (which I usually do at night), but I'll probably eat some yoghurt or something of that nature when I get home.  I did all of my laundry today, and washed all of the towels and washcloths in the house, and there were so many that they didn't even fit in the cupboard.  We shouldn't run out for a while that way!  I haven't been sleeping very well, lately, and I don't really know why.  I hope tonight that I'll crash.  All the bad sleep mixed with the post-workout low will probably make me dead to the world.  I keep having weird nightmares, too.  Not anything like before I had the surgery, but things like witnessing a car accident, or about a week ago, I dreamt I beat my little brother up so bad that he nearly died.  It's really bizarre.  Anyway, hopefully I'll be deep enough to not have any of that going on.  I know it's wrong, but just thinking about the possibility of seeing Natalie again within a few months has got me so focused on my regimine.  I don't even consider eating bad or working out with anything less than my best effort.  It's so weird, but just the thought of her makes me want to be a better person.  I know I'm playing with fire here, and most likely setting myself up for a huge heartache... but it's not really like that this time.  I'm not all lovey-dovey or obsessively romantic about the idea of being with her like I was in round one.  I see it as a very simplistic, non-dramatic thing, where there is a possibility it might actually work out for us now that we are older and wiser.  And if it doesn't, life goes on.  I would certainly love to be with her in that capacity, but if it doesn't happen, my world won't crumble this time.  I guess it's because I know what to expect, and I'm better at not being so vulnerable right off the bat.  I really don't have any expectations.  I don't even know if, in reality, I will ever see her again in person.  But it's possible.  And if that's enough to make me go to the gym and work harder than I ever have, even when my legs are aching so bad I could cry, and is enough to make me eat like a rabbit the week before his big highschool prom (I realize that makes little sense), then at least the side effects of my wanting to be with her are positive instead of negative.  And that's all I have to say about that!... today... right now... at this very moment.
October 14, 2005
Well, wonder of all wonders, I got an approval letter to have my thighplasty.  I don't know how to feel because, honestly, I wasn't expecting to be approved at all.  I was completely floored.  But I'm happy about it, just not so happy about the prospect of going through another surgery.  And my legs have been in agony today from all the work I've been doing in the gym.  Today when I lifted in my wheelchair out of the back of the car, I almost fell on the ground crying because it hurt so bad.  Every little movement feels like I'm being punched or kicked in the thighs.  And the worst part is, after I have another surgery, I'll have to start all over again, and go through this torture again.  *Sigh*, I don't know if I can take it!  I guess I'll have to.  I also ran into the girl from the bar that tried to make out with me a few months ago (Shelly, I think...).  We talked for a bit, and she's going to try and come to karaoke next Friday night.  She's really nice, but I get the feeling that maybe she parties quite a bit.  And she looks a lot older in broad daylight than she did that night at the bar.  Not old, but older than I thought.  Well, that was my oh-so-eventful day.  Yee haw!
October 23, 2005
Being as I'm really pressed for time, I'll make this relatively quick.  Dad lost ten pounds in the first week on the diet I put him on.  He then started cheating, gained six pounds, and has been fluctuating at best ever since.  But I'm not really sweating it, as you can't force somebody to be on a diet they don't want to commit to.  I should know that better than anybody.  But in my own great news, I lost another three pounds, putting me at my current lowest weight of all time, 223 pounds.  That means I've lost 204 pounds, and I've been doing better than ever.  I pretty much cut out all junk food and have been trying not to eat between the hours of 11:00AM and 5:00PM.  I snack mostly during the day, so that works out the best for me.  And if I don't eat all day, I end up not eating much at all during the night.  I think my stomach actually shrinks, or something, when I don't eat for long periods of time.  Anyway, it's working.  People have been noticing like crazy, and I've only lost six pounds this month.  It's weird how everybody notices a tiny little bit, where before I could lost twenty and nobody would bat an eye.  Oh well.  So, I gotta scoot because my movies have to be back on the rental place in about fifteen minutes.  Go, Geo Metro, go!!!

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