The Fat Crawler Experience

Journal (February 2006)

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My Journal for February 2006

February 3, 2006
My same old mantra, life just amazes me more everyday.  It's weird how you can come to some odd conclusions about your life that you never realized about it before.  I feel like I'm discovering this totally new person that's been inside, who's not afraid of life and changes, and isn't afraid to finally be who he really is.  I love how things are going, and some seriously huge changes are about to happen in my life, and I'm actually looking forward to them rather than fearing them.  No, it all won't be perfect, but I'm finally getting the pieces to fit together, although not at all how I expected they would.  My spirituality is back on track.  I feel returning to the Church was a good move with a real commitment on my part, without losing part of myself.  I feel that my eating and exercise are now where they should have been for so long... so long.  I'm on this natural high, and I know it's cliche, but I really am.  I just feel good all the time.  I'm happy all the time.  And the same old crap is still going on in my life.  My parents are on, then off, then on, then off, then wanting to kill each other, then repenting and holding hands.  I'm still stagnant until the surgery decision is made, but either way, that whole situation will be coming to an end.  I'm getting my new leg brace soon, which is a huge full-circle ending on a large part of my life.  The weather is still sucky at best, around here, but it doesn't bother me as much.  I'm figuring out what I want in a relationship and what I don't, or whether I even really want one at all, and the kind of person that should be, and the kind of person I should be.  I feel, in a lot of ways, I'm returning to the innocence I was brimming with when I was younger.  It was gone for so long.  Too long, really.  I'm trying to see the world for the first time, again.  I regret a lot of things I've done, but I view them as necessary to have gotten where I am now.  And I know I'll still make mistakes, but I feel well-equipped to deal with them when they arrive.  There are so many things I still want to do.  Nix that, things I am going to do.  The graduate school applications are coming in, my debt is lower than ever, I'm working more and earning more money than ever, and I can see a way out without hurting the people around me.  And I can now see that, even though they would have no reason to be hurt by my plans, and I'm not even sure they will be, if they are hurt, they will do it to themselves.  I can't keep concerning myself with the happiness of others, as if I have some kind of control over that.  For so long I thought I could affect the emotions of others by sacrificing bits of my own life, but after a very long time, I have realized that that's simply not true.  I had the best of intentions, but all of the negative feelings I've had about my life were created by myself, not by how other people, or "life", has treated me.  I choose my emotions.  I've known that for a long time.  I've just never put it into actions until now.  I'm pursuing the things I want in my life without the fear of guilt and emotional repercussions.  I've held enough guilt in my life to last several lifetimes, and the only person that has ever even cared about that was me.  I hereby let the guilt go.  I did the best with what I knew at the time, but now I know better.  I can gain and learn from those bad experiences and mistakes, and my life is my own.  I am.
February 7, 2006
Today there is much cause to celebrate.  Now I will.  "Celebrate good times, come on!  Doo doo doo do doo doo do..."  I have now officially lost more weight than I currently weigh.  That means I have lost more than fifty percent of my previous body-weight.  Isn't that insane?  And the diet/exercise schedule is working out better than I ever had thought it could.  I've been sticking to it like gold.  I also had my boob consult yesterday.  The doctor said it would be more easily approved if I only tried for chest, and not the arms as well, which was fine with me, since I wasn't all that crazy about the idea of doing my arms anyway.  And that just gives me more incentive to try and build killer guns.  Well, we'll have to see about that, ha ha.  I'm optimistic, and I truly think if anybody in the world would get approved to have it done, I would be at the top of the list.  Between the rashes and sores, combined with lower back problems, not to mention how simply grotesque it looks, even the doctor said I am the absolute perfect candidate for the surgery.  Now I just hope my insurance company agrees.  I should know in a few weeks.  Oh, and Thursday is the big day that I get fitted for my new leg brace.  It won't be finished for about a month after that, I'm guessing, but I'm so excited about it!  I can't wait to start walking all over the place!  I also had a big discussion with Mom and Dad on a personal note that could possibly change the face of my world forever, but I've been on the path of self-rediscovery for a long time.  I'm so happy now.  My whole life seems to be coming together.  I don't want to sound arrogant or proud, but I feel I deserve this point in my life.  I've worked hard and I've suffered a lot in my life... what I would consider more than the norm... and I feel like I'm finally being paid my dues.  Thank you God.  Thank you Fate.  Thank you Hope.  Thank you Life.  And though they have their problems and issues, my parents are the two most awesome people in my world right now.  I truly love them so much.  I ask so much, and they have really come through for me in this arc of my life.  I couldn't ask for more from them.  Thank you Mom and Dad.
February 14, 2006
Another stupid holiday come and gone.  Seriously, who invented Valentine's Day?  What a dumb idea.  Guys and girls, if you can't show your loved one that much affection more than once per year, or twice if you count anniversaries, then you shouldn't be in a relationship at all.  And what kind of holiday purposely excludes a large number of the population, anyway?  Maybe I'm bitter from being alone so long, but I'd like to think that if I were in a relationship, Valentine's Day wouldn't be all that special because my significant other would know already, beyond any possible doubt, that I never stopped cherishing for a second.  Such a stupid holiday.
February 22, 2006
Did some kind of miracle happen in my life?  I have somehow managed to get down to 207 pounds.  I'm not stopping or anything, but it's so weird.  I simply never thought I would ever really get this low.  Only thirty-seven more pounds until goal.  Wow, that is truly miraculous.  Okay, so for some of my long-term readers, this may or may not come as a shock.  I really don't know, but I have to put it out there if I'm going to be honest to this journal.  I recently came out to my parents about being bisexual.  There it is.  I hope it doesn't affect how people think of me, but frankly, it's my life and I have to live it how I see and feel it.  With that out there, I met this really cool guy and we have hit it off in what I think could eventually be a big way.  But since I came out, a lot of wolves have, too.  I can't even believe how many shitty assholes there are out there, preying on some guy who is so new and vulnerable to this world.  I am not about to just "hook up" or "hang out" with some of these creeps, and I just wish they would leave me alone.  Just because I think some guys are cute does not mean I want to sleep around with every sleezeball that comes along, guy or girl.  So yeah, that's where it all lies.  And yeah, since I have been honest with myself and others, my life has gotten a hundred times better and I wouldn't go back to any of the previous shit for anything.  Believe it or not, life is good.
February 26, 2006
I have what is probably a hematoma in my leg.  That is a large blood clot under my surgery scar that does not move, and doesn't really hurt anything, but it's a big lump that is sometimes sore.  Either that or it's leg cancer and I'm going to die.  Either way, yay...  And I got a letter from my insurance about my boob job.  It says my application was denied because that procedure doesn't require pre-approval.  I called the hospital, but the main staff was all on vacation, so I'm not sure if I'm covered or not and won't know until tomorrow, at the earliest.  Mom, Dad, Camisha and a friend, and Luke Jr. with his girlfriend, all left for Florida on vacation.  I'm watching the two youngest, Tyrone and Tameika, for the week, though so far they have been staying with relatives.  Tameika will be home tonight and Tyrone was supposed to be back yesterday, but knowing my uncle, I may not see him until the last day of his school break.  And the big news.  I'm completely obsessing over this guy I met online, like a friggin' twelve year old idiot.  I mean, he's everything I could want in a guy, of course.  Funny, smart, good looking, in a rock band, and he thinks I'm great.  At least I think he does.  We hit it off totally the first time I talked to him on the phone, but then he hasn't called since.  I sound like a desperate idiot, but I really like him is all.  He's written an email saying he wants to call, but he's just so busy.  He has two full time jobs and lives in Burlington, so I can understand him being so busy.  I mean, when I lived in Burlington, it was the same thing with my friends and family.  I wouldn't call home for a week sometimes, and Mom would get so upset because I never called, but to me it just felt like a few hours.  Life just goes faster there, so it doesn't seem like that much time has passed.  Man, I sure wish I was back in that life now.  And at some point this week, I believe that the prototype for my new leg brace will be ready, so when I go to Burlington, I'm supposed to meet him and he said he wants to cook tofu for me.  I've been starting to slip a little on the whole health program, though the results haven't popped up on the scale just yet.  I ate pizza today... and yesterday... and the day before.  And I skipped my workout yesterday, and slacked on my workout today.  I really have to refocus my efforts.  I don't know what's been going on with that.  The steam just seems to be fizzling out.  Time to restock the motivation, I suppose.  I went out last night and met some really cool people who actually work with my friend, John, at this special behavioral school in Lyndonville.  I had a great time hanging out with them, and they said they would love to hang out with me again in the near future.  We'll see.  Well, now I get to go be scorekeeper for a game I don't want to watch.  Fun never ends!

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