The Fat Crawler Experience

Journal (July 2006)

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My Journal for July 2006

July 17, 2006
So here I am, finally.  It's July and my entire life and perspective thereof is different.  I can't even believe how differently I see things now.  God, how could so many weeks have passed, so much having happened, and now I have to explain it all... and in an hour before I'm supposed to go to a job interview.  So let's start there.  I quit the bank.  It was an unhealthy situation where I was sitting next to a mean, bitter, and degrading woman who was berating me in front of all the other employees on a daily basis.  I was getting sick at work, having passed out cold on two seperate occasions, and was literally so stressed because of her that I threw up three times in my mouth the morning before I quit.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I'm too smart, too nice, and too good to be treated like shit by some woman who thinks she's great just because she gets paid more than I do.  So anyway, I'm now looking for another job, which I kind of need desperately, and kind of don't.  I was working the bank, but also another job at a call center, calling places in Spanish.  It's an easy, but extremely monotanous job.  The people are nice, but the pay isn't that great.  But today I'm interviewing with a place that relocates refugees in the area.  How perfect would that be for me, seriously?  Okay, and I'm not a virgin anymore... several times over.  In fact, five different guys over.  Honestly, I'm kind of surprised at myself, because I never ever thought I would be the hook up type at all.  And the worst part of it is that's it has all really just been leaving me feeling empty and hollow and used.  I truly think I've done most of them because I was just lonely for companionship, and it was a couple hours where I wouldn't have to sit in the apartment alone.  Which, by the way, I also moved again.  Theresa and I moved to a fifth floor condo which is really nice, and slightly cheaper, though not cheap by any means.  I'm still not completely moved in with the decorations and all.  Let's see.  I still hardly sleep, maybe four hours a night.  I can't seem to sleep past about 7:00AM for some reason, and it's just adding and adding up.  I wake up shaking, and have a hard time not shaking throughout the day because I'm so tired.  I guess I could try to go to bed earlier, but I'd just lie there thinking about stuff and wishing I wasn't wasting time in bed, so I guess it wouldn't help.  My brother, Thomas, got married last weekend.  It's so weird how we're all grown up now and acting like adults.  It's kind of sad in so many ways, but we've moved past that by now, I suppose.  Life is too hard to stay kids for too long.  I also had the sub-frame of my car break in half.  I had a Jeep in waiting for when something like that happened, and the first day I had that, it broke down right in the middle of the street during rush hour traffic... exactly twenty-four hours after my car had broken down.  So I was without a vehicle for about a week and a half, working two jobs, having to either take a bus, taxi, or on the night fireworks, push home.  It was up over a giant hill which holds UVM.  I had worked fourteen hours without a break and had to push home about a mile over two giant hills.  About ten minutes after I got home, my wheelchair frame broke in half from all the stress.  But my shoulder muscles grew like crazy!  My parents brought me another chair the next day, and the tire went flat in about three hours, so I had to go get all that fixed after the holiday had passed.  And I sort of have three guy sub-plots playing out, all at the same time, and none the way I want.  Every nice, cute, awesome guy I meet that I think we could be more than just random hook ups, ends up living far away.  It really sucks.  And now I've got all these bills coming in, and lots of old guys after me that I'm just not interested in, and I don't know.  But honestly, just having gotten out of the bank, I feel like nothing could be as bad as that was.  I've already sort of been offered a job at the gym I go to, but it doesn't pay that well, but it's better than nothing if today's interview doesn't go how I want.  Oh, and I've been losing and gaining and losing and gaining weight like an idiot.  I seem to fluctuate between 192 and 195 most of the time, but I want to get to goal so bad now.  I mean, hell, I'm so friggin' close at this point!  If I can only get my job situation worked out, where I hopefully won't have to be working two jobs to make ends meet, I'll have more time for the gym and planning meals and maybe meeting some normal people, but I have to get the work thing taken care of.  I guess that's been my life lately.  I had forgotten how therapeutic this can be.  I have to write here more often.  That's just that.

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